I think I should leave him. He wanted to drive into traffic

[Cocktailsandcats]

I don't want to sound overdramatic but it was a very emotional week and I would like an impartial though

Sister had a last minute micro wedding yesterday. P (of nine years) said he couldnt go due to short notice. I will be honest that I sulked a bit. Not very mature and I regret it but I was disappointed. He turned off his phone even though I was sharing my location with him while driving home. He apologised later but he never turns off his phone.

When I got home I went to check for him as I was worried his phone was off and it was late. I found him in bed watching tv and the long drive/tension/disappointment hit a bit and I explained. He launched into a massive tirade about how much pressure I put on him in life about the wedding and more. He told me he thought about driving his car into traffic yesterday as he couldn't think clearly due to what I expect from him.

We settled everything but I have been awake since 4:50 worrying about him and feeling like a terrible partner. My stomach is upside down and I wonder should I just walk away and give him a break because I can't live knowing I make someone feel like that

OP, run like the wind. Leave him. Go now. Do you live together?

’You’ve made me feel suicidal’ is absolutely textbook. If he kills himself it’ll be sad but not your fault. He’s saying it to control your emotions. Now you’ll think ‘I better never express disappointment in anything DP does in case it drives him to suicide’. He’s abusing you.

A man threatening suicide is also one of the biggest precursors to domestic violence. Are you in a position you can leave?

Please do stop feeling guilty, stop being gaslit by other posters, and get out of this extremely unhealthy relationship with this abusing man.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-to-do-if-an-abuser-threatens-suicide#

The only other pressures he could mention was the other family events he has missed due to work. He misses a lot

His family's events? Or only yours?

I think the wedding is a symptom of something else, which is that he's a workaholic. It's work that is driving him into the ground but it means he can't cope with any other conflict. Would I be right in thinking that when he says you put him under pressure that it's about you wanting a better work-life balance from him, for him to be a partner you can do fun things with not just someone who sleeps in the same bed?

I suspect that unless he could/would change his attitude to work you're on a hiding to nothing.

You are not the primary problem here, you are not abusive, anything you say is secondary to his work issues. But he won't see that and will blame it all on you. I'd go for the 'come to Jesus' talk, and if he won't budge think about finding someone else who is actually prepared to share their life with you.

@Cocktailsandcats

He could be manipulative with his 'suicide' threats, you could be a 'sulker' which indicates controlling.

So I'd say the best way to find out whose 'behaviour' is affecting whom would be for one of you to move out as a 'trial separation'. If either of you find that you feel better and more at peace apart than when you're together, then there's your answer.

It could also be both.

Nonsense. You are being highly selective in your reading of the OP and just trotting out this line because it suits your narrative. Sometimes relationships are toxic because the people aren't right for each other. It is highly bizarre to paint OP's partner as an abuser just because he is male.

I'm taking the impartial views in and listening

How would I know if I'm being a bully or sulking, rather than just sharing emotion/disappointment? It felt responsible to be disappointed and quiet and share that with him. I've been trying to read what I can online.

I'm trying to find the line between sharing my hurt feelings and manipulation

@MsLuxLisbon you are strangely over-invested in this thread, and verging on bullying the OP with your constant posts defending her partner. You’ve made your point. Many don’t agree with it, but it’s an open form so to each their own. Maybe let it drop now?

Thank you @JustPleachy x

I'm trying to find the line between sharing my hurt feelings and manipulation

Sulking = silent treatment

I'm sorry, but as someone who has direct experience of emotional abuse from women, I am very reluctant to see it minimised. However, I will bow out now, as you say. I have no desire to bully or torment the OP, who I think has been very reasonable in her approach to the different opinions expressed on this thread. My argument was more with the others who insist that her partner is an abuser based on extremely scant evidence.

I'm sorry you went through that @MsLuxLisbon and I'm really aware of how women can be just as abusive as men

This. It was my first thought.

Thank you! And I wish you all the best, either with your partner or away from him.

You are not the problem but I suspect you have a long history of people telling you that you are.

I think at the end of the day this is someone whose work takes priority over a lot of other things - and you have to ask yourself if you're really happy being with someone like that.

^^ This

We are all allowed make mistakes and say stupid things. Just like we are all allowed make mistakes and sulk when we don't like something.

Once they are one off occasions and not a trend, I think they are both forgivable if all is happy in the relationship elsewhere

Quite the contrast between me being an abusive bully or an abused victim!

I'm analysing myself since it happened and acknowledging I'm really bad at communicating when I'm disappointed/hurt. I go into myself and DP knows this. I'm not saying it's ok but sometimes I have to go quiet to then get over myself, give myself a slap and say sorry

But if that makes my partner feel like he wants to die or wants to say that, I'm not sure I can carry that guilt around forever

It’s because he’s threatening suicide because of how OP makes him feel. This is textbook stuff.

OP, ignore this poster and others like her/him. Threatening suicide is threatening violence. It’s dangerous.

The crux of this particular issue is that what you asked him to do was not an onerous task - the response you got is the rest of your life

Don’t be so daft. He doesn’t want to kill himself. He wants you to worry he will if you express any displeasure.

How much did he even notice your 'sulk' given he wasn't actually at home for most of it?

The type of sulk that is abusive is the one that a/starts out of fuck all and b/goes on for fucking days and c/ requires the non-sulker to make massive efforts to appease the sulker.

You had good reason to be disappointed. It did not go on for fucking days and you apologised, you did not force him to come grovelling to you, begging you to talk about it etc etc.

I don't think your sulk sounds abusive, I think its probably not the best way to deal with stuff, but pretty normal!

I do think that telling you he'd thought about killing himself is an attempt to control you in future. Next time you go somewhere without him, or do something he didn't want to do, thats going to be in the back of your mind. Next time you remember your sisters wedding, what are you going to recall... him saying he felt like killing himself.

Its an attempt to make you feel bad, so next time you might behave the way he wants instead of the way you want. And look, it's already working! You're doubting yourself and your actions!

The goal was to stop you talking about being disappointed and make himself the victim in the conversation. Now that it has been effective I’d expect him to use it again.

Do you want someone who will miss a lot of life events due to work? A month is reasonable notice for the majority of people to move some meetings. Do you want someone who won’t allow you to express displeasure or disappointment?

If you can live with the above and you enjoy being with him more than those things bother you then fine.

Someone was flying in for a meeting with him that day and he insisted he couldn't miss it. He owns his own business so the stress is pretty massive

I didn't sulk for days but it was frosty for maybe an hour? I apologised afterwards and then when I got home from the wedding I got pretty arsey but I was emotional. Again, that was my mistake

(1) I go into myself and DP knows this. I'm not saying it's ok but sometimes I have to go quiet to then get over myself, give myself a slap and say sorry

But if that makes my partner feel like he wants to die or wants to say that, I'm not sure I can carry that guilt around forever

(2) I apologised afterwards and then when I got home from the wedding I got pretty arsey but I was emotional. Again, that was my mistake

OP why are you so determined to make this your fault?