To consider pulling out of being MOH less than a fortnight before wedding?

[Rolomania]

Been best friends with the soon to be bride for well over 10 years. She’s always had a gob on her, putting her foot in it and is very opinionated. She has a lot of great qualities about her, which is why she is my best friend despite having to tell her to keep her opinions to herself sometimes.

I am her maid of honour in 12 days time… she has 2 other bridesmaids.

She has in my opinion taken it too far this time, and spread her judgemental opinions onto our other friend who is currently grieving a very close relative. To her face, other friend absolutely devastated with the lack of compassion and walked out.

I told best friend her comments were nasty and she seems not to care, said she can’t be bothered with someone dimming her shine with grief whilst she’s trying to focus on the wedding.

I just feel like pulling out of being maid of honour and telling her I’ve put up with some opinions from her for the last 10 years, but she’s taken it too far.

But because wedding is in 12 days, everything paid for, my dress, make up hair etc I just feel awful.

What would you do. I feel stuck

The bride's awful attitude notwithstanding, if the immediate issue is the fact that you are currently not speaking (rather than gritting your teeth and getting on with being MOH and reassessing the friendship afterwards), then ask her if - in the circumstances - she still wants you as MOH. Put the ball in her court.

Whatever happens, she'll be the one looking at her wedding photos in the future and being reminded of the consequences her attitude had on her big day. Either missing MOH/bridesmaids, or MOH/bridesmaids looking like they clearly don't want to be there.

I normally try not to take sides in disputes between friends or family, but in this case I would make an exception. I wouldn't go to the wedding, making it crystal clear I supported my bereaved friend, ie that I had my priorities right. If Bridezilla showed some contrition and genuinely apologised, then I might feel differently.

OP, I like pp's idea of putting the ball in the bride's court and asking her to apologise to bereaved friend and making that a condition of your attendance.

It would have to be a genuine apology. Unless bride can demonstrate that she actually understands that what she said was awful, there's no point having anything more to do with her.

No you act like an adult not a 14 year old and call her up and clear the air. There will be things you have done wrong too, there are always two sides.

in this case any stress caused by losing her MOH would be entirely self-inflicted though? It's not like the groom is dropping out, the wedding will still go ahead in exactly the same way if the MOH isn't there.

There are a lot of people who have drunk the "fairy princess wedding most important day of your life" (and everyone else's) kool aid on this thread. It's just ONE day, not an excuse to be a self-centered, selfish twat to everyone around you for the months prior.

I think that I'd drop her unless she gets in touch. You can hardly turn up if you aren't speakingthat's ridiculous. If she does contact you I would go on the day and then call it quits.

I just could not be "best friends" with someone who treated a bereaved friend with such a lack of compassion so would absolutely pull out and tell her why and also show solidarity with the grieving person.

I think I’d message I don’t think it’s a good idea I be in your wedding. You never know what can happen, someone close to me might be in an accident or die suddenly and my grief would inconvenience you with the wedding and all, best I stay away.

She either apologises to this other friend for her selfish cruelty, or you pull out of being her MOH. No offence to the role but it's hardly that disruptive, it isn't like you're the officiator or caterer or something, so it isn't the end of the world.

Being MOH is a sign of love for someone. Can you really love someone who can be so cruel? Would you really want to be her FRIEND going forward, let alone her MOH?

If she won't put things right and thus put you in a position whereby you can respect and like her again, why on earth would you want to stand by her side on a day designed to celebrate her, be in all the photos smiling, etc? It sounds like torture and tbh it's also dishonest.

the only thing OP has done "wrong" is say to bridezilla that telling their close friend their bereavement is ruining their wedding run-up is not a nice thing to do.
If that's wrong then I don't want to be right!

I wouldn't say anything or contact her. If she doesn't admit she was wrong on the next occasion she contacts you, if she just talks about the wedding as if what she did never happened, then I would block her at that point and not attend.

The attitude that a marriage is primarily about the first day is a sad one too.

The issue with that, though is that I assume the OP doesn’t want to spend the next eleven days (or however many are left) unsure as to whether she’s being MOH or not, though. I mean, for her own peace of mind, rather than any other reason.

I agree with Lightfoot 100%, and would do the same. I would be concentrating on checking in with grieving friend and seeing if I could support in any way.

@Rolomania My goodness- Bridezilla is deeply selfish and callous- That’s Weapons Grade arsehole behaviour.

Assuming Zilla has never lost anyone she cares about?

Ghastly woman.

This is not the friend that’s going to see you through the tough times in your life. There will be difficult times ahead with bereavements, potentially fertility problems, breakups, divorce etc. This woman is the absolute last person most people would want to lean on. Throw her back.

Also agree with this. Apologise or I am done and I'm out. Find another MOH - she sounds absolutely horrible

Bloody hell. Forget about being MOH, I would block this piece of shit immediately and I'd never speak to her ever again.

Nope I'd be pulling out but tell her ASAP.

Brides and their most impt-day-ever behavior suck.
you committed to MOH, go, have a good time, after give this cow some distance. And support grieving friend.
Honor your MoH commitment

This. I think she has gone too far and the situation has shown a side of bridezilla which makes your friendship untenable really. I would pull out, block her, and go check other friend is ok. Leave bridezilla to it, if she apologies you have a choice about what to do next.

She’s harsh, selfish and callous towards someone who has just been bereaved so I certainly wouldn’t get my head in a knot worrying about upsetting her!

I would not be her MOH. No way would I want to have to pretend that all is well after that. She’s been vile and that has a consequence: two friends not wanting to be pally with her on her wedding day as if she never said it. I think I’d say, “After the disagreement between you and [friend], I can understand why she is upset and I don’t feel happy with this situation or your refusal to apologise. To avoid any tension between us spoiling your wedding day, it’s best that I step down from being maid of honour so that you can fully focus on having your best day.”

Opinionated and blunt and even a bit careless with words I could deal with, but this isnt that.

Her behaviour and what she said was 100% unadulterated, pure cruelty and callousness. I cannot be friends with people who are deliberately cruel to others. I wouldn't be her MOH and I would never speak to her or see her ever again. She can go fuck herself and be alone at her stupid wedding.

Consider what kind of person says something like that, the sheer coldness and nastiness of it is off the scale.

Will it cause issues with the grieving friend if you are still MOH? Or will she understand?

I think I would be tempted to have a serious calm discussion with her and if she still wont back down I would be very tempted to leave her twisting in the wind.

Excellent advice imo.