To consider pulling out of being MOH less than a fortnight before wedding?

[Rolomania]

Been best friends with the soon to be bride for well over 10 years. She’s always had a gob on her, putting her foot in it and is very opinionated. She has a lot of great qualities about her, which is why she is my best friend despite having to tell her to keep her opinions to herself sometimes.

I am her maid of honour in 12 days time… she has 2 other bridesmaids.

She has in my opinion taken it too far this time, and spread her judgemental opinions onto our other friend who is currently grieving a very close relative. To her face, other friend absolutely devastated with the lack of compassion and walked out.

I told best friend her comments were nasty and she seems not to care, said she can’t be bothered with someone dimming her shine with grief whilst she’s trying to focus on the wedding.

I just feel like pulling out of being maid of honour and telling her I’ve put up with some opinions from her for the last 10 years, but she’s taken it too far.

But because wedding is in 12 days, everything paid for, my dress, make up hair etc I just feel awful.

What would you do. I feel stuck

@browneyes77 Please let me know which part of my response indicates poor reading comprehension (rather than a simple difference of opinion in how the situation could have been handled). See if you can have a go at forming a coherent and non-emotive response.

But when not in the heat of the moment she has said twice more unkind things. @Rolomania has dine the right thing. Especially as the bride hasn't made any signs that she has had an epiphany and realised how out of order she has been.

The part where you haven’t digested the OP’s posts on how this so called friend has been behaving.

The OP isn’t stooping low. The friend is receiving the consequences of her actions.

Or do you think that OP should be two faced and suck up the awful behaviour that she’s been so upset by, just so she doesn’t upset nasty friend?

Is that coherent enough for you? Or would you like to offer some further passive aggressive insight?

Wow, she sounds horrendous, I don't know how you can even be associated with her, at all. In light of the fact that the dress etc are already paid for, I would just turn up and have as little contact with her as possible. I'd refuse to make any speeches or anything else like that too. Once the actual wedding itself is over I'd go straight home, foregoing the reception! After that I'd have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with her vileness. In the meantime before the wedding, give your other friend all the support she deserves 😢😢❤️❤️

But still under stress and feeling threatened enough that she feels she has to defend her stance. This is a spat that has got out of hand. Neither the bride nor the OP have behaved particularly well. It needs a parent to intervene and calm things down.

you are so completely wrong @GrannyRose15

@GrannyRose15 Did you miss the point that the bereaved friend was OP's best friend (and MOH at her wedding)? Or the point OP stated that the bride-to-be has very clear form for her insensitivity (but had just discovered a new low)? Really struggling to see how OP has behaved poorly. The "It needs a parent to intervene and calm things down." comment is just patronising crap.

@browneyes77 It's hardly passive aggressive to ask you to explain yourself coherently when you're giving out of context insults.

Anyway it seems to me like the OP has ended a longterm close friendship and potentially ruined the bride's wedding day by pulling out so soon before the wedding, after merrily putting up with the bride's behaviour for years without doing anything about it. That's a very harsh punishment that she's giving someone that's been important to her up until now. It wouldn't have been 2 faced at all to express to the bride that she's been hurtful without actually pulling out of the wedding last minute. I suspect it could have been handled differently - either the bride's comments are totally in character in which case it's a bit harsh to act like her best friend, agree to be MOH then suddenly back out 2 weeks before the wedding, or this is an unpleasant but unusual fight, in which case her friendship-ending solution is drastic. The OP has hardly covered herself in glory here.

At this point it is too late anyway, but I'm not seeing this outcome, where nobody is happy, as the big success other posters seem to think it is. Then again, it's much easier to sit behind a screen advocating for lost friendships and ruined weddings when it doesn't affect you directly.

It seems to me, that the bride ruined her own friendship and wedding day, by being a nasty piece of work.

OP expressed to the bride that her comments were hurtful. She didn’t care and doubled down and made more.

OP saw her in a different light and decided she couldn’t support someone that went this far.

All brides own fault.

Actions have consequences.

I’m glad you got my point.

This is such a silly response. They are all adult women. No-one has their back against a wall, everyone had time to walk away and reflect and one person has consistently behaved poorly. It doesn't need "a parent", it needs a healthy boundary which OP has now done.

Nope... I really didn't

Some posters are so dramatic…the wedding isn’t ruined, there are 2 other bridesmaids!!

