To consider pulling out of being MOH less than a fortnight before wedding?

[Rolomania]

Been best friends with the soon to be bride for well over 10 years. She’s always had a gob on her, putting her foot in it and is very opinionated. She has a lot of great qualities about her, which is why she is my best friend despite having to tell her to keep her opinions to herself sometimes.

I am her maid of honour in 12 days time… she has 2 other bridesmaids.

She has in my opinion taken it too far this time, and spread her judgemental opinions onto our other friend who is currently grieving a very close relative. To her face, other friend absolutely devastated with the lack of compassion and walked out.

I told best friend her comments were nasty and she seems not to care, said she can’t be bothered with someone dimming her shine with grief whilst she’s trying to focus on the wedding.

I just feel like pulling out of being maid of honour and telling her I’ve put up with some opinions from her for the last 10 years, but she’s taken it too far.

But because wedding is in 12 days, everything paid for, my dress, make up hair etc I just feel awful.

What would you do. I feel stuck

Even if the first comment could be explained as a joke the following ones can't. She has doubled down that her wedding is more important than her "friends" grief.

I would walk away.

Let her explain why she has no MOH.

I was on the fence until you quoted what she actually said. What a callous bitch, I'd drop out.

I recently cut ties with a long-standing friend when it turned out our moral compasses were pointing in completely different directions. I've felt no loss.

Jesus. Some comments are unforgivable and that was one of them.

I would walk away from her. She fucked up her own wedding day by behaving like an absolute cunt.

Why on earth is she your friend?

I would suck it up for the day then cut her loose. If you let her down last minute, she will use the opportunity to twist the story and centre herself as the victim. She will grasp onto the tale of her awful no show MOH and conveniently omit any details that shine a light on her behaviour toward your friend.

I’d drop her a message and let her know you will still be attending the wedding as you wouldn’t want to shirk your responsibilities but after that, you’re done. Then it’s up to her if she wants you by her side. If she chooses to uninvite you, you can’t be villainised for letting her down.

I would suck it up for the day then cut her loose. If you let her down last minute, she will use the opportunity to twist the story and centre herself as the victim. She will grasp onto the tale of her awful no show MOH and conveniently omit any details that shine a light on her behaviour toward your friend.

I’d drop her a message and let her know you will still be attending the wedding as you wouldn’t want to shirk your responsibilities but after that, you’re done. Then it’s up to her if she wants you by her side. If she chooses to uninvite you, you can’t be villainised for letting her down.

I’m possibly a bit over sensitive about this sort of thing but I’d want nothing to do with her at this stage. I know another woman who laughingly told me about her ‘wedding disaster’ - her soon-to-be-dsc’s mother dying right before her wedding when they were 7 and 8 years old. I’d always quite liked her and thought her ascerbic manner was lighthearted and fun. This conversation made me realise that she wasn’t exaggerating to make us laugh, she was actually this horrid.

This. There's no way I could go to the wedding of someone like that and plaster a smile on my face for the day. Going would be rewarding her bad behaviour with zero consequences. There need to be consequences for this sort of disgusting behaviour, loss of friendships at a minimum.

Oh WOW, I dont like confrontation but even I would draw the line on this one OP. I really hope your friend is ok. I lost my mum last year and if bridezilla had said this to me I would have punched her in the face before walking out. Personally I wouldn't go ahead with being her MOH but understand what a tricky position you are in. Maybe wait and see if she makes contact with you?, although im sure she'll be playing the poor bride right now. After the wedding I would 1000% be done with her.

I'd go and hug the grieving friend. I wonder if I could make excuses for an overexcited bride?

I’d pull out. I couldn’t stand up for someone on their wedding day, knowing they were such a horrible person. Actions and words have consequences, maybe it would be a wake up call for her if all of her friends finally said so.

That’s not being opinionated or gobby, that’s outright selfish nastiness on an extreme level.

I’d be walking away from a friend that had shown that character. Imagine even thinking that, let alone saying it to a grieving friend.

And if she’s not happy about the proximity to her wedding then that’s entirely her fault for being so callous.

Pull out. People like her need to learn......and the person she's upset needs to learn she has support and that behaviour like that isn't OK. She doesn't sound like a good friend anyway and you aren't responsible for the consequences of her own actions.

Grow a backbone basically.

I'd stand by the grieving friend and not go

What she said was really shitty - cruel and unfeeling. The fact that she doesn't even see that when blatantly pointed out, still thinks she's in the right and won't apologise- that would confirm I don't want that type of person in my life

The friendship will never be the same again anyway - it's over

Wait for her to contact you, then arrange to drop the dress off
If she doesn't, I would tell her the day before that you won't be going

Don't waste anymore head space on this; go be with your friend who needs you

Disagree with the posts saying tell her to apologise or else you will be pulling out. Someone apologising because someone else delivered an ultimatum is no apology...

I'd pull out, explaining exactly why. That was such an awful thing to say.

To do that would be really cruel; at least as cruel as she's been the other friend.

Try and patch things up; this should be a special time but is too often spoilt by stress. You'll regret it if you don't.

She sounds horrible. Id pull out and bin the friendship. I couldn't be friends with someone as selfish and devoid of empathy as that

Nothing that you described is gobby or opinionated. It's just selfish, self centred and cruel. Her behaviour would be a deal breaker for me regardless of whether she made it up with our other friend.

At least as cruel as telling someone who's just lost a loved one that "I’m a bit gutted he died so soon to my wedding day, feel like you’re just going to be crying whilst I’m walking round the aisle! Couldn’t he have waited? Hahaha, parents die you just have to get on with it"

At least as cruel?
So potentially more cruel than believing the bereaved should suck it up and not be so sensitive and saying you don't care because the focus should be your wedding?

More cruel than that?

Some people are really blunt and have awful black humour. But you have acknowledged this about her. It was a tasteless thing to say. But honestly I think you pulling out of MOH duties would be the more egregious wrong. If you want to distance yourself after that’s your choice. Don’t give her ultimatums about apologising. That’s not helpful in my view. So just do the job and then either move on from the friendship or see what can be salvaged.

Be a true friend (to the woman whose stepdad died that is) and ditch bridezilla. Sometimes you just have to do what is right. This is now.

agreeing that's not opinionated, it's just mean, and pathologically self-involved.
Opinionated would be thinking that to herself, maybe even sharing it with you. Not saying it TO THE BEREAVED FRIEND, and then doubling (and tripling)down when challenged...

I don't think I could be MOH tbh. The point of the role is someone who respects and loves the bride, and can you really say that at the moment? Are you expected to do a speech? Will you really be able to stand there saying loads of nice things about her given this?

I think the advice about giving her the option is probably the best, but you'd have to specify a genuine apology (and a set date), otherwise she'll just send a "sorry if I hurt your feelings, appreciate you're probably feeling a bit oversensitive right now" non-apology text the morning of and think that's fine.

If you step down I think it will mean a lot to your grieving friend that someone supports her and her distress is valid.

Wow! What an absolute BITCH

I'd be telling her to find another MOH - and friend - because you're neither after this.

I would be dropping out and wouldn’t have any hesitation to tell people why

Going along with her big day could be interpreted as if you condone her behaviour which is just nasty

Why is puling out of being MoH a more egregious wrong than deliberate cruelty to someone grieving the loss of a parent? They just aren't comparable, particularly given that being MoH is definitely open to being interpreted as condoning the cruelty. If friend refuses to apologise even when she knows it means OP pulling out, then that is entirely her choice.