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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider pulling out of being MOH less than a fortnight before wedding?

523 replies

Rolomania · 25/05/2024 09:20

Been best friends with the soon to be bride for well over 10 years. She’s always had a gob on her, putting her foot in it and is very opinionated. She has a lot of great qualities about her, which is why she is my best friend despite having to tell her to keep her opinions to herself sometimes.

I am her maid of honour in 12 days time… she has 2 other bridesmaids.

She has in my opinion taken it too far this time, and spread her judgemental opinions onto our other friend who is currently grieving a very close relative. To her face, other friend absolutely devastated with the lack of compassion and walked out.

I told best friend her comments were nasty and she seems not to care, said she can’t be bothered with someone dimming her shine with grief whilst she’s trying to focus on the wedding.

I just feel like pulling out of being maid of honour and telling her I’ve put up with some opinions from her for the last 10 years, but she’s taken it too far.

But because wedding is in 12 days, everything paid for, my dress, make up hair etc I just feel awful.

What would you do. I feel stuck

OP posts:
BustyLee · 27/05/2024 12:15

"completely and utterly disagree with you, and the rest of your comments on this thread as well."

I don't see a problem with that at all. We all have different opinions.

myrtleWilson · 27/05/2024 12:28

BustyLee · 26/05/2024 20:53

I doubt that anyone on here would be happy, on the eve of their own wedding, to be expected to help someone who was recently bereaved and grieving. You would probably say that right thing (I know I would), but it would be incredibly difficult to switch from your own incredible happiness to genuine sympathy for someone who was grieving. It's a really tricky state of affairs. Most of us would be a lot more polite and caring about it, but I bet a lot of people would secretly feel deflated that the death occurred near their wedding - even for a split second. The bride's mistake was voicing what was in her head.

Bloody hell - I know i'm a few pages back so no doubt and repeating other posters but... what an insight into your personality this is. Am gobsmacked but fair do's for the honesty - am sure your friends and loved ones will be delighted.

Longma · 27/05/2024 12:41

Yes, I thought the same. These people should not have been having a small intimate dinner so close to the wedding/ so close to the bereavement.

But presumably they are all adults.

The only one in the wrong here is the bride and her comments/reaction.

Longma · 27/05/2024 12:44

muggart · 25/05/2024 23:31

I am clearly in the minority here but I think it was too late to pull out of MOH. You have also stooped low here to ruin her wedding day for her.

Out of curiosity, has the bride lost a parent or sibling?

No. The bride is now just facing the consequences of her own behaviour, which she has reiterated in more than one occasion now.

The only person who has 'ruined' the wedding is the bride. She brought it on herself. No one else caused this to happen.

You behave in a thoroughly unpleasant manner - well, there is likely to be consequences as a result of your behaviour.

Longma · 27/05/2024 12:52

BustyLee · 26/05/2024 20:53

I doubt that anyone on here would be happy, on the eve of their own wedding, to be expected to help someone who was recently bereaved and grieving. You would probably say that right thing (I know I would), but it would be incredibly difficult to switch from your own incredible happiness to genuine sympathy for someone who was grieving. It's a really tricky state of affairs. Most of us would be a lot more polite and caring about it, but I bet a lot of people would secretly feel deflated that the death occurred near their wedding - even for a split second. The bride's mistake was voicing what was in her head.

No, the bride's mistake was actually thinking it was selfish of her friend's stepdad to die, full stop!

Most people really don't think that way, surely!

My friend had to deal with her groom's brother dying just 2 or 3 weeks before their wedding. Whilst it wasn't pleasant for anyone she dealt with it like most adults would - with compassion!

Longma · 27/05/2024 12:55

The thing that unnerves me a bit about this thread is that the op has been friends, presumably very close, with this person for several years and must have heard her say and do outrageous things in that time, but has only decided to reprimand her just over a week before her wedding. I don't get it.

There is almost always a final straw for people. The one thing that makes you think, enough is enough,

The other stuff might have been more easily excused.

This one though is beyond just being a bit difficult, a bit OTT or making the odd remark.

This is against someone very close to the op, and not just ince in the heat of the moment. She has doubled down on her comments, not made any apology attempts and actually gone in to,justify her comments more and more - twice so far, and after she's had time to think.

So yes, it's probably the final straw for the op.

Nanny0gg · 27/05/2024 12:58

Rolomania · 27/05/2024 10:48

Bride has always said stupid things here and there, but nothing unforgivable. Stuff that make you think why on earth would you say that and what went through your brain? We have fallen out before but this is just too much for me.

For those who think I was unreasonable to pull out, thank you for giving your opinion that’s what I expected with posting on AIBU and what I wanted.

However I definitely did make the right decision, and have had some pretty nasty messages from bride since. I am not going to reply anymore on this thread but thank you all for your support x

Block her

BustyLee · 27/05/2024 13:02

myrtleWilson · 27/05/2024 12:28

Bloody hell - I know i'm a few pages back so no doubt and repeating other posters but... what an insight into your personality this is. Am gobsmacked but fair do's for the honesty - am sure your friends and loved ones will be delighted.