There's time yet for that to change! 😂

The bride is no longer speaking to the poster anyway, since she dared call her out over the callous treatment of the bereaved mutual friend.

So it would be a very difficult day regardless for all parties and most people in a similar position would at this stage also seriously consider pulling out.

Some people are just like this… and it doesn’t stop!

I used to have a friend who was annoyed that her sister was pregnant in the lead up to her wedding, said it would take the attention off her wedding because everyone would be asking her sister when she was due etc…..

Then when she was pregnant with her first child she was pissed that anyone and everyone else was pregnant at the same time as her because the attention wasn’t all on her again….

Like your friend, she was a real laugh to be with and most of the time we had the best laughs (about genuine things / not nasty!) BUT god forbid anyone get engaged, get pregnant or get married while she was planning her wedding or while she was pregnant etc…. She loves attention and I eventually saw that…. Despite my own fertility issues she would plaster all over Facebook stuff like ‘oh should I have a 4th baby?!?!’ Then lap up everyone’s comments… (she didn’t want a forth !!)…. She’d constantly post how wonderful her life was, new cars, holidays etc…. It was odd because she was ALWAYS so happy with her own successes yet so bitterly jealous if anyone else at all around her was even anywhere close to as happy as her!

its like they are the only person in the world that matters.

I find your friends attitude and comments towards about the bereaved friend utterly shitty and no I wouldn’t be able to be her friend anymore and certainly wouldn’t be at her wedding, she’d be blocked on all media and after her wedding I’d be sure to tell mutual friends the reason why. So they don’t just hear her biased side!

I doubt that anyone on here would be happy, on the eve of their own wedding, to be expected to help someone who was recently bereaved and grieving. You would probably say that right thing (I know I would), but it would be incredibly difficult to switch from your own incredible happiness to genuine sympathy for someone who was grieving. It's a really tricky state of affairs. Most of us would be a lot more polite and caring about it, but I bet a lot of people would secretly feel deflated that the death occurred near their wedding - even for a split second. The bride's mistake was voicing what was in her head.

I did exactly this. My mum with Alzheimer’s had been in an accident (broken bones, head injury) and the bride to be called me to say that if I couldn’t give her 100% guarantee that unless my mum died (and didn’t just have another ‘one of her turns’), she and her wedding would be my priority, she would demote me! I popped the bridesmaid dress back in the post to her and that was that.

Ever heard the phrase the straw that broke the camels back?!

You probably find a lot of her stuff has been on the line but could have been forgiven if as the OP says 95% of the time she's not like it.

The OP is not in the wrong here a bride who comes out with such vile comments then tries to blame another person for a card is. Most people (non bridezillas) can see that very very clearly.

It's not the eve of her wedding though is it BustyLee? It's two weeks before. The bride also wasn't asked to "help" either, they were out to lunch when she made the comments.

I'm happy to confidently say I don't have a single friend incapable of managing to be simultaneously excited for their own exciting life events whilst being sympathetic and compassionate to another's loss. Her response is just not normal, and certainly not justified.

" The bride's mistake was voicing what was in her head."

Well, yes, but it's quite a big mistake, isn't it? 'I can't believe your your stepdad couldn't have waited until after my wedding to die' (followed by laughter) isn't exactly in the same ball park of insensitivity as 'I don't think that top suits you.'

If she was that annoyed about it and didn't think she could possibly manage to control her own feelings for an hour she could have just not attended the lunch. Nobody was suggesting she needed to 'help' the friend as such, just not actively upset and insult her.

And tbf I would say she also made several further mistakes in repeatedly doubling down that what she said was completely fine, rather than 'Well it's how I feel but I recognise that I was insensitive to say it.'

Also as a pp said, it's not the eve of her wedding, it's several weeks away.

I think op said the wedding was 12 days away. 11 now?

Unbelievable how awful some people are. I'm so sorry your so-called 'friend' behaved so badly. Did she ever apologise?

MN is quite a depressing insight into how some people really think. If a friend of mine suffered a bereavement weeks before my wedding, it wouldn't even enter my head to think "Oh God, why did it have to happen now? It's taken the shine off my wedding." Not even as a fleeting thought. I genuinely didn't realise pre-Internet that people actually think like this.

wow and i thought it coudlnt get worse nasty piece of work