Tell me what to say: DD and arrogant BF

[ODFOx]

Please bear with me (it's long)
She's the youngest and last one to go to Uni (this year). Her Dad died when she was 11, her self worth is poor and her self belief is less that zero (in spite of all our efforts).
She's beautiful, clever, funny, artistically talented and terribly troubled.
Current BF (although apparently they aren't dating although they spend every evening together and are intimate (this is linking not dating?) ), seems to be horrid to her: tells her she needs to be prettier and calmer and not swear and change her clothes etc etc before he can introduce her to his parents, that she shouldn't talk about losing her father, that being accepted to a fine art degree isn't a proper degree, that she needs to dress better, speak better, behave better.
At this stage I know neither this young man (not saying boy or lad) or his parents and he seems a bit of an idiot to me, but it's important to her that we make a good impression.
Anyhoo, he's coming for Sunday dinner, one of a group of 12 (16 total) and she has told us that his Mother is a trained chef and he 'despises parents who can't cook well', as well as a string of opinions on a range of topics that make me want to poke him in the eye and DH was to punch him on the nose.
I won't be cowed on dinner and will churn out the usual 'pick what you want and we won't mind either way and if there's really nothing you fancy I'm happy to make egg or beans on toast' but...
He's going to make judgements and comments about us, our home, the food we serve and the life we
lead; and while I already don't rate his opinion I know that DD cares very much. I honestly have nothing in my practical or emotional battery to help her right now, without actually being rude to him.

Please can anyone help me with stock phrases and tips to keep calm? DD likes him even though she can see that he isn't kind to her.
He treats her disrespectfully and it makes me furious given that he's also telling her how to behave to be acceptable to meet his family.
I struggle with small talk. Can anyone help me with innocuous phrases to help an introvert aspi (DS) and me (NT but knackered), navigate the way though without causing to much anguish between DD and him, or her and me. Thanks

If he says something bad about your food, look him in the eyes, left to right as if looking for an answer , smile and say well you won't offend me if you don't eat it.

If you cook Pork and he says he likes Beef you agree...
Oh yes Beef is nice, but today we have Pork. Smile and look away.
He says your house is old fashioned
Oh yes I agree it is But we like it. So homely.
He says your DD is doing a duff degree.
Oh yes an art degree is not for everyone, however I am sure DD will do well, and a degree is to show your capable more than what your studying.

See agree then you add but, however and add your side by agreeing your cut his argument down.

Nothing to do with boyfriend/girlfriend situation - but I don't let anyone in the house at all, apart from my family, my dh family, dd's female school friends (now uni friends - never their parents) and friends so close, so decent (4 people) that I don't have to think about any untoward behaviour, judgement, etc. I just don't let social contacts in the house. We meet in a cafe/restaurant/pub, that is it. No need. This was not a genius idea of mine, it was imprinted upon me by a friend, many many years ago, she told me how her school friends' parents when picking their children up after a playdate, were invited inside for a coffee and subsequently verbally destroyed the interior, the house, the neighbourhood - her mum told her that it had come to her attention through other people. Respect yourself - did William and Harry invite their mates to HM's residences when they were 18? They would not have dreamed of even asking about it - not because they were embarrassed of the premises, but because it is a great honour to be invited, once in a lifetime and not bestowed of the people not worthy of it.

Perhaps you could rope him into helping you cook lunch given that he comes from such proficient stock! Make him work for his supper. I bet that his skills are on par with Brooklyn Beckham - i.e. pretty shit. I would just allow him to talk bollocks and in fact, i would encourage it. I bet that he has lots of great opinions on food and wine. Your daughter will probably find him embarrassing as will her friends. With a bit of luck one of them will say something.

If he does say anything derogatory about your daughter, obviously pick him up on that and tell him some very positive things about her.

That is no way to live though..life is way too short.

As an aside, it's a bit strange that he puts your daughter down for doing a fune arts degree, whilst bigging his mother up for being a chef! Not very academic is it! 😉

It's terrifying how many people think behaving like this at 18 is fine as they are only 18

I have an 18 year old and two other kids who have been that age and none of them would ever behave like this. I brought them up well..

