To consider pulling out of being MOH less than a fortnight before wedding?

[Rolomania]

Been best friends with the soon to be bride for well over 10 years. She’s always had a gob on her, putting her foot in it and is very opinionated. She has a lot of great qualities about her, which is why she is my best friend despite having to tell her to keep her opinions to herself sometimes.

I am her maid of honour in 12 days time… she has 2 other bridesmaids.

She has in my opinion taken it too far this time, and spread her judgemental opinions onto our other friend who is currently grieving a very close relative. To her face, other friend absolutely devastated with the lack of compassion and walked out.

I told best friend her comments were nasty and she seems not to care, said she can’t be bothered with someone dimming her shine with grief whilst she’s trying to focus on the wedding.

I just feel like pulling out of being maid of honour and telling her I’ve put up with some opinions from her for the last 10 years, but she’s taken it too far.

But because wedding is in 12 days, everything paid for, my dress, make up hair etc I just feel awful.

What would you do. I feel stuck

Life is too short to have people like that around us. Get rid and walk away and seek out nicer people.

Well done, it sounds like you did the right thing even though it was hard ❤️

This sums it up perfectly

Tell me you’ve not read the updates without telling me you’ve not read the updates

You’re wrong. Involving mummy and daddy is not the solution. Bridezilla doubled down on her awful stance and she reaps what she sows.

The thing that unnerves me a bit about this thread is that the op has been friends, presumably very close, with this person for several years and must have heard her say and do outrageous things in that time, but has only decided to reprimand her just over a week before her wedding. I don't get it.

If I was the bereaved friend I would encourage OP to fulfil her MOH role. We are all lying if we say we haven't had people say outrageous things to us when we have experienced bereavement, and that we may even have done it ourselves. When I miscarried I had all sorts of responses when I told people. Some of them of them blurted hurtful nonsense in the moment. My closest friend said something awful and I decided that she probably didn't know what to say. I chose to let it go, but it turned out later that she had experienced the same.

I acknowledge however that I am probably not the best person to advise on this. For very many reasons.

I think you have something here. I also think the bride seems to be continuing to dig herself into a hole when perhaps she should take a breath and listen to what she is being told but the OP is behaving unreasonably too. She is throwing away 10 years of friendship because of the brides spat with a third party. A true friend wouldn’t be taking sides but trying to reconcile the two who have fallen out. This is her friend’s wedding we are talking about. One of the most important days of her life. What friend ruins that by saying she won’t be MOH at the last minute. I know these dramas happen but it is very sad.

You handled it well OP and gave her every chance to redeem herself and she didn’t, instead she turned on you next.

She seems extremely narcissistic, her wedding has only highlighted the extent of it. You are well out of this friendship.

So sorry for your losses @Ihopeithinkiknow It’s terrible isn’t it. 2 years ago is no time at all, so please be kind to yourself.
I lost my beloved gran last year, who I nursed with my mum at home until the end (which was not a nice end). The family didn’t send a message on mother’s day, the anniversary, just getting on with life and leaving us to it. We are understandably battered. I have had more support from my work mates, my friends and my church than anyone in the family and while I am grateful for this it makes me sad and angry.

Agree with you. Side with the grieving friend.

I think you made the right choice op.
People can't drop emotional bombs and expect there to be zero consequences just because they're getting married.
The grieving person is a close friend and hearing that her deep and genuine distress was an inconvenience of timing because the bride has a vision of a perfect wedding is invisible selfish and cruel.
You gave the bride a chance to retract her treatment and make amends and she declined, you've refused to tacitly condone that.
Well done.

I’m surprised by this. I wouldn’t have thought people would be that self-centred that they would be secretly deflated that a death had occurred the week before their wedding ( unless it was the death of someone very close to them and they were distressed themselves).

It's not the eve of her wedding and no I don't think most people are so shallow that they think what is essentially a big party is more important than someone close to them losing a loved one.
I think most decent people would be happy to offer support a friend.

The thing that unnerves me a bit about this thread is that the op has been friends, presumably very close, with this person for several years and must have heard her say and do outrageous things in that time, but has only decided to reprimand her just over a week before her wedding.

Agree with you here BustyLee. I can't figure if it's just an all time low, or maybe the first time OP has had to examine these comments because they were made to a mutual friend.

I wasn’t talking about Mummy and Daddy.

She said its an all time low so I'm thinking final straw

It's not just a "big party" if you believe in marriage.

I don't think you quite get what I'm trying to say, but I don't expect people to. This is Mumsnet where everything is straightforwardly black and white. Where there is a very clear right and wrong and you do the thing that all the mumsnetters want you to do so that you look good in a forum full of strangers who really know nothing about your or your friends.

Weird to accept the role of moh though when you have had a build up over years of what you consider unacceptable behaviour. Remember, this is so serious an issue for op that she is willing to give up her role in the wedding at the last minute.

Well to be fair, the bit that most brides stress about and become bridzillas about is the big party part if it. The actual marriage part is the easy bit.
I still think that most people are not so self centered that they couldn't spare a bit of compassion and understanding for a friend who was grieving.

Human beings are quite self centred when you think about it - we can't help it. I'm not talking about narcissism here. The only time we're not self centred is when we're posting on mumsnet and making out that we and our friends always behave perfectly and that our every thought is pure.

You did the right thing. You are better off with her out of your life. I have an ex friend like this who tells you what you "need" to hear instead of what you "want" to hear. Except it's what she feels you need to hear.

I tolerated it for a few years because like your friend, nothing was particularly unforgivable. The final straw was when my GFIL was very near the end of his life. I told her I felt sad my husband wouldn't see him again, because MIL had requested no more visits from anyone to protect his dignity(that's what he would have wanted).

Ex friend told me to tell my husband that he was a despicable human being for not fighting this decision so he could spend one more day with his grandad. She told me it was an indicator of what type of man he really was. She doubled down when I called her out about how vile she was. So I cut her off because I can't be friends with someone like that.

Also side note: If you'd have gone to the wedding and then distanced yourself, ex friend would have just pulled you and your dress and any perceived flaws to pieces to anyone who would have listened post wedding. You've dodged a bullet.

I agree. MN can be an eye opener!

She doesn't sound like a nice friend. I wouldn't want a friend with a big gob.
So your not talking now. Why bother going to the wedding. Being MOH is an important role which will require both of you to talk to each other at some point throughout the day. There'll be tension and I personally wouldn't want to go through the day, the service, photos, sitting at the top table etc with a false smile plastered on my face. I'd cut ties here and now. Sod the cost of dress, make up, hair etc. Don't be worrying about that. It will be a shit day anyway. Let her get on with it and walk away. She's not worth it and doesn't deserve your support after being so spiteful and gobbing off to your other friend who's grieving.

I agree!
Didn't realise a lot of these thoughts existed, and certainly don't share them, a shocking eye opener... though to be honest I don't find it depressing because I think they've always existed and I have on occasion found it useful (having the insight) to make sense of something in real life that otherwise would have had me baffled.

Anyone fancy laying bets on how long the marriage between this charming lady and her groom will last?
And if kids come into the picture I can imagine it won't be the first Mumsnet thread she <ahem> inspires. 🤣🤣