I think I should leave him. He wanted to drive into traffic

[Cocktailsandcats]

I don't want to sound overdramatic but it was a very emotional week and I would like an impartial though

Sister had a last minute micro wedding yesterday. P (of nine years) said he couldnt go due to short notice. I will be honest that I sulked a bit. Not very mature and I regret it but I was disappointed. He turned off his phone even though I was sharing my location with him while driving home. He apologised later but he never turns off his phone.

When I got home I went to check for him as I was worried his phone was off and it was late. I found him in bed watching tv and the long drive/tension/disappointment hit a bit and I explained. He launched into a massive tirade about how much pressure I put on him in life about the wedding and more. He told me he thought about driving his car into traffic yesterday as he couldn't think clearly due to what I expect from him.

We settled everything but I have been awake since 4:50 worrying about him and feeling like a terrible partner. My stomach is upside down and I wonder should I just walk away and give him a break because I can't live knowing I make someone feel like that

I would HATE to think I have abused him
Op only you know how far you went but if it was more of a normal upset because of everything (because you’re human and were stressed!!!) and he reacted the way he did there’s a big issue. Firstly it’s whether he meant it, because it’s a huge and scary thing if he did, but as another poster said saying to someone’you stress me out’- nobody is getting anything out of that relationship. Myself and dh have issues and get irrational and irritated at each other, but we’d never descend to ‘you make me stressed’ which is a whole other thing imo (not an expert but once had a boyfriend who said that to me a few times and I only realised after it was such a sign that he couldn’t take me for what I was)

Of course it would register - no one wants to be in the car with anyone suicidal who has talked about driving into oncoming traffic.

It is the most concerning part because, despite what you say, it is not at all clear whether he intended it as a physical threat to her as well as him, but he very clearly meant it to be an emotional threat.

I haven’t voted because you’re asking the wrong questions. You’re blaming yourself for everything.
Should I give him a break….. I make someone feel like that…..
You both acted wrongly. But he really overreacted. You shouldn’t have sulked over him not wanting to go to a wedding with short notice. He shouldn’t have hit back by turning his phone off. He shouldn’t have launched into a tirade over something so inconsequential and to say he thought of “driving into traffic” was ridiculous and manipulative. He’s saying he actually wanted to die because of a tiff, and you believe this absurd claim and think it’s your fault.
It sounds as though the relationship is on the rocks. If the two of you want to stay together you both have some work to do. Not you - both of you.

And sometimes turning your phone off when it’s a scenario during which they usually are in contact, is controlling behaviour, to send a message to your partner that they are being punished.

He's said your actions caused him to feel suicidal. It sounds gaslighting, very manipulative and upsetting for you. He should take responsibility for his mental health and stop treating you like a controlling Mother. You don't need that, get some numbers of counsellors and ask him to choose 1. Get some yourself too, examine why you feel this is acceptable for him to say.

It is PERFECTLY clear that he didn't mean it as a physical threat to her. If she was in one car and he was in another, in different places, how on earth could he mean it as a threat to her!? There is no ambiguity whatsoever, you are just twisting things round to blame the man because you can't admit that a woman might be the one in the wrong.

I disagree. Phone situation? He’s the one who switched his phone off after they had a row.
It’s all moot anyway because from the update it seems to have blown over and he apologised for saying something so horrible.

What is the point in doing that? I am saying I wouldn't want to be in a car with him and I found what he said threatening and manipulative.

You trying to gloss over it saying "obviously" in a situation most people don't experience isn't proving anything other than you have not been in a car with a man driving at speed to deliberately scare you for his thrill.

You've presumably watched a man doing just that to his pregnant girlfriend in the clip I shared, who is lucky to be alive, yet you still want to tell us all "obviously" he isn't like that man.

We don't know which of you are THAT man.

We have to go on what you say and do to give us clues.

My clue would be him saying he has considered driving into oncoming traffic. Just because you aren't used to using clues to figure out if a situation is safe doesn't mean you get to tell women we are wrong and this man is "obviously" not a threat.