Show quote history

If you experienced a bereavement would you go to the bride to be's dinner event and expect that to be a main topic of conversation? I really wouldn't. I just couldn't.

Don't get me wrong: I don't think the friend was right to say the things she said I really don't, but I don't think this is as straightforward as everyone is saying. It makes us all feel good to castigate the friend because it makes us feel like we're really good people and she alone is awful, but it would have to cross someone's mind, even for a second, that it could affect their wedding. Have you never had a moment of panic, despite your own best values? Most of us wouldn't say though - for good reason.

And many people here are holding up their own experiences of bereavement in comparison, but I would argue that it is very different if the person who died was close to you in some way.So actually, if it was a dear friend or loved one I probably wouldn't even be able to focus on a wedding.

You actually don't have an insight into my personality from a quick post on the internet, but it is very easy to be mean and to jump on the self righteous bandwagon in the safety of others in a pile-on, isn't it?

Funnywonder · 27/05/2024 13:10

Agree with @Longma. There's a final straw. You don't plan it. It just happens. You certainly don't 'wait' to react until it's convenient for the other person.

GrannyRose15 · 27/05/2024 13:16

I wish the bride would start a thread “My MOH has pulled out at the last minute” What a revelation the comments on there would be.

RampantIvy · 27/05/2024 13:33

but it would have to cross someone's mind, even for a second, that it could affect their wedding.

No, not at all.

The bereaved person wasn't part of the bridal party so I can't see how it would have affected the wedding at all.

GCAcademic · 27/05/2024 13:33

GrannyRose15 · 27/05/2024 13:16

I wish the bride would start a thread “My MOH has pulled out at the last minute” What a revelation the comments on there would be.

Well, yes, no doubt you would see the responses you want if she were only to post that, missing out the bit where she has been publicly throwing her toys out of the pram because a close friend’s parent had had the temerity to die before her special princess day.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/05/2024 13:37

It's absolutely amazing how many people on this thread would gloss over the bride's absolutely deplorable behaviour and still act as MOH like some brainless puppet. It's no wonder there are so many self-absorbed, shit people walking among us, it's because no one in their lives have ever held them accountable for the horrible things they do and say. So many people "afraid of confrontation" who let people like this continue to be arseholes. Horrible behaviour should have consequences.

Well done, op. You 100% did the right thing.

myrtleWilson · 27/05/2024 13:39

@BustyLee Can you please point to the posts where the OP
a) described the dinner event as the "bride's" as opposed to a dinner of three friends
and
b) where the OP states that the bereaved friend expected her bereavement to be the main focus of the conversation as opposed to sharing her devastation about a close bereavement and her concern for her mother at a dinner with friends

You've created a scenario that is not supported by the OPs posts. From the OP's post there is no evidence of any material impact on the bride to be's day - the bereaved friend had no key role on the day and yet the bride to be not only had no concern for this friend but absolutely demonstrated this lack of concern.

I doubted many people are so self centred that in that moment they were unable to express genuine concern and sympathy for someone's loss in case it dimmed the shime on them but clearly, as I've learnt, some people do fall into that category

rainbowunicorn · 27/05/2024 13:48

BustyLee · 27/05/2024 13:02

If you experienced a bereavement would you go to the bride to be's dinner event and expect that to be a main topic of conversation? I really wouldn't. I just couldn't.

Don't get me wrong: I don't think the friend was right to say the things she said I really don't, but I don't think this is as straightforward as everyone is saying. It makes us all feel good to castigate the friend because it makes us feel like we're really good people and she alone is awful, but it would have to cross someone's mind, even for a second, that it could affect their wedding. Have you never had a moment of panic, despite your own best values? Most of us wouldn't say though - for good reason.

And many people here are holding up their own experiences of bereavement in comparison, but I would argue that it is very different if the person who died was close to you in some way.So actually, if it was a dear friend or loved one I probably wouldn't even be able to focus on a wedding.

You actually don't have an insight into my personality from a quick post on the internet, but it is very easy to be mean and to jump on the self righteous bandwagon in the safety of others in a pile-on, isn't it?

Show quote history

OP did not say that it was the brides dinner event. It was literally the three of them out for dinner. Nothing to do with the wedding. The facts are the bride to be acted in a deplorable way. She then doubled down and refused to even consider she may be wrong.

BustyLee · 27/05/2024 13:59

Op's question was what would you do?

Of course I don't know what I would do because reality is always different to speculation on a forum, but I hope I would not act on the advice of strangers on the internet and pull out of moh role when dress, makeup etc had been paid for, adding to the emotional turmoil and disruption. I don't think I could do that to a friend of 10 years for whom I had enough fondness to agree to be moh. I would comfort the bereaved friend and If I had to I would end the friendship with the bride after the wedding.

