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AIBU?

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Original poster

I think I should leave him. He wanted to drive into traffic

177 replies

Cocktailsandcats · 25/05/2024 23:10

I don't want to sound overdramatic but it was a very emotional week and I would like an impartial though

Sister had a last minute micro wedding yesterday. P (of nine years) said he couldnt go due to short notice. I will be honest that I sulked a bit. Not very mature and I regret it but I was disappointed. He turned off his phone even though I was sharing my location with him while driving home. He apologised later but he never turns off his phone.

When I got home I went to check for him as I was worried his phone was off and it was late. I found him in bed watching tv and the long drive/tension/disappointment hit a bit and I explained. He launched into a massive tirade about how much pressure I put on him in life about the wedding and more. He told me he thought about driving his car into traffic yesterday as he couldn't think clearly due to what I expect from him.

We settled everything but I have been awake since 4:50 worrying about him and feeling like a terrible partner. My stomach is upside down and I wonder should I just walk away and give him a break because I can't live knowing I make someone feel like that

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 25/05/2024 23:57

does he ever support you when it’s not convenient to him? We got together very young and my Dh had to learn I expect support even when it’s inconvenient, and that’s what he had from me. If you have an adult man who doesn’t do that and tops it off with sulking, childish turning his phone off and threats of suicide, then it’s time to say I’ve been thinking, and I’m very sad about this, but most people do not think about driving into traffic because their partner would like them to attend a family wedding. You are often upset about the idea of my family events and don’t go, but this is stepping it up. I think I must be bad for you, as if you were with someone else you might not react this way. I think we should separate and you can be free to find someone who doesnt make you feel this way, and I can find someone who expecting them to attend family things doesn’t make them feel that way either.

mathanxiety · 26/05/2024 00:21

Yes - you should leave this relationship.

Forget walking away. You need to run.

You're dealing with a self absorbed, manipulative, immature man who will never improve.

End the relationship.
Turn off your phone.

Block him. Don't get sucked back in (there will be more attempts at manipulation).

mathanxiety · 26/05/2024 00:24

Jessie21 · 25/05/2024 23:28

Hang on...

Reverse the roles, husband makes wife feel like driving into traffic. You'd all be on her side.

OP, you need to assess your relationship and if you do put any pressure on him

Show quote history

There's a difference between the behaviour of this man (phone off, threatening suicide) and a woman feeling like driving into traffic.

Suicide threats are the ultimate card up the manipulator's sleeve.

Original poster
Cocktailsandcats · 26/05/2024 00:25

The contrast of responses here is pretty confusing but that's the joy of opinions

I don't want to be the cause of him feeling like this. That's simply the crooks of it. It's only the second time he said it in nine years but he doesn't deserve a partner who makes him feel that badly

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/05/2024 00:41

...........he doesn't deserve a partner who makes him feel that badly

He sounds like a self-absorbed prick, who has really done a number on you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/05/2024 01:17

You’re not giving any details of the actual dynamics of your relationship. Saying ‘he doesn’t deserve to feel that badly’ due to your behaviour comes across as manipulative without any information. It’s not the same as saying you admit you do treat him badly and will work on improving how you relate to him; instead it makes you sound like a long suffering victim being too hard on herself. Which you may well be! It’s all unclear.

ThinWomansBrain · 26/05/2024 01:25

controlling twat.
if he is claiming you make him feel that stressed, do him a favour, leave & he won't have anything to be stressed about.

TealSapphire · 26/05/2024 01:28

He was never going to drive into traffic. It's put you back in your place though.

3luckystars · 26/05/2024 01:28

The whole thing sounds weird.

ShambalaAnna · 26/05/2024 01:29

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/05/2024 01:17

You’re not giving any details of the actual dynamics of your relationship. Saying ‘he doesn’t deserve to feel that badly’ due to your behaviour comes across as manipulative without any information. It’s not the same as saying you admit you do treat him badly and will work on improving how you relate to him; instead it makes you sound like a long suffering victim being too hard on herself. Which you may well be! It’s all unclear.

This. I wouldn't make a snap judgement on this situation without more context. Others may be happy to just say walk away (so easy) or stay and seek help. For me, wouldn't be encouraging anything so drastic off just this post.

Lucy377 · 26/05/2024 01:32

You don't deserve a partner who makes you feel this badly.
He sounds melodramatic and guilt tripping you.
All you did was ask him to go to your sisters wedding. Not a massive deal.
Is he a workaholic?
He then got angry at you because he refused to get time off work to go. Tried to make it your fault.
Then he upped the pressure on you and didn't give a shit that you were driving home 4 hrs.
Don't buy into this bs.

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/05/2024 05:04

How did you make him feel 'that badly'...

You did a perfectly normal thing - you went to an event you were both invited to.

You were upset he didn't want to come - were you just a bit miffed or did you do a full on manipulative controlling silent treatment? I can imagine I'd be a bit miffed at having to go alone particularly at having to do an 8 hour round trip on my own, and I think thats ok... if you had an epic sulk-fest in an attempt to really make him feel bad, thats another matter.

