To consider pulling out of being MOH less than a fortnight before wedding?

[Rolomania]

Been best friends with the soon to be bride for well over 10 years. She’s always had a gob on her, putting her foot in it and is very opinionated. She has a lot of great qualities about her, which is why she is my best friend despite having to tell her to keep her opinions to herself sometimes.

I am her maid of honour in 12 days time… she has 2 other bridesmaids.

She has in my opinion taken it too far this time, and spread her judgemental opinions onto our other friend who is currently grieving a very close relative. To her face, other friend absolutely devastated with the lack of compassion and walked out.

I told best friend her comments were nasty and she seems not to care, said she can’t be bothered with someone dimming her shine with grief whilst she’s trying to focus on the wedding.

I just feel like pulling out of being maid of honour and telling her I’ve put up with some opinions from her for the last 10 years, but she’s taken it too far.

But because wedding is in 12 days, everything paid for, my dress, make up hair etc I just feel awful.

What would you do. I feel stuck

Indeed Well said

The other thing that interests me is how does the friend treat op? Has she been nasty to op? Has she been nasty over the years? What was the deal breaker?

Apart from anything op, it's for the best you pull out because the friendship is no longer tenable now you have lost (rightly) every shred of respect you've ever had for her.

She might not realise it is good you won't be there now, but if you forced yourself through that day, you'd be in all the photos for posterity... and then the friendship would be shelved in short order, and her wedding photos would be a permanent reminder.

This way she's just needs to accept what has happened and enjoy her day, then when she wants to look back fondly with the photos she will be able to do so without that glaring reminder in the pictures.

When people only read the OP of a long thread, it gets less like ‘Cancel the cheque!’ and more like those Japanese soldiers emerging from the jungle years after WW2 under the impression fighting was still going on…

Fuck that shit.
Just walk.
My husband died on Saturday morning, if someone suggested to my kids or their friends how inconvenient that might be they'd have scores of people turn on them right now.
Spend the day with your bereaved friend.

GatherlyGal · 25/05/2024 09:23
I'd probably suck it up and get through the wedding then pull away from her after. I'm not big on confrontation though so maybe that's just me.

is it worth the big drama and upheaval ? Will it achieve much or just cause her stress and spoil her day? Be the bigger person and deal with it later.

this!

OP had previously commented on @GatherlyGal's post @AmIEnough and has now pulled out of wedding.

Thanks I didn’t know. X

Well you’d be wrong then. My aunt was killed in a car accident three weeks before my wedding. My only concern was for my dad, who might struggle to make a speech and whether that would be hard for him.

and even if it had been the eve of, which incidentally this wasn’t, it would never have occurred to me that it would ruin my wedding.

But then I’m not a self centred bitch.

Wow. Just wow

I completely and utterly disagree with you, and the rest of your comments on this thread as well.

Totally agree with @BodyKeepingScore . You have made a commitment - so should follow through but with terms.

Stop enabling her behaviour.

When you discipline a child or teenager, you take something away a majority of the time.

You need to take away her MOH. She doesn't deserve any friends. Continuing to be her MOH is just making you a sympathiser and telling her it's OK to behave the way she does because she'll still have her dream life no matter what she does.

Pulling out will teach her a huge lesson, or maybe it won't, but I wouldn't want to be seen with someone like that.

Have you actually read any of the OP’s posts?

She has said several times that over the years bride has made some unpleasant comments, however none that she would class as unforgivable.

On this occasion however, OP felt she went way too far. And when she confronted the bride about her comments, bride doubled down and continued to make even more vile comments. To the point where OP felt this time it WAS unforgivable.

Sometimes things happen that really open your eyes to just how awful someone truly is. You can spend years making excuses for them and their behaviour, because you think they’re a ok person otherwise. But then something comes along that can be a real wake up call. This is that time for OP. THIS was the deal breaker.

Please. Too many people stay 'friends' with people who treat other people like crap, under the pre-text of 'it's okay, she doesn't treat me like that'. Until one day they're shocked, just shocked, that said friend has now treated them like crap, too!

People like this need to be called out, not catered to and ignored until it affects them directly.

