Tell me what to say: DD and arrogant BF

[ODFOx]

Please bear with me (it's long)
She's the youngest and last one to go to Uni (this year). Her Dad died when she was 11, her self worth is poor and her self belief is less that zero (in spite of all our efforts).
She's beautiful, clever, funny, artistically talented and terribly troubled.
Current BF (although apparently they aren't dating although they spend every evening together and are intimate (this is linking not dating?) ), seems to be horrid to her: tells her she needs to be prettier and calmer and not swear and change her clothes etc etc before he can introduce her to his parents, that she shouldn't talk about losing her father, that being accepted to a fine art degree isn't a proper degree, that she needs to dress better, speak better, behave better.
At this stage I know neither this young man (not saying boy or lad) or his parents and he seems a bit of an idiot to me, but it's important to her that we make a good impression.
Anyhoo, he's coming for Sunday dinner, one of a group of 12 (16 total) and she has told us that his Mother is a trained chef and he 'despises parents who can't cook well', as well as a string of opinions on a range of topics that make me want to poke him in the eye and DH was to punch him on the nose.
I won't be cowed on dinner and will churn out the usual 'pick what you want and we won't mind either way and if there's really nothing you fancy I'm happy to make egg or beans on toast' but...
He's going to make judgements and comments about us, our home, the food we serve and the life we
lead; and while I already don't rate his opinion I know that DD cares very much. I honestly have nothing in my practical or emotional battery to help her right now, without actually being rude to him.

Please can anyone help me with stock phrases and tips to keep calm? DD likes him even though she can see that he isn't kind to her.
He treats her disrespectfully and it makes me furious given that he's also telling her how to behave to be acceptable to meet his family.
I struggle with small talk. Can anyone help me with innocuous phrases to help an introvert aspi (DS) and me (NT but knackered), navigate the way though without causing to much anguish between DD and him, or her and me. Thanks

Come on everyone, this little fucker isn't going to barge into the house and start being a prick in front of 14 other guests. We all know the type, he's a typical bully who will be a grovelling wimp in front of anyone apart from the dd.

If the prospect of having a guest causes you so much anxiety you have to start a thread about how to respond to their abusive comments, that guest should not be invited, no matter who they are. You’ve made a rod for your own back op by indulging your daughter and creating an audience for this nobhead.

He is going to feel really really important. More fool you. This is what I mean about boundaries. If your daughter wants to listen to his bullshit and create an audience for him she can. It doesn’t mean you have to.

Your post is asking how do I deal with my daughters abusive boyfriend. The simple answer is that you don’t. Your daughter deals with him privately away from the family.

Really? Is that all? That's what you got from this entire thread and all OPs posts?
Why is that the only bit you're mentioning?

tells her she needs to be prettier and calmer and not swear and change her clothes etc etc before he can introduce her to his parents, that she shouldn't talk about losing her father, that being accepted to a fine art degree isn't a proper degree, that she needs to dress better, speak better, behave better

He's not hiding it very well is he?

Exactly, she hasn’t met this man before and she admits her daughter is troubled.

Maybe he’s a ghastly individual. Or maybe this second hand information has been embellished by her daughter. Or maybe the OP is very protective of her daughter and has embellished things herself.

Maybe the daughter has said she doesn’t feel smart enough to meet his parents, and he’s said it can wait until she feels prettier.

I say many things in private which I wouldn’t share with a wider audience. I don’t like eating a diet full of ultra processed food, for example. I can see how that can be twisted into “I don’t like people who can’t cook”.

The point is no one actually knows and the sensible thing is to reserve judgment until you can find out for yourself.

You seem obsessed with me.

No, I wouldn't feel the need to verify my daughters version of events.
Abusive men are very good at putting on a show and being charming. Would you doubt your daughter if you were charmed by a man she told you was abusive?

Maybe the daughter has said she doesn’t feel smart enough to meet his parents, and he’s said it can wait until she feels prettier

What does 'feels prettier' mean? Can you elaborate?

Of course you would say that. We've already established you're an Andrew Tate fan. Now you've been called out for defending abusive behavior, you're calling me names and trying to gaslight me. Textbook.

Tell her to run as fast as she can, he's a real b....d.

If he’s rude ask him to repeat. Then ask him if he’s ok that came across harsh etc. Then turn it back on him I’m wondering why you said that. If he is a clever toxic type he will be nice as put in front of other people won’t he….
You need to play in carefully as you don’t want him refusing to come to your house and she spends her whole time at his. Hopefully she will come to her senses I did at that age!