The way out of it though is not to tell someone you thought of killing yourself, or to go silent on them when they've got a 4 hour drive home by themselves. It is to have a conversation!

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 26/05/2024 05:26

Cocktailsandcats · 26/05/2024 00:25

The contrast of responses here is pretty confusing but that's the joy of opinions

I don't want to be the cause of him feeling like this. That's simply the crooks of it. It's only the second time he said it in nine years but he doesn't deserve a partner who makes him feel that badly

The contrast in opinions is because of the differing assumptions by posters replying to you. Some are assuming he's controlling, threats of suicide can be used by abusers to get their own way and shut the other person down. Other's that you are controlling because of the location thing, him saying he's under heaps of pressure from you and you saying you reacted by sulking which could mean you gave him the silent treatment.
Some people are assuming he meant it and needs urgent support with his mental health and you to back off with any demands. Some people are assuming you're both being dramatic and its a storm in a tea cup. I may have missed some. None of us know what the actual answer is.

If you can think honestly about behaviour both verbal and nonverbal from both of you you're better set to work it out. I wouldn't leap straight to its my fault he felt that. If he actually felt it thats a big problem if he used it to control you that's a very different but just as problematic thing. If you can post honestly about other things that have happened in your relationship MN might be able to help answer that question but every person replying comes at it with their own biases and own beliefs.

Garlicked · 26/05/2024 05:40

TealSapphire · 26/05/2024 01:28

He was never going to drive into traffic. It's put you back in your place though.

Agree, and I'm sorry you've been made to feel like a terrible person for wanting your partner to join you at family events. You don't deserve a partner who makes you feel like this.

SoftPuppyBlanket · 26/05/2024 05:45

Well if you think about it, if you* *do make him feel so bad it's not like his only option is to drive into traffic.
He could take the less manipulative route and, you know, just leave you?
I suppose that wouldn't suite him as much though, because he wouldn't get your attention anymore for his mental health issues would he.

OuijaBoard · 26/05/2024 07:38

If he is indeed suicidal, you are NOT the cause of his suicidal feelings. While being in a relationship he does not want to be in (is there some reason he feels he has to be with you and cannot end the relationship normally if he chooses?) can intensify those kinds of feelings, you are NOT causing them, and cannot "fix" them. Now that he has acknowledged that he has these feelings, is HE doing something to address them? If he's not at least looking for ways to seek professional help (and yes, I understand it may not be easily available, affordable, etc.) then I would question - terrible as it conventionally sounds - whether he is being genuine or whether this might be, as it so often is, a tool of abuse.

Sillystrumpet · 26/05/2024 07:41

I’m sorry that is a heinous thing for him to say, and if it’s not true then incredibly manipulative. I’d not be able to look at him

Loopytiles · 26/05/2024 07:48

Your thinking here seems skewed - assuming you have caused his reported thoughts and feelings.

Either what he said (twice) was true and he needs MH help, and his MH issue was not caused by you. or (more likely from what you’ve said) he said it to upset and manipulate you, which is horrible. Either way, it’d be better to focus on how you think and feel about it, and what YOU deserve, not on his BS.

Setting aside the short notice wedding it sounds like he doesn’t want to attend things with your family/friends. Not a good sign, unless you were asking him to do this loads or they are difficult or unpleasant company.

SophieJo · 26/05/2024 07:50

Appalonia · 25/05/2024 23:43

It's totally not your fault. You can't ' make' someone feel like this. It sounds like emotional blackmail tbh.

I agree. Don’t beat yourself up about this. It’s not your fault.

Allfur · 26/05/2024 07:52

It would have been nice of him to come to that important life event with you, rather than stay in bed watching tv

Nosleepforthismum · 26/05/2024 07:56

Well I think he’s a prick that should have been made to go to your sisters wedding with you. Lazy fucker. We all have to do stuff we wouldn’t normally choose to do for our partners and this would be one of them. Dump him, he sounds horribly selfish.

alpenguin · 26/05/2024 07:59

You are not the cause of his feeling anything, he is. You are being blamed for whatever he is feeling and that’s different. You’re the scapegoat.

You are now worrying over his mental health and probably pandering to him to ensure he’s ok, so you’re in best behaviour mode and he’s away off out with pals having fun.

Who sounds like the manipulative one here?

This relationship isn’t sounding too healthy, OP.

Mix56 · 26/05/2024 07:59

TheShellBeach · 26/05/2024 00:41

...........he doesn't deserve a partner who makes him feel that badly

He sounds like a self-absorbed prick, who has really done a number on you.

If he's that unhappy, it should be him wanting to leave.
He is manipulating you.
He didnt want to go to the wedding, then sulked.
If you leave its because hes behaving like a bullying tosser

Lightsinthew00ds · 26/05/2024 08:00

Joyous, happy day, wedding, for your sister & family
Versus
Suicide threat, turned phone off, sulking man child

This is not normal behaviour

End the relationship today

Allfur · 26/05/2024 08:04

Vehicular suicide is very uncommon, he's manipulating you.

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