This^

The problem is that a wedding, in a lot of cases nowadays, isn't about the act of getting married. It's about mega bucks dress, a huge venue, lots of guests, doing weird and wacky things to celebrate during the day. Forty years ago it was a church or registry office followed by a meal in (usually) a church or village hall, hotel if you were lucky and had a few pounds to spend. The act of marrying was important, not the way in which you did it.

So now, anything that impacts on the 'feeling of the day' or the 'emotion' is a disaster for some people getting married. It's becoming very 'me, me, me' unfortunately.

Someone losing their relative isn't going to impact anyone's wedding unless it's the bride or grooms family relative. A friend's loss won't take off the 'shine' because the only person feeling 'the shine' is the bride (in this case). For everyone else it's a day out, an evening of partying and that's it.

And your feelings are only controlled by you, no-one can take the 'shine' off your feelings but yourself.

@Rolomania

Update: I have pulled out of maid of honour and the wedding

Due to bride being unpleasant and unreasonable IMO

I don't think anyone is ever "happy" to have to support someone who is bereaved.

In the case of OP we are talking 12 days before the wedding. The world is not focused on the wedding. You can take the time to be a supportive friend for a period and then in turn your bereaved friend will do the same for you at your wedding.

When dh and I got married my cousins husbands mother passed away the day before. I DID take the time to send our condolences and to send flowers to them. I am close to that cousin and it affected them and I care about her.

My cousin commented years after about how much those flowers had meant as it meant for her I remembered and gave a shit about her.

So yes actually I CAN say I was ok with having the sensitivity to be there for my cousin and could also the next day turn and feel happy for what dh and I were experiencing. I did not feel deflated about it I felt so much for cousin and her dh. His mother was a lovely woman I meet her several times. Like many people I am capable of many emotions there isn't just space for one. I missed my grandmother at our wedding. Dh missed his brother. We had a moment acknowledging the grief we lifted a glass for Cousins MiL and we had an amazing happy day.

The bride didn't make "a mistake" she showed her true colours. She feels the world is about her she is the starring role and everyone else is annoying supportive d listers.

Well said @LondonJax

I do wish posters would read all of the OP's updates before posting.

Bride has always said stupid things here and there, but nothing unforgivable. Stuff that make you think why on earth would you say that and what went through your brain? We have fallen out before but this is just too much for me.

For those who think I was unreasonable to pull out, thank you for giving your opinion that’s what I expected with posting on AIBU and what I wanted.

However I definitely did make the right decision, and have had some pretty nasty messages from bride since. I am not going to reply anymore on this thread but thank you all for your support x

I've read all the posts.

I was just giving op another reason to feel like her decision was the right one, so she doesn't wrack herself with doubt, she seems kind and they have a lot of history, she could conceivably be left running through effects on her mind.

So she might appreciate my contribution from that point of view, the effect of dropping friend after wedding instead and the photos of the day was an aspect that wasn't mentioned by other pp. Op may not need that idea or care, and that's fine.

You're assumption I was posting in response to the first post only was incorrect.

You did the right thing OP. I hope you're ok.

Anyone who says it would never occur to them to think that a sad event might ruin their wedding is being disingenuous. Of course it would occur to them. What they did or said about it though is quite another matter.

I honestly don't think anyone knows how they will react to something in the moment.

I had a bereavement last year and my friend hosted a big party and I really didn't want to go because I was grieving. I honestly would not have wanted to talk about my bereavement in an environment where people were celebrating. That would have felt so odd, and for people to offer me bereavement cards in the midst of my friend's party would also have felt odd. I can meet with them another time to be comforted by them.

I don't think what op said was appropriate, but I wonder what kind of friend allows strangers on the internet to talk them out of being moh less than two weeks before a wedding and allows those strangers to call their friend a "bitch", "vile" and "scum". For me that would make me as bad as (possibly worse than) the friend.

I also had to let a friendship go for good reasons, but I wouldn't actually want you calling that person a "bitch" or anything else - even though I still feel anger at her. For me to be able to do that would mean that I never really had feelings of friendship for that person in the first place.

I didn't call anyone a bitch @BustyLee

@Trapunt0 so sorry for your loss💐