I think I should leave him. He wanted to drive into traffic

[Cocktailsandcats]

I don't want to sound overdramatic but it was a very emotional week and I would like an impartial though

Sister had a last minute micro wedding yesterday. P (of nine years) said he couldnt go due to short notice. I will be honest that I sulked a bit. Not very mature and I regret it but I was disappointed. He turned off his phone even though I was sharing my location with him while driving home. He apologised later but he never turns off his phone.

When I got home I went to check for him as I was worried his phone was off and it was late. I found him in bed watching tv and the long drive/tension/disappointment hit a bit and I explained. He launched into a massive tirade about how much pressure I put on him in life about the wedding and more. He told me he thought about driving his car into traffic yesterday as he couldn't think clearly due to what I expect from him.

We settled everything but I have been awake since 4:50 worrying about him and feeling like a terrible partner. My stomach is upside down and I wonder should I just walk away and give him a break because I can't live knowing I make someone feel like that

Perhaps the wedding was the tip of his personal iceberg.

Exactly. Bloody hell, I know I always bang on about Mumsnet double standards but this thread really takes the cake. I can only imagine the reaction if the genders were reversed, and a man posted that he had behaved like OP, or if a woman posted that her husband had. Everyone would be screaming that he was a controlling arse, and with good reason. The phone thing is especially absurd.

I really worry about people taking AIBU as a legitimate source of advice on such a serious issues as this, OP. Some answers will be genuinely thoughtful and useful, but you do realise that a load of people hang out on AIBU looking to put the boot into anyone posting about literally anything? M

Relationships should be a safer place to post (although increasingly people just looking for someone to criticise there too).

It sounds like you have expectations of him that, as this thread proves, some people find reasonable while others find unreasonable.

example 1 - expecting him to go all-out to change work commitments which may reflect badly on him in his job, for an event that someone he's possibly not close to has chosen to organise at short notice;

example 2 - expecting him to stay awake and participate in keeping you awake on a long drive you're on where he's not even present.

From my point of view, while it's okay to ask if he'd be up for either of these, it's not okay to expect it and be grumpy about him refusing.

His response (mentioning suicidal thoughts) is obviously concerning, but I think the main thing here is you need to explore your behaviour and whether you have a general tendency to lay expectations on him that he's feeling suffocated by...

I'm taking it all on board

I often share my location when driving across the country or coming home in taxi late at night, I didn't realise that could seem intense but I will examine that

I have no concerns over his mental health and he has explained he is not suicidal and if he is, he will speak to his GP or me or his mates. He said he was tired and made a mistake with his words

I feel like an absolute guilty idiot right now

Edited to remove as just seen OP update so n0t relevant

Agree
Typical Narc behaviour to ruin happy events and make it all about them
Bin

Gosh, it all sounds like a fuss about nothing.

You wanted to go to a last minute event and he was already booked up. It happens. No big deal. It was hardly that you wouldn't know anyone there. But you sulked, and then made more of it when you got home.

Then he makes a stupid comment about driving into traffic. He has no history of mental health issues so is clearly just over-emphasising that he was irritated. Poor taste but again, no big deal.

As for the turning phones off, I wouldn't even notice until my family member was overdue by a few hours. He's a grown up and capable of looking after himself. More fuss about nothing.

Absolutely classic
You feel guilty, he has got you right where he wants you

Could it be just as simple as you want a more intense level of connection / communication than he’s able to provide / comfortable with and that just means you’re not compatible?

It’s very often nobody’s fault - if one person’s expectations are experienced as overbearing to the other, it doesn’t mean either party is unreasonable, but that neither party is getting what they want.

So you don’t have to leave for his sake, to spare him the pressure of your expectations (which frankly sounds a bit martyrish and dramatic anyway), but you could leave because you have different social needs and communication preferences and you don’t want to spend your life feeling frustrated and disappointed.

I think you should walk away, but to give yourself a break not for his sake. He sounds like he dumps all his feelings on you.

How was he 'making it all about him'? He merely declined to go to the wedding. If he had gone and then been sulky, I would agree with you. But he merely set a boundary and only got upset when the OP bullied him over it.

I'm not sure if it's fair to call the OP a bully, is it?

What is a last minute micro wedding? In UK , you have to give notice and have bans read or notice displayed at RO , and I think that is at least three weeks? The only exceptions are special licenses, which are generally granted if one of the participants is at deaths door. So I don’t understand how you couldn’t have made a more sensible plan to attend.

She may not be 'a bully' per se, but I would argue that yes, she was bullying him. First, she moaned and moaned that he couldn't go to the wedding. Then, she complained because his phone was switched off. Then, she said that the wedding was 'shit' because he wasn't there. I would call that bullying, yes. And, if the genders were reversed, so would everyone else on this thread.

https://www.kentonline.co.uk/medway/news/shocking-footage-shows-moment-car-crashes-into-lorry-on-m2-307260/

This is what happens when men try to scare women while they are driving. Poor woman will likely be trapped in this abusive relationship and loose her kids because we have no space to put him away and give her a chance to escape.

You both sound like very very hard work. Who sulks when someone can’t go to something super last minute. Likewise why is you sharing your location of any importance? Is he duty bound to track you all the way home?

He didn't ruin the happy event

He said it was too short notice for something that in MN speak is an invite not a summons

She decided that wasn't good enough and sulked about it / she spoilt it for herself

He then admits that he's feeling suicidal as a result of stress / blame she's putting on him

He should leave

The OP's partner didn't actually do that, though, did he? He was just letting off steam by verbalising. I don't think that the two of them are a good fit.

What’s done is done, there’s no point feeling guilty about it.

Just be aware in future of how you behave towards him and whether you may be nagging/suffocating him.

If someone invites you to something and you can’t get it off work it would be very unfair if he made you feel guilty, got upset or sulked over it.

Saying he wanted to drive into traffic is bad and I hope he’s not suicidal but turning your phone off is usually a sign you’re at breaking point.

There was no need for you to have a dig at him for turning his phone off.
He’s an adult and if he wants to turn his phone off then he can.

Sometimes we just need a break from the people we love and then we’re fine again.

Sometimes we need things like this to happen to reflect on our own behaviour and make things better.
No one is perfect.

Is that advice from the Dummies Guide to Misogny? Nagging, suffocating, having a dig… poor menz…get real. They both sound as bad as each - dramatic, manipulative, moody. Not a match made in heaven is it?

If it's something that has even crossed his mind I'd not want to go in the car with him.

No, we would not all be on her side. Threatening suicide over a minor disagreement is never ok.

He obviously wasn't talking about harming the OP. She seems to have her own car, anyway. I don't know why people are taking this turn of phrase so literally and saying that it makes him a danger to OP. It seems as if they might have a toxic and dysfunctional relationship, but there is nothing to indicate that he is any worse than she is.

You might not be, but most on here would. As soon as the phone situation came up, everyone would be screaming to LTB. I doubt that the driving into traffic thing would even register if it was a woman who said it.