To consider pulling out of being MOH less than a fortnight before wedding?

[Rolomania]

Been best friends with the soon to be bride for well over 10 years. She’s always had a gob on her, putting her foot in it and is very opinionated. She has a lot of great qualities about her, which is why she is my best friend despite having to tell her to keep her opinions to herself sometimes.

I am her maid of honour in 12 days time… she has 2 other bridesmaids.

She has in my opinion taken it too far this time, and spread her judgemental opinions onto our other friend who is currently grieving a very close relative. To her face, other friend absolutely devastated with the lack of compassion and walked out.

I told best friend her comments were nasty and she seems not to care, said she can’t be bothered with someone dimming her shine with grief whilst she’s trying to focus on the wedding.

I just feel like pulling out of being maid of honour and telling her I’ve put up with some opinions from her for the last 10 years, but she’s taken it too far.

But because wedding is in 12 days, everything paid for, my dress, make up hair etc I just feel awful.

What would you do. I feel stuck

Your pseudo analogies are pretty distasteful.

Complaining about the timing of your friend's stepfather's death is pretty distasteful in itself, though, isn't it?

Yes. I agreed with that long ago.

I would like people to be kinder to each other. But that is not going to happen on MN. As I said some of the things that have been posted are abhorent.

You've been patronising @GrannyRose15 How does that fit in with you wanting kindness?

The surprising thing about this is how many PPs say the bride is awful compared to how many people I know in real life who would make this sort of comment, usually in private but still I know lots of people who think like this. It’s everything that’s wrong with people today, self centred wanting a perfect event without life happening

I think this says more about the kind of person you have chosen to surround yourself with, and who clearly feel sure of a sympathetic ear for their vapidity…

particularly if the bereaved friend wasn't even in the wedding party!

I could understand possibly thinking 'Oh gosh I hope they are going to be okay to come to the wedding,' if it was an actual bridesmaid who had suffered a recent bereavement (although I'd hope my focus would still be on THEM rather than how it would affect me), but not just one of many guests!

Realistically, a random friend, out of all the people there, potentially looking a bit sad, isn't really going to impact on a bride unless they deliberately focus on it. The bride will be spending her time actually getting married and then doing the rounds chatting to everyone - if it's like most weddings I've been to she might only get a few minutes all day with bereaved friend.

Of the, what, 50-100 guests at an average wedding, law of averages is going to mean at least one person is feeling hungover, several might have had a row with partner or kids, some might be ill themselves, going through a rough patch in their marriage, have family members who are very unwell....you can't insist that just because it's your weddings all your guests will magically leave their everyday lives behind, but equally so it's very unlikely most guests will relay any personal issues they are having to the bride and groom in great detail!

I'm sure bereaved friend would have put a brave face on. There's literally no reason for bride to assume she would sit around crying throughout the wedding and taking the attention away from her - unless because SHE is so egocentric this is exactly what SHE would do if she had suffered a bereavement?

Hopefully, people would ask WHY she pulled out at the last minute. Then, if the btb was honest and said it was because she was angry someone's loved one died 2 weeks before "her special day" and she made comments about that, she would see the true reactions.

Where did you get the idea that it was the BTB's dinner event. Surely, the world realizes that the bride's "day" doesn't extend to week's before and after the one-day event? It sounds like it was just friends meeting up for dinner and one friend is bereaved.
My word, thinking that two weeks before a one-day event, everything should already focus ONLY on the bride. How inconvenient that the world spins on without centering on the BTB!
facepalm

Me neither - wouldn't have occurred to me.

Fortunately we didn't have anything as devastating as a bereavement before our wedding, but one of the guests was dumped by her long-term partner just weeks before. I didn't worry about the impact on 'my wedding' but just asked friends to look out for her as it might be a bit of a bittersweet day for her - my concern was with her. She seemed very upbeat and left with the best man!

I don’t think it was a meal ‘for the bride’ though was it?? It sounds more like a general meet up??
but even if it was and the bride acted on impulse she’s had ample opportunity to apologise??? We all say silly things but surely she’s had plenty of time to think OMG that was awful of me and apologise to her two friends…. Instead she’s sending nasty messages …

So instead you’d attend and fall out after the day?
sorry but that’s horrible…. At least the bride won’t have to look back at photos of her old best friend in all her wedding photos! Knowing that she was being fake all day!
I wouldn’t want my MOH there at my wedding, if she was going to fall out with after … I’d rather have the opportunity to ask someone else.

I'd arrange to meet her & discuss everything before you make your mind up if you want to be MOH or not. Tell her you found her comments to your friend hurtful & insensitive & that you feel she owes her an apology. Let her know that you've really had enough of her inconsiderate ways & that because you've not been speaking ask her does she actually still want you to be MOH as the way things stand you're not too bothered either way. If you do decide to be her MOH after the wedding I'd let things slide a bit & let her make the effort to get in touch with you.

Bit late for that @Goodtogossip as OP has pulled out altogether

@Goodtogossip please Read The Full Thread before commenting, or at least read only the OP's replies (click on See all at the bottom of their first post to go to their 12 posts on this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5082214-to-consider-pulling-out-of-being-moh-less-than-a-fortnight-before-wedding?postsby=Rolomania )
OP pulled out of it days ago.

Yep. The bride certainly should have been kinder to her friend

She did eventually, but it had crossed the line for me. I also saw how she treated other people during the planning of her wedding and I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t worth having a friend who was happy to behave in such a way.

It wasn't the bride's dinner event, and there is nothing suggesting the friend expected her bereavement to be the main topic of conversation. So your central premise is entirely false.

Very sorry for your loss💐

Yes, she did. But in your post you thought the meal they went to was an eve of wedding thing when in fact it was just lunch with OP, the bride and the friend, nearly two weeks before the wedding, so your advice was coming from the wrong point of view.

The OP was in the middle of the bride and her bereaved friend and heard at first hand what an awful thing the bride said, and later doubling down on it, saying the friend was using the bereavement for attention. She clearly thinks she’s being upstaged, she has form for being unpleasant, I don’t think this is just Bridezilla behaviour, and I think when someone shows you who they really are you need to believe them.

This was clearly the straw that broke the camels’ back. Everyone has their breaking point and I think this would be mine too - it’s indefensible.

I'd tell her I'm annoyed that she has no compassion. Who paid for the hair etc? Ask her straight out if she is still expecting you to attend the wedding, as if you are not talking to each other it could prove to be awkward.

Ooops just realised wedding date has already been and gone

No. That’s not “having a gob on her.” That’s just being a bitch.

I’m very much someone who says things as they are so I’d have no problem telling her that either. I cannot stand when people think being straight talking is synonymous with and and excuse for being cruel. What she said was inexcusable and it sounds like people, including yourself have let her get away with such behaviour for too long.

Sod the wedding and sod her. Like a child she needs to grow up and realise actions have consequences. If people say anything then tell them what she said.

Go support your grieving friend and let her know she has someone she can lean on x

Is Bridezilla vengeful? Does she slander others? I'd think about that before you take any action.

I was direct with a so-called friend and she badmouthed me to everyone. She twisted her nasty behavior into being my fault. It is painful to go through this.

I'm not you. This is my unsolicited advice: I'd go through with the wedding and dump her right after it. She'll be busy being the wife from hell so she may not notice your absence for a few months.

Look at the cost for the wedding things as a lesson to not get involved with an immature brat in the future. The older these less than stellar people get, the worse they get.