He sounds like a cunt, put eye drops in his drink!

YES

He sounds like a twat but I wouldn't say that to her working on the you may inadvertently make him seen more attractive principle. Take heart, when she goes to uni she will meet lots of much more lovely boys. As for the lunch, I would just deflect and love bomb him. If nothing else he will be disconcerted.

Andrew Tate fan are you?

Enlighten me how you came to that conclusion.

He would not be invited to my home and I would do everything o could to get her to see the prick that he is. He is abusing your daughter mentally. Why are you entertaining him???

Don't be tempted to say anything sarky or rude or jibing. Just pretend like he's nice and ask about his mum, his course, all the normal things. Don't rise to his digs, take them as if he meant them pleasantly even if it makes you look a bit dim. The purpose is showing DD that you can be trusted to share this messy bit of her life with without making things harder for her. Have the more honest conversation with her privately at a later date whilst being clear that despite you feeling very strongly that he doesn't treat her well enough, she will always be welcome to bring him round and you won't embarrass her. You guys being decent and him being a git will be quite the contrast. Plus they'll talk about the visit afterwards and you don't want to give him any fodder to point out how rude or inadequate you are. When he criticizes you, you need DD to be able.to think how mean he is, not that he has a point. She sounds very vulnerable and needs you to tread carefully imo.

No, I won't be giving you any helpful phrases. This thing is abusing your daughter and you are going to show her that's okay by inviting him to your home and being polite.

You haven’t actually met this young man yet

you’ve got grown adults online talking about pouring boiling hot gravy overhim based on what your daughter has said

he just sounds like a lot of 18 year olds

Telling her not to talk about her father is strange, but everyone is anxious about introducing their partner to their parents

Apart from basically calling OPs daughter a liar, you have made every excuse for this young mans behaviour and then you go on to tear apart your brothers ex girlfriend for her abusive behaviour...but not him. Every bit of his behaviour is abusive but yet you excuse it. That's how I know.

This.

What became of Chopin? Did she see the light?

Are there going to be others there in terms of old family friends, or relatives that are not immediate family? If so, are any of those forthright and not averse to speaking out? If so I'd mention the issue carefully beforehand to them and suggest that if they need to speak out to 'please feel free to do so'. In this way it's not come from direct family but a wider circle of have noticed enough to comment 'That's not a kind thing to say' or 'MiniODFOx is very talented with fine art, you shouldn't underestimate her ability to shine in this field' or 'Just because it's not to your taste doesn't mean ODFOx isn't an excellent cook, I think it's lovely and it's very unkind to criticise' etc
That might help the penny drop as it's not you/immediate family criticising.

I was in a similar situation. I felt and still do feel my parents really let me down. It was over 20 years ago and I have never been to them with a problem since and have no trust in them.

I'd have to stop myself from taking the proverbial but then I've met a hell of a lot of arseholes over the years... I have been splitting my sides laughing at some of the comments on this thread though. I might employ some of them with the entitled tits I'm currently having to deal with in my new job at a tiny provincial hospital that seems to think it's Barts or somewhere. Packed with people just like Captain Superior....

I wouldn't kowtow to some nasty little prick or my jellyfish of a daughter. I would tell her he's not welcome in my home and for her to open her eyes, get some self-respect and dump his ass. I didn't get rid of every shit in my life at the smallest whiff of a red flag and raised her to be the same to tolerate her being and absolute doormat. I don't respect people like that, daughter or not.

Just be yourself. I wonder if he'll act up being a guest in your home. If he does start saying rude things, call him on it and let him know we don't act that way in this house.

his behaviour being asking her to not swear in front of his parents.

Fair enough, but wouldn't you give him one chance to see how he behaves before making any rash judgment about him, especially as the OP says in their first post

At this stage I know neither this young man (not saying boy or lad) or his parents so getting all information about him second hand and never having met him before!

Surely it would model the right behaviours to the DD to be measured and calm about this before writing him off as an abuser.

doesn't mean you can't change your mind and explain that you wanted him to have the opportunity to show he could be civilised and respectful, but he's shown who he is, with examples of his behaviour to illustrate why it's unacceptable.

That's what I was thinking too