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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I should leave him. He wanted to drive into traffic

177 replies

Cocktailsandcats · 25/05/2024 23:10

I don't want to sound overdramatic but it was a very emotional week and I would like an impartial though

Sister had a last minute micro wedding yesterday. P (of nine years) said he couldnt go due to short notice. I will be honest that I sulked a bit. Not very mature and I regret it but I was disappointed. He turned off his phone even though I was sharing my location with him while driving home. He apologised later but he never turns off his phone.

When I got home I went to check for him as I was worried his phone was off and it was late. I found him in bed watching tv and the long drive/tension/disappointment hit a bit and I explained. He launched into a massive tirade about how much pressure I put on him in life about the wedding and more. He told me he thought about driving his car into traffic yesterday as he couldn't think clearly due to what I expect from him.

We settled everything but I have been awake since 4:50 worrying about him and feeling like a terrible partner. My stomach is upside down and I wonder should I just walk away and give him a break because I can't live knowing I make someone feel like that

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 26/05/2024 08:06

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Perhaps you should end things? Mines really calm and laid.back. If he was saying those things I'd wonder if we had a toxic.relationship, or if he was just being very manipulative.

reservoirdawg · 26/05/2024 08:07

Ponylady · 25/05/2024 23:28

You don't need to walk away. You need to sit down and plan the way forward.
If he still wants to be with you then ask him what you need to do to make him feel safe. Then do it.

Does he need to see someone about his low mood?

Read up on sulking as a form of abuse. Sulking isn't childish and annoying. Sulking is cruel and abusive and soul destroying for the other person.

You can change.

WTF? Is she a walking rehab centre. Is it mandatory to be in a relationship?
@Cocktailsandcats you know best if this is a you or him problem.
What are the practicalities of ending the relationship?
Flowers

Nicole1111 · 26/05/2024 08:22

I’m just going to leave this here …… It might be worth assessing his comment with this image in mind. It might be that he’s genuinely struggling with his mental health, but it’s always worth considering if it is a tactic he’s using to get you to lower expectations of what he comes to.

I think I should leave him. He wanted to drive into traffic
Apollo365 · 26/05/2024 08:24

LTB

Ellie1015 · 26/05/2024 08:27

Either he does have thoughts of self harm and he needs help for that. You are absolutely not the cause of it though.

Or he said it to change the conversation from you being annoyed about phone being off. Which could be manipulative or an exaggeration of the pressure he feels when you sulk.

He should try to attend some family things, you should accept when he can't. If he is just not a sociable person you might have to accept that or look for someone who suits you better.

Maray1967 · 26/05/2024 08:27

TheShellBeach · 26/05/2024 00:41

...........he doesn't deserve a partner who makes him feel that badly

He sounds like a self-absorbed prick, who has really done a number on you.

This.

  1. why couldn’t he attend the wedding?
  2. making threats like that is not on - designed to make you back off.
MiniPumpkin · 26/05/2024 08:30

Threats of harm/suicide can be an attempt to control or manipulate

GabriellaMontez · 26/05/2024 08:37

Tbh if someone said I'm going to share my location, ring you, and keep myself awake telling you about a wedding, for 4 hours... I'd switch my phone off.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 26/05/2024 08:43

How is your relationship outside of this one incident?

On the fave it of, either your messing up his mental health (so split up) or he's a twat who is manipulating you (so split up).

But if the rest of the time has been gold, he's never normally like this etc, that would suggest there's something else going on which might be able to be resolved?

Momstermunch · 26/05/2024 08:55

Part of the reason you're getting such contrasting opinions is because people on here think life is like a Western with goodies and baddies and they have to try and label you and your partner as one or the other.

It is entirely possible that you are both neither goodies or baddies but were both a bit out of order.

If you do decide to stay together you both need to work on your communication because sulking and talking about driving into traffic are not healthy.

MzHz · 26/05/2024 10:09

Sounds like he’s punishing you for going out to the wedding @Cocktailsandcats

GingerPirate · 26/05/2024 10:12

Yes, leave.
You are not compatible, as it sounds.

JustPleachy · 26/05/2024 11:10

I think he’s being manipulative. Part of why I think that is the specific threat he made.

It was a violent threat, to threaten to do something dramatic that would kill both him and others. Generally, people who are actually suicidal are more quiet about it, and want to harm only themselves. Some also want to harm partners, but usually when that’s the case the harm to the partner is the primary objective and the suicide aspect is because they don’t want to deal with any consequences. So in threatening to “drive into traffic” really he is just expressing a threat of extreme violence.

In your position I would call his bluff, which has the added benefit of getting him help if it is actually true. Insist he goes to the Dr to talk it through. Make an appointment for him at a therapist.

willWillSmithsmith · 26/05/2024 11:54

Maybe you’re just not suited to each other. He wouldn’t be for me but neither do I like being sulked at.

MsLuxLisbon · 26/05/2024 12:23

Outlookmainlyfair · 25/05/2024 23:26

Not your problem - he sounds like an attention seeking Manchild.walk away, but with your head held high knowing that you are not the issue!

You don't know that at all. From what the OP has shared, she sounds unreasonable. WTF is a 'last minute micro wedding' anyway?

MsLuxLisbon · 26/05/2024 12:26

SophieJo · 26/05/2024 07:50

I agree. Don’t beat yourself up about this. It’s not your fault.

Show quote history

How do you know!? Honestly, this place. Bloody hell. Kudos to OP that she is actually questioning herself and not just following the moronic 'man evil, woman saint' narrative that this place pushes so hard.

Luxell934 · 26/05/2024 12:32

How short notice was the wedding and why couldn't he attend? You say because it was short notice but why could he not go? Work? Other commitments? Could they have been rearranged you think? Do you feel like he could have made the effort to be there or was it impossible for him?

What is his mental health like normally?

Original poster
Cocktailsandcats · 26/05/2024 12:38

A last minute micro wedding means that my sister got married with only a month of notice and it was only 10 family members. Partner is very much a workaholic and couldn't cancel meetings for that day

I was disappointed when I heard that and we had conversations about moving the meetings. He insisted he couldn't and I am being honest saying that I explained I was disappointed. He was away with work until the next day and we didn't speak much until he came home. It wasnt mature of me but once I saw him face to face I apologised for being quiet, we moved on

When I came home from the wedding I explained it was 'shit he wasn't there' (these are the words I used). He launched into wanting to drive into traffic/how he doesn't know why he is the way he is/how I pressure him too much about work/life balance

Im happy to question myself and I attend counselling due to the nature of my work. His mental health is fine, never had any mental up and downs apart from work stress (which he uses the gym to help). He said he said what he said because he was very tired

OP posts:
Teajenny7 · 26/05/2024 12:50

Sadly, a close friend of mine committed suicide a few years ago in her early 50s. We were shocked as she seemed the most balanced amongst our friendship group.
A friend's son was the same. He was on paper a happy chappy.
My DC has lost 2 friends to suicide in less than a year. They were in their late 20s.
Mental Health problems like some physical problems are often invisible.

Men tend not to talk about mental health.
He may be genuinely trying to open up.
He may being manipulate
Whatever is going on if you both want to remain together you have to work at it.
Good luck.

MsLuxLisbon · 26/05/2024 12:59

Cocktailsandcats · 26/05/2024 12:38

A last minute micro wedding means that my sister got married with only a month of notice and it was only 10 family members. Partner is very much a workaholic and couldn't cancel meetings for that day

I was disappointed when I heard that and we had conversations about moving the meetings. He insisted he couldn't and I am being honest saying that I explained I was disappointed. He was away with work until the next day and we didn't speak much until he came home. It wasnt mature of me but once I saw him face to face I apologised for being quiet, we moved on

When I came home from the wedding I explained it was 'shit he wasn't there' (these are the words I used). He launched into wanting to drive into traffic/how he doesn't know why he is the way he is/how I pressure him too much about work/life balance

Im happy to question myself and I attend counselling due to the nature of my work. His mental health is fine, never had any mental up and downs apart from work stress (which he uses the gym to help). He said he said what he said because he was very tired

Yeah, you were unreasonable. It's good that you admitted it, though, and are working on it. He wasn't able to move his work, and you both pressured him beforehand and guilted him afterwards. I'm not surprised he was upset with you. Ignore the people who say he was being manipulative. He wasn't, you were. The good thing, though, is that you recognize that and are willing to work on it.

pikkumyy77 · 26/05/2024 13:01

SoftPuppyBlanket · 26/05/2024 05:45

Well if you think about it, if you* *do make him feel so bad it's not like his only option is to drive into traffic.
He could take the less manipulative route and, you know, just leave you?
I suppose that wouldn't suite him as much though, because he wouldn't get your attention anymore for his mental health issues would he.

I agree with this. Is it your experience, OP, that he meets any conflict with threats of withdrawal and self harm? Because that’s his style and he won’t change it unless he seeks a lot of help.

Threats of self harm, like “I will get drunk if you..” or I will hurt you if you… are not something that you should tolerate in a relationship.

ladybirdsanchez · 26/05/2024 13:07

Whoever is in the wrong here it doesn't sound like the two of you have a healthy relationship. He messes you around, you sulk and he then threatens suicide (and murder). That's the definition of a toxic relationship and he sounds like a manipulative arse. Would he drive into oncoming traffic with you in the car, do you think? Angry men sometimes do take their family with them when they kill themselves.

MsLuxLisbon · 26/05/2024 13:08

pikkumyy77 · 26/05/2024 13:01

I agree with this. Is it your experience, OP, that he meets any conflict with threats of withdrawal and self harm? Because that’s his style and he won’t change it unless he seeks a lot of help.

Threats of self harm, like “I will get drunk if you..” or I will hurt you if you… are not something that you should tolerate in a relationship.

Show quote history

What about the OP guilting him and pressuring him? Is that just fine, or is he the only one who needs to work on themself? I'm not saying that his reaction was ideal, but it wasn't in response to OP getting upset with him for a legitimate reason, like being out all night drinking or cheating. It was in response to OP nagging him and guilting him. They both need to figure out a better way of communicating, or they need to part.

Choochoo21 · 26/05/2024 13:10

You sound very intense.

The fact that he had to turn his phone off says it all.

You don’t need to share your location or contact him during your drive home.

He is feeling overwhelmed by you and you just need to back off a bit.

I understand why you’d be disappointed about the wedding but if he was working then it can’t really be helped.

If he’s already said no then there’s no reason to keep nagging/sulking - that’s not going to make him change his mind.

I would feel quite suffocated in this relationship.

FiveTreeHill · 26/05/2024 13:12

What demands do you place on him? Do you think they are outside the demands expected of most people? I would expect a partner to try to cancel work meetings for my siblings wedding. That's not unreasonable.

If hes having suicidal thoughts then he needs professional mental health support. He needs to call his GP ASAP.

I think to should take this very seriously. He has made a very serious disclosure to you, no one feels suicidal because of one person. It's not your fault.

Is it the demands of you or his job? If his job means he can't meet the demands of family life, and that's causing him to have suicidal thoughts does he need to think about a different job? Perhaps some time off work? Again something his Gp can help with

Of course if he's not actually having suicidal thoughts then he's a manipulative twat and you should leave