I think I should leave him. He wanted to drive into traffic

[Cocktailsandcats]

I don't want to sound overdramatic but it was a very emotional week and I would like an impartial though

Sister had a last minute micro wedding yesterday. P (of nine years) said he couldnt go due to short notice. I will be honest that I sulked a bit. Not very mature and I regret it but I was disappointed. He turned off his phone even though I was sharing my location with him while driving home. He apologised later but he never turns off his phone.

When I got home I went to check for him as I was worried his phone was off and it was late. I found him in bed watching tv and the long drive/tension/disappointment hit a bit and I explained. He launched into a massive tirade about how much pressure I put on him in life about the wedding and more. He told me he thought about driving his car into traffic yesterday as he couldn't think clearly due to what I expect from him.

We settled everything but I have been awake since 4:50 worrying about him and feeling like a terrible partner. My stomach is upside down and I wonder should I just walk away and give him a break because I can't live knowing I make someone feel like that

I'm taking on board what others have said about bullying and abuse and simply trying to look at it from a viewpoint of 'what could I have done wrong' so I can see this for what it really could be

Personally I think he's playing you, he's manipulating you into thinking it's all your fault, so you then don't think about him not going with you.
It will 100% happen again over something else.

I'm not sure why so many have voted you unreasonable OP, especially when you said it happened before?

He doesn't want to die and what he said was manipulative.
As a PP said, it seems likely that you have a history of people telling you that you're the problem when you're not.

Thank you for all the replies 💗

I am on a loop analysing my actions with him and am trying to take everything into account. I'm trying to get myself out of the loop and see clearly

He’s controlling you with threats of suicide. The fear you feel will condition you into having no expectations of him, ergo he’s free to do as he pleases. The suicide threat is a crock of shit. He has no such intentions.

The way out of the loop is to take his statement at face value:

The kind of person my wife is makes me want to kill myself.

Ok: he should be getting therapy to manage his suicidal ideation and should take steps to leave you.

If he doesn’t do either of those things then he was just pretending to feel suicidal in order to control you.

You CAN NOT solve this problem for him. Given the situation as you describe it he is incredibly emotionally fragile and will have the same experience any time a wife/gf expects him to put her, or the relationship, ahead of work. So he has to want to get better. You can’t promise that he will never experience pressure again. He has to want to learn to manage.

Stop analyzing, that's what he wants you to do! He wants you to question everything you do and doubt yourself.

Realize instead that you have a right to your feelings and a right to express them. Obvs there are ways and there are ways of expressing, but I don't think you're crossing any line. He just doesn't like that you have opinions about his behaviour.

Listen, I 'go into myself' when I'm upset too. That's not sulking. Sulking is when you walk around silently with a face like a slapped arse or cat's bum mouth. It's when you huff, puff, and mutter. It's when you create 'atmosphere' and it usually lasts for hours, if not days. And if the 'issue' is discussed it usually ends up in another argument. 'Going into yourself' is simply taking yourself off or sitting quietly, thinking. It usually doesn't last for hours on end. You sit and think, then you shake it off and either forget about it, apologize, or you're able to discuss calmly.

And I agree with PPs, his suicide threats are a form of control and manipulation. It's sick and cruel. The best thing you can do is either not react to it or to call 999 and report him as 'a danger to himself'. Having the police/ambulance showing up at the door usually stops that sort of shenanigans.

And if by some minuscule, unmeasurably tiny chance he did take his own life, that would not be your fault. It would be a decision he made of his own volition and carried out under his own power. And committing suicide to 'punish' someone is one of the sickest things of all.

Leave. Eventually he will say that when you are in the car. My ex threatened to drive us both off the road when our relationship was in early failure. He drove so recklessly for that hour that I was genuinely scared for my life and I’m still scared of driving hilly country roads and I don’t like being a passenger. 15 years on and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

That sounds scary @AllThePotatoesAreSinging. I hope one day you may find it a little easier

We spoke a little today (he's currently away) and he said what he said was stupid but he doesnt want to talk about it anymore. He said people say stupid things sometimes and he knows I've 'not a bad bone in my body' and didn't mean to cause him stress

Until the next time, not to mention the stress he’s caused you. Honestly, these are early warning signs.

Because he tried to open up, and it's so bloody hard to talk about that once someone starts quizzing you over it you just want to backtrack and pretend you never said it, even though that's what you're thinking.

It's much more concerning than actually talking about it.

From a mental health first aider - drag him to the GP whether he wants to go or not.

A friend once said something concerning when drunk. Sobar she tried to deny it all. I managed to convince her to see her GP but she needed me to talk for her. She couldn't get the words out. Your P might need you to advocate for him if he isn't able to talk about it himself.

Poor MH in men is more likely shown in risk-taking behavior than withdrawn depression symptoms.

He actually goes to counselling and marathon trains for his stress levels. I always thought he looked after his mental health (his brother has mental health issues which seemed to spur him on to look after his)

The other time he said it was during an argument in 2019 and I pushed him to then go to counselling but he didn't start until late 2022. I'm taking it on board @Gladtobeout but I'm not sure how I could convince him to go to GP

I actually don't think it matters if you are controlling or he is abusive, either way you just don't work properly together, neither of you are potentially good for the other so I would end it. This relationship isn't going to work for whatever reason.

This. Have you said saying this kind of thing because you’re being stupid is not acceptable: if it ever happens again we are over, right then and there.

does he ever support you? Go with you to things? Or are you largely on your own in life?

He is a grown man, owns his own business, trains for marathons, and has therapy support. What part of that requires a woman to manage his emotions and force him to see a GP?

He is either much sicker than you can manage or more emotionally labile than you can manage.

He's actually really proactive about GP visits and is a little bit of a health worrier (his Mum died young) but I can't see him going to her saying 'I told my partner I want to die' 🙄

I don't think she needs to add the stress of trying to bring him to the GP on top of her own stress/looping thoughts

Update: A few days ago he left me saying he's better off alone and can't do relationships. He said he has no feelings towards me anymore. He said he's not suicidal in anyway and just messed up by saying he was

I'm pretty heartbroken. We share an iPad and I've just seen he's signed up to an online dating app the day after saying he cant do relationships

Sorry OP. ☕️💐 Good riddance to the jerk. Give yourself time to grieve then embrace your freedom and the opportunity to create a more loving relationship.

OP, be attuned to what will happen next. You WILL get messages from him trying to ‘hoover’ you back up. Google it and arm yourself against it.

Time is a great healer. You’re far too good for him.

Don’t read too much into the dating app. He’s looking for sex, not a relationship.

You’re definitely better off without him.

You are well rid here OP
Sign him out on that iPad. It doesn't matter what he's up to any more

Yes, sort out that ipad!

It doesn’t feel like it but this seems a fortuitous get out for you.

You can do so, so much better than this man, with whatever you choose to do next!