He switched his phone off because the OP was constantly bugging him. I'm not quite sure why you are so determined to paint him as an evil manipulator and the OP as an injured innocent, but it is really inaccurate.

You both sound irritating. Him more so. He also sounds semi-abusive. Threatening suicide because your partner is pissing you off really isn't on. On balance, I think he's behaved worse than you.

I'd leave him because he sounds grumpy and annoying but (as you've admitted) you haven't behaved perfectly either.

I am a woman, and no I didn't watch the clip because it isn't remotely relevant.

If he's not suicidal why did he say he was?

He didn't make a mistake with words he threatened you with suicide to get you to shut up

You feel guilty because he has deliberately made you feel guilty by threatening suicide

It's manipulation and gaslighting 101.

He's told you he's not suicidal. You did not make him want to drive into oncoming traffic.

OP admits that she sulked because he couldn’t get time off work.

She then admits going and having a go because he had his phone turned off.

If this was a man treating a woman like that then no one would be saying they’re both as bad as each other.

OP knows she overstepped.
She doesn’t need to leave him or feel guilty about it but she should reflect on her behaviour, like we all should.

I think if the woman threatened suicide to get her own way they would

I would say it’s more controlling to expect your partner to always have their phone on and share the location.

As a grown adult if I want to turn my phone off then I will.
If a man told me otherwise, then it would be a sign he was controlling.

Exactly. I feel I'm taking crazy pills reading these posts. The desire that some women have to always be the victim never ceases to astound me. I'm not talking about the OP, more the commenters.

I don't get what is so heinous about sharing your location on a long journey home, at night. I have friends who share their location if they're coming here, so I know when to expect them.

I have friends who might call if they're on a long drive for a bit of company too. I used to chat to one friend two nights a week as she made her way from a scary bit of London back out to Guildford.

Perfectly normal stuff and only an issue if someone has said they're busy or please don't do this and the other person continues to do it.

Threatening suicide on her sisters wedding day .
Suddenly Op is worried and anxious about him
It's absolutely text book narc behaviour

My brother was once in a semi-abusive relationship with a woman who would threaten suicide. I spoke about it on here once on a similar thread where everyone was sympathising with a woman who sounded dry much like my brother’s ex. A poster accused of being an Andrew Tate fan, and told me she was glad the woman (ie the abuser) “got away” from my brother.

Just to clear some bits....

We had one months notice for wedding. Was meant to be September but due to sick parent it was moved to Friday

I did not give him a go for having his phone off. I just thought it was unusual and that mixed with the wording of suicide made me wonder what was going on. He is a phone addict (arent we all!) and we are both quite attached to our phones so we often share locations/chat throughout drives. Even when travelling abroad for work

I didn't say the wedding was shit because he wasn't there. I did however say 'it was shit he wasn't there'. I missed him on the day.

I hate being called a bully, with a history of bullying in my life, but I will look at that too. If I am, I will work on it obviously

Also, not sure if people are confused but I didn't ask him to share his location. I was sharing mine on drive home. I don't care to see his

I think your instinct to leave is spot on Op
He doesn't attend/ prioritise family events that are important to you and threatens to drive into traffic and turns his phone off.
But you feel guilty 🤔
If I'm correct a family member is very seriously ill but he's made it all about him

Those of us who know, know
It's narc behaviour to sabotage important events
Think about it
Do you have good,warm feelings that the wedding went ahead, family member was there?
No because this tool has threatened to off himself, turned off his phone and is making you feel the wrong one

You are not right for each other. But it might take you another few months before you acknowledge that. There will be someone out there who is a better match for both of you.

The sister's wedding was over by the time they had the conversation. I have read the OP several times to make clear I wasn't missing anything. People are talking as if he staged some kind of big bust up on the day of, instead of reacting (badly, I admit) to the OP's needling at the end of a long day. It doesn't sound at all as if their communication styles mesh, but I don't think it is a clear cut as he is an abusive narc and she is a victim. Sometimes it is possible for both people in a relationship to be thoroughly toxic and bad for one another. On here, though, people always feel the need to twist the facts to fit a 'man bad, woman good' narrative, which I personally find both annoyingly inaccurate and condescending to me as a woman.