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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I should leave him. He wanted to drive into traffic

177 replies

Cocktailsandcats · 25/05/2024 23:10

I don't want to sound overdramatic but it was a very emotional week and I would like an impartial though

Sister had a last minute micro wedding yesterday. P (of nine years) said he couldnt go due to short notice. I will be honest that I sulked a bit. Not very mature and I regret it but I was disappointed. He turned off his phone even though I was sharing my location with him while driving home. He apologised later but he never turns off his phone.

When I got home I went to check for him as I was worried his phone was off and it was late. I found him in bed watching tv and the long drive/tension/disappointment hit a bit and I explained. He launched into a massive tirade about how much pressure I put on him in life about the wedding and more. He told me he thought about driving his car into traffic yesterday as he couldn't think clearly due to what I expect from him.

We settled everything but I have been awake since 4:50 worrying about him and feeling like a terrible partner. My stomach is upside down and I wonder should I just walk away and give him a break because I can't live knowing I make someone feel like that

OP posts:
TotHappy · 25/05/2024 23:26

Do you think you did cause him to feel like that?
Were you actually awful to him when he wouldn't come to the wedding?
Were you surprised when he said that about traffic?

Sounds a lot to me like he was being overdramatic to make you back off, but it sounds like you believe him?

Outlookmainlyfair · 25/05/2024 23:26

Not your problem - he sounds like an attention seeking Manchild.walk away, but with your head held high knowing that you are not the issue!

Tryingtryingandtrying · 25/05/2024 23:28

Why does it matter that you were sharing your location when he turned the phone off?

Ponylady · 25/05/2024 23:28

You don't need to walk away. You need to sit down and plan the way forward.
If he still wants to be with you then ask him what you need to do to make him feel safe. Then do it.

Does he need to see someone about his low mood?

Read up on sulking as a form of abuse. Sulking isn't childish and annoying. Sulking is cruel and abusive and soul destroying for the other person.

You can change.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/05/2024 23:28

I think you should leave him because he’s manipulative and aggressively dramatic. Plus doesn’t support you (if his refusal to attend a family event is anything to go by).

Or do you think he has a point?

Sid077 · 25/05/2024 23:28

That must be so hard to hear, it sounds like the daily interactions of life in general are contributing to your partners distress / ideation - this is not about your ‘demands’ . Encourage your partner to talk to a professional, very tough on both you. All the best

Jessie21 · 25/05/2024 23:28

Outlookmainlyfair · 25/05/2024 23:26

Not your problem - he sounds like an attention seeking Manchild.walk away, but with your head held high knowing that you are not the issue!

Hang on...

Reverse the roles, husband makes wife feel like driving into traffic. You'd all be on her side.

OP, you need to assess your relationship and if you do put any pressure on him

Jellycats4life · 25/05/2024 23:28

Threatening suicide because you had a tiff? Sounds rather manipulative to me.

Beezknees · 25/05/2024 23:28

Over a wedding? He's being ridiculous.

He's also being manipulative. I'd leave anyway because someone that overly dramatic would get on my nerves.

Ponylady · 25/05/2024 23:30

I'd take a sensitive soul over a sulker any day!

Loubelle70 · 25/05/2024 23:30

Jessie21 · 25/05/2024 23:28

Hang on...

Reverse the roles, husband makes wife feel like driving into traffic. You'd all be on her side.

OP, you need to assess your relationship and if you do put any pressure on him

Show quote history

Not if she was playing games i wouldn't like this guy is.
Him saying drive car into traffic is to shut her up. This guy won't marry.

Bobbybobbins · 25/05/2024 23:30

You both sound very dramatic. Is this typical in your relationship?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/05/2024 23:31

Yes, you should walk away.

Not because you're being mean to him, because he's making histrionic threats of suicide to keep you under control.

Letsgocamping67 · 25/05/2024 23:34

he’s terrified that you want to get married now. Explains the tantrum.

Crepester · 25/05/2024 23:36

That’s quite a strong thing to say. What else did he feel you’re making him feel bad about other than the wedding ?

I was once seeing a guy that said I made him feel on edge and so stressed etc. I said can we talk about it and he refused to see me that weekend. So I just called it a day as I said it’s not great if I’m “making” someone feel like that.

He then kind of backtracked and protested and said that’s not what he wanted, but I felt if I was making him feel that way, we did need to split up. And if I wasn’t making him feel that way and he had just said that for the sake of it - it was manipulation, so either way it was best we went our separate ways. I was much happier after making that decision.

also may or may not be relevant but you’ve been together 9 years and not married - is that a mutual decision ?

Original poster
Cocktailsandcats · 25/05/2024 23:39

Neither of us want to get married (me more-so) so I'm not waiting for a wedding

He has said this before years and years ago but I have no concerns about depression. I kept an eye all day. He went to badminton with mates and was absolutely fine but I feel awful about this

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 25/05/2024 23:40

Why did him turning off his phone mean so much to you?

Appalonia · 25/05/2024 23:43

It's totally not your fault. You can't ' make' someone feel like this. It sounds like emotional blackmail tbh.

Loubelle70 · 25/05/2024 23:43

Cocktailsandcats · 25/05/2024 23:39

Neither of us want to get married (me more-so) so I'm not waiting for a wedding

He has said this before years and years ago but I have no concerns about depression. I kept an eye all day. He went to badminton with mates and was absolutely fine but I feel awful about this

Hes playing you so you shut up.

Original poster
Cocktailsandcats · 25/05/2024 23:43

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2024 23:40

Why did him turning off his phone mean so much to you?

Just thought it was weird. I was driving back alone for four hours and told him I would share my location/ring him to keep myself awake and tell him about the wedding

OP posts:
saraclara · 25/05/2024 23:43

Letsgocamping67 · 25/05/2024 23:34

he’s terrified that you want to get married now. Explains the tantrum.

Oh for goodness sake. You should give up Mumsnet and just write a novel. You are just making stuff up.

5foot5 · 25/05/2024 23:43

Beezknees · 25/05/2024 23:28

Over a wedding? He's being ridiculous.

He's also being manipulative. I'd leave anyway because someone that overly dramatic would get on my nerves.

Is it just over the wedding though? OP said:

He launched into a massive tirade about how much pressure I put on him in life about the wedding and more. He told me he thought about driving his car into traffic yesterday as he couldn't think clearly due to what I expect from him.

Sounds like there is much more going on here than him not going to a last minute wedding. I think OP is only telling us a fraction of the story.

Original poster
Cocktailsandcats · 25/05/2024 23:47

The only other pressures he could mention was the other family events he has missed due to work. He misses a lot

I'm really thinking about what @Ponylady said. I would HATE to think I have abused him

OP posts:
saraclara · 25/05/2024 23:48

I couldn't be with a sulker. I don't know why so many are assuming that the partner is at fault here. OP at least is being honest about her behaviour.

Original poster
Cocktailsandcats · 25/05/2024 23:52

I don't think I'm a sulker often. He kept going back and forth saying he could and he couldnt etc so by the time he said he couldn't, I was disheartened. I really am going to check myself over this.

But I told him straight away last night mental health is FAR more important than missing a wedding and I just don't want to hear a mention of driving into traffic again. He said he doesn't know why he said it

OP posts: