To consider pulling out of being MOH less than a fortnight before wedding?

[Rolomania]

Been best friends with the soon to be bride for well over 10 years. She’s always had a gob on her, putting her foot in it and is very opinionated. She has a lot of great qualities about her, which is why she is my best friend despite having to tell her to keep her opinions to herself sometimes.

I am her maid of honour in 12 days time… she has 2 other bridesmaids.

She has in my opinion taken it too far this time, and spread her judgemental opinions onto our other friend who is currently grieving a very close relative. To her face, other friend absolutely devastated with the lack of compassion and walked out.

I told best friend her comments were nasty and she seems not to care, said she can’t be bothered with someone dimming her shine with grief whilst she’s trying to focus on the wedding.

I just feel like pulling out of being maid of honour and telling her I’ve put up with some opinions from her for the last 10 years, but she’s taken it too far.

But because wedding is in 12 days, everything paid for, my dress, make up hair etc I just feel awful.

What would you do. I feel stuck

Well if she wants people to stand by her side, she needs to treat them better.

No way I would attend. Anyway if she isn't speaking to you how are you supposed to know all the last minute details?

You invite people to be your moh and bridesmaids. You don't summons them and then treat them any way you please.

If she wants to behave like a child, treat her like one. As in actions have consequences.

Chances are your bereaved friend might need a hand hold a bit more right now. That is where I would spend my energy.

Oh that's a sticky one op. I don't envy you. I'd be really disgusted by her comments as well and would feel like I need to stick up for bereaved friend but equally I think you need to decide whether or not you're permanently ending a 10yr friendship over this or if you just want to distance yourself from her. If it were me I'd wait for her to contact you about the wedding, I'd go and put on a brave face and then I'd completely distance yourself from her. I'd also be checking in with your bereaved friend in the meantime.

@Rolomania Obviously you have to do what feels right to you. If that’s pulling out as MOH, your ex-friend won’t be too stuck. She can presumably promote the 3rd BM to MOH and make her H2B downgrade his extra groomsmen and then pretend they were only ever having one each. Or maybe she will dig up somebody who might fit into your dress! If she owns your dress, get someone to drop it off at her mum’s house or something. Then consider yourself well off out of it!

my only question is why you didn't pull out years ago. I mean what good qualities kept you there listening to such crap?

Honestly? I would pull out and support my grieving friend.

Cow.

She's caused the issue. She can suck up the disruption

You know what they say about believing people when they show you what they are? Well she has. I don't know if upset/grieving friend was also one of her bridemaids, but she'd be looking for a new MOH if I were you.

There is no excuse for such selfish, cruel behaviour.

Did you read why?

This - send her something like this.

Your ‘friend’ is a heartless, nasty piece of work. How long before she trots out something similar to you too? Tbh she doesn’t sound like she’s firing on all cylinders with such a shocking lack of emotional intelligence. No way would I be attending her wedding and I’d be focussing on supporting your bereaved friend.

Confused. Is bereaved friend also a bridesmaid?

Oops. Misread. Must clean glasses

Pull out. Hope other bridesmaid does too.

Wonder how she's explaining this to the groom

I think you need to think about whether you think the friendship can survive going forward. There are 12 days still, enough time to see if your bridezilla friend realises she is wrong and tries to be an adult and apologise to your mutual friend or not. I think if she makes zero effort to make amends, then it will help you decide. If you think the friendship would survive then you might want to go to the wedding. If you don’t think it can as it’s the last straw, then don’t go. I wouldn’t feel bad about it, people need to learn that if you behave terribly then there will be bad consequence's

I don't think the bereaved friend is a bridesmaid. Nothing in the OP's posts suggest that she is, and in the original post she mentions two bridesmaids and then refers to the bereaved friend as "our other friend."

I couldn’t picture myself standing up with such a person, no matter what the occasion, if I was in your shoes. I’d send her a text saying that you just cannot ignore what she said to her other BM and for that reason, you’re out.

Wow. She's despicable.

I’d begrudgingly go if grieving friend gets a proper apology and goes. I’d likely bin her off afterwards though. Are you good friends with the other BMs? What had no3 said?