I don't tend to have friends who I think are bullies and certainly would not agree to be their moh. I know people are saying that op's actions are indicative of a last straw, but I find it difficult to understand how it takes 10 years to get the measure of a friend. I admit that is outside my own experience.

jazzybelle · 27/05/2024 14:31

There comes a point at which a line is crossed and you just cannot put up with any more. It's unfortunate it has happened for this poster when her friend is getting married but occasionally you just have to do something. This is a no-win situation for everyone.

Razorwire · 27/05/2024 14:35

At some point this bride will have a Karma moment. She will suffer a bereavement

Jack80 · 27/05/2024 15:18

You have two options: suck it up so she has a respectable friend on the day and enjoy the day. Or pull out and expect abuse for pulling out and lose a friend which she seems like bridezilla. The question is, is she a nice friend normally? Is she stressed and being a bitch because of the wedding.

Trapunt0 · 27/05/2024 16:22

BirthdayRainbow · 27/05/2024 12:14

@Trapunt0 so sorry for your loss💐

Show quote history

Thank you x

mydogisthebest · 27/05/2024 16:45

muggart · 26/05/2024 19:11

@browneyes77 It's hardly passive aggressive to ask you to explain yourself coherently when you're giving out of context insults.

Anyway it seems to me like the OP has ended a longterm close friendship and potentially ruined the bride's wedding day by pulling out so soon before the wedding, after merrily putting up with the bride's behaviour for years without doing anything about it. That's a very harsh punishment that she's giving someone that's been important to her up until now. It wouldn't have been 2 faced at all to express to the bride that she's been hurtful without actually pulling out of the wedding last minute. I suspect it could have been handled differently - either the bride's comments are totally in character in which case it's a bit harsh to act like her best friend, agree to be MOH then suddenly back out 2 weeks before the wedding, or this is an unpleasant but unusual fight, in which case her friendship-ending solution is drastic. The OP has hardly covered herself in glory here.

At this point it is too late anyway, but I'm not seeing this outcome, where nobody is happy, as the big success other posters seem to think it is. Then again, it's much easier to sit behind a screen advocating for lost friendships and ruined weddings when it doesn't affect you directly.

Hardly "ruining the bride's wedding day". A MOH is not essential to a wedding. A bride and groom are.

GrannyRose15 · 27/05/2024 17:58

GCAcademic · 27/05/2024 13:33

Well, yes, no doubt you would see the responses you want if she were only to post that, missing out the bit where she has been publicly throwing her toys out of the pram because a close friend’s parent had had the temerity to die before her special princess day.

Show quote history

Whatever do you mean “ The responses I want”? What I’d like is a balanced view which takes into account all sides of the argument. You were not there. You only know what the OP is telling you. There are two sides to every story. I would like to hear the other side. No chance of that on MN. It’s all guns blazing against someone who cannot fight back. Some of the comments on here are abhorrent. Nobody should be castigated in such a way. These are so called friends falling out. Presumably they liked each other once.

ZoeCM · 27/05/2024 19:43

GrannyRose15 · 27/05/2024 11:40

Anyone who says it would never occur to them to think that a sad event might ruin their wedding is being disingenuous. Of course it would occur to them. What they did or said about it though is quite another matter.

I'm not being disingenuous, I genuinely wouldn't think "what if this impacts my wedding?" if a friend lost a family member! Why are you so determined to believe other people are that self-absorbed?

YoghurtPotWashingMachine · 27/05/2024 19:51

GrannyRose15 · 27/05/2024 17:58

Whatever do you mean “ The responses I want”? What I’d like is a balanced view which takes into account all sides of the argument. You were not there. You only know what the OP is telling you. There are two sides to every story. I would like to hear the other side. No chance of that on MN. It’s all guns blazing against someone who cannot fight back. Some of the comments on here are abhorrent. Nobody should be castigated in such a way. These are so called friends falling out. Presumably they liked each other once.

Show quote history

You're not going to hear the other side of the story so what do you want? For people to make it up? People can only respond to the information they have.

ZoeCM · 27/05/2024 19:59

Genuine question for the people saying the OP shouldn't have pulled out of the wedding or "taken sides" - where do you draw the line? If a bridesmaid had been raped a few weeks before the wedding, would you have expected the OP not to take sides if the bride had jokingly said "I'm gutted you were raped before my wedding, you're going to look traumatised in the wedding photos, couldn't you have asked your rapist to come back and rape you after the wedding instead?" Or if a bridesmaid's young children had been killed in a car crash shortly before the wedding, would you say the OP shouldn't take sides if the bride said "You're trying to outdo my wedding by going on about your dead kids, it's not fair that everyone's consoling you instead of chatting to me about seat coverings"?

And before anyone says "But those are completely different issues, they're not even in the same league as the death of a step-parent" - yes, that's true. Just like the death of a step-parent isn't in the same league as planning a wedding. The idea that if one friend is getting married and the other is bereaved, the bereaved one should be making allowances for the bride-to-be, is bonkers.