Think yourself lucky he’s coming to your house. Our beautiful 18 year DD is in a dreadfully abusive relationship and he refuses to acknowledge anyone in her world. As a result she is becoming more and more distant from us, she’s lost all her friends and her life is totally focussed on his needs and wants. It’s an awful place to be and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

This. I was going to say very similar.

This is not a game. Your daughter is in an abusive relationship and you’ve invited him in to your home to be the star guest.

If you want her to start putting down some boundaries - you need to do it yourself.

You’ve put yourself in a position where he will have ammunition to pull her family apart. I’d honestly cancel.

If she wants a sit down meal then you go out to eat away from the safeness of her home.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop her being in a relationship with him - nothing. What you can do is set a boundary for yourself and impress how important she is and how much you love her.

She tells you these things because she knows they are wrong. At what point are you going to say anything ?

Pretend you think he’s joking if he makes a rude or unkind comment. “Art is a stupid degree” - “Yeah, that’s what they told Leonardo da Vinci” then snigger. DD needs to be prettier? Laugh like you think he’s joking and then smile proudly and tell him how people often comment on her beauty.

Seriously, your DD is worth more than this jumped up prick. Never directly criticise him. Try to get her to see the light herself, maybe by asking her if she’d say those unkind things or if she’d be happy if a friend had a BF who talked like that about her.

This arrogant little fellow sounds grossly insecure, as well as a bully. If I was mean, I’d tell him that to his face. Just let him ramble on about how much he knows/does and how brilliant he is, and nod along. If you let him take over all the talk hopefully your DD will see how conceited and full of himself he is.

Be prepared for him to be nothing like you imagine.

Maybe take the heat off by making a joke of it, "We've heard that your mum is a trained chef, so feel free to run away if our best efforts here are intolerable."

He sounds like an arrogant little so and so. I'm sorry I don't have much good to offer, but I wonder if her friends might have some more influence? Does she have a nice one who could come to dinner? Or do you have an outspoken friend who could put the little sh*t in his place? I suspect when your daughter goes to uni and meets other arty people, she'll be fine

They’re not even dating! He is not her partner.

There is comment after comment advising you how to deal with this 18 year old nasty little boy in your own home. Let’s face it, you wont be able to say half of this stuff and you definitely won’t be confronting him.

Like a pp says, this isn’t a game. It’s a serious situation that requires boundaries and for you to set a good example. He doesn’t give a fuck what you or your daughter think and your plan going forward is to impress him?

Why don’t you have a conversation with your daughter and explain that her expectation is unreasonable. You might be willing to tolerate him in a misguided attempt to support your daughter. Her friends wont and she will end up isolated. She can see him privately. Nobody else has to have a relationship with him. It’s her choice and her private business.

I would question why she’s so keen to involve this non partner in your family and expect you to impress him.

I suspect you're on the money. He'll 'behave' in front of a bigger audience in all likelihood.

If he is an arsehole, my tendency would be either to grey rock him ('How interesting', 'OK' etc) or, as others have suggested, highlight it: 'Wow, that's a very rude thing to say', 'Did you mean to say that?', 'Sorry, I didn't hear you'

Why are you allowing this abusive dickhead in your house speaking to your daughter that way? I’d tell him straight and he’d be out of that door quicker than his legs could carry him.

Once many years ago, my friends daughter was with this guy, he was controling , but she stuck with him..
I accidentally was reading him chatting to his friend, going on about how if you took a woman's virginity she belonged to you.
I was livid. Told her mum

We took her to help with the shopping.
I told her point blank what he had said, and it was old fashion twaddle.
That neither me it her mum had married our first.
And if she wasn't happy now a wedding ring wouldn't help.
Said no more and a month later be was gone.

He would not come in my house.

Hello, fellow Norn Irish person lol

Did you say that to yourself in a Mariah Carey voice?

but I don’t think a person who asks someone not to swear, to cover up, to be calm and not have a meltdown and to generally behave themselves in front of their family is an abusive arsehole.

But he didn't ask her not to do any of those things.

What thread are you reading?

It’s your job to teach your daughter about respecting other people’s boundaries. Bringing home an abusive non partner and expecting your mum to serve him and impress him really isn’t ok. Why does she think it’s ok for you to be uncomfortable in your own home and impress this stupid fucker?

She really is taking the piss and I’d tell her so. Tell her to keep her non relationship non partner bullshit away from the family. She’s made a bad choice. She doesn’t get to inflict her bad choices on other people and make them feel uncomfortable.

You feel anxious because it goes against your values to impress this twat. Ask her why she expects you to pretend.

My goodness me, someone needs a clip round the ear, doesn't he?

When he comes out with one of his derogatory comments, pin him with a death stare and pronounce 'I don't know how things work in your household but in this one, we show respect to each other. I'm sure you understand?'