Also, who’s paid for the dresses and hair/make up etc?

I think a PP's advice about giving her an ultimatum to apologise or you'll stand down from being MOH is the right way to go.

A lot of people deal with death with black humour. I'd have appreciated the levity and it would have momentarily made me laugh and been a welcome distraction from the grief. However, it's a case of 'know your audience'. Even allowing for this to be a misread of the best way to handle the situation, it's a bit alarming that your friend knows her other friend apparently so little. The fact that she didn't immediately apologise and has since doubled-down is also concerning. Even if deep down she feels bad but has painted herself into a corner that she feels she can't apologise for fear of losing face, that in itself demonstrates an alarming lack of maturity. If she genuinely doesn't actually feel bad at all, I'd be surprised, but if I knew that was the case I would not want to be friends with someone so spectacularly lacking in empathy.

She's certainly not the first bride to get so wrapped up in her special day that she loses all sense of perspective. Ironically, IME it is these weddings, where everything has to be perfect to the extent where the bride or groom goes a bit crazy, that are most likely to end in divorce. It's indicative of a complete lack of emotional intelligence which doesn't bode well for the marriage or for long-term friendships.

Nudging her to make an apology could be the kindest thing anyone has ever done for her if it works as it will force some self reflection. However, it's just as likely she will reject it and paint you as the bad one that let her down. If it were me though I can forgive a mistake that's accompanied by a genuine apology and a desire to do better, but would cut off someone who doesn't care about the fact she's upset a grieving friend. So what have you got to lose?

Sometimes people can be fun, a laugh but are just not that nice. Some hide it better than others, but when it comes to potentially casting shade on something of theirs, the mask slips and they reveal who they truly are.

It's really about whether you wish to continue the friendship, knowing that her priorities are not in line with your own.
This kind of person will only have your back when it is advantageous to them, or at the very least, neutral, but if you ever need help when inconvenient they won't be there for you.

I couldn't be a maid to someone so cold hearted and callous. I couldn't honour her in anyway either.

"Bride, I cannot get past how self centred, cold and callous you were to friend and I just can't stand there on your wedding day behind you after you've been so cruel. Best of luck - to Groom especially. @Rolomania"

I agree with PP that it could have been an attempt at dark humour. But she misjudged it, and anyone with an ounce of insight would have realised that immediately and set about apologising and putting it straight. It seems that not only did she not do that, she then said the similar again later to OP - showing no concern for the bereaved friend at all.

OP: I think you need to get this sorted out one way or another this weekend; having it hanging over you ain't good, and if she needs to re-plan then it's better now than 11th hour.

As she's not speaking, then I think it is up to you to initiate contact. I wouldn't put the ball in her court, unless you are genuinely undecided and happy with whatever she comes up with. Instead, I think you should decide what you want and then message accordingly.

My ex partner was due to be best man at a friends wedding and there was an almost identical situation- literally weeks before the wedding. He ended up pulling out of being best man and had no regrets whatsoever. They never spoke again after that.

I think in your position I would feel unable to be MOH (or even attend the wedding) unless the bride apologised to the bereaved friend for her horrendous insensitivity. I'm not sure about expressing it as a prerequisite, or only going if it happens spontaneously.

I think as the dust settles (on whatever happens) I would also be looking back on those years of 'opinionated' friendship. How many episodes were simply outspokenness and how many were unkindness and self-centredness? And was there a reason I tolerated things I shouldn't have?

OP, re the brides being not speaking to you, imo she thinks punishing you by ignoring you will result in you pleading to be allowed back into the fold and thereby renewing your loyalty to her.
In other words she is the empress and no one is allowed to disobey her.

Yes, what she doesnt realise is- it's a blessing for the OP!! now she can get shot of her

That is NOT being opinionated! That's being a horrible nasty person!!!

If she's been a good friend I'd arrange to meet for coffee or something and talk to her about the incident. If she seems genuinely remorseful I'd probably give her another chance. If she still doesn't give a shit I'd tell her I'm not being MOH and have nothing more to do with her.

I wouldn't ask her to apologise to your friend. Too easy to give a hollow apology. Her attitude towards what she's done is more important.