Tell me what to say: DD and arrogant BF

[ODFOx]

Please bear with me (it's long)
She's the youngest and last one to go to Uni (this year). Her Dad died when she was 11, her self worth is poor and her self belief is less that zero (in spite of all our efforts).
She's beautiful, clever, funny, artistically talented and terribly troubled.
Current BF (although apparently they aren't dating although they spend every evening together and are intimate (this is linking not dating?) ), seems to be horrid to her: tells her she needs to be prettier and calmer and not swear and change her clothes etc etc before he can introduce her to his parents, that she shouldn't talk about losing her father, that being accepted to a fine art degree isn't a proper degree, that she needs to dress better, speak better, behave better.
At this stage I know neither this young man (not saying boy or lad) or his parents and he seems a bit of an idiot to me, but it's important to her that we make a good impression.
Anyhoo, he's coming for Sunday dinner, one of a group of 12 (16 total) and she has told us that his Mother is a trained chef and he 'despises parents who can't cook well', as well as a string of opinions on a range of topics that make me want to poke him in the eye and DH was to punch him on the nose.
I won't be cowed on dinner and will churn out the usual 'pick what you want and we won't mind either way and if there's really nothing you fancy I'm happy to make egg or beans on toast' but...
He's going to make judgements and comments about us, our home, the food we serve and the life we
lead; and while I already don't rate his opinion I know that DD cares very much. I honestly have nothing in my practical or emotional battery to help her right now, without actually being rude to him.

Please can anyone help me with stock phrases and tips to keep calm? DD likes him even though she can see that he isn't kind to her.
He treats her disrespectfully and it makes me furious given that he's also telling her how to behave to be acceptable to meet his family.
I struggle with small talk. Can anyone help me with innocuous phrases to help an introvert aspi (DS) and me (NT but knackered), navigate the way though without causing to much anguish between DD and him, or her and me. Thanks

#@ODFOx

You need to put him on the spot like you are a keen young journalist who wants to impress your employer at work,
interviewing a suspect 🤣 under the guise of interested parent,
give him something to really mouth off about afterwards behind your backs,

He is Arsehole man child Prick

As he will and allready is doing that about yourselves as your daughter's family...

This is superb. (I would stop at ….academic).

By not standing up for yourself, your husband your home and your family, and by not helping to protect your daughter from this level of belittling and demeaning behaviour, you are showing her that it’s ok. You are showing her that even her own mother and stepfather think it’s ok for her boyfriend to treat her like crap, so maybe she is worth crap.

defend her, defend yourself, SHOW her you are doing both, and maybe she will start to believe she is worth defending. Until then, o great her self-worth will only deteriorate and then solidify, and she’ll be locked in a cycle of relationships like the one she has.

Now is your chance. Good luck.

Having him in your home sends the message that you condone the way he treats your daughter. I’d start by refusing to have him there.

Defitnley not. Parents model relationships and appropriate behaviours all through a child’s life, it doesn’t just stop once they’re no longer little. If they tolerate this awful boys awful behaviour, and poor treatment of their daughter, then she will see that it’s “ok” and that even her own mother and stepfather must agree with what he says to her, since they let it pass by.

Even as a full grown adult, if anyone had said to me what he says to this woman’s daughter, my dad (especially) would have not hesitated to defend me and put that person in their place. My mum would have counselled me repeatedly that I was being treated poorly. They would not have ignored it, even if I ultimately made a continually wrong decision. They would keep modelling the right relationships. And I’m grateful for that.

How dare the wanker slag off her degree? So much to fume about here but that made me the maddest...lol

I agree with inviting him round and being polite it will throw his shittiness into sharp relief. Your DD sounds wonderful. I bet she will see sense soon.
Defs see the appeal of the punch on the nose option though.

Ooft! Think we’ve found out who the boyfriend is! 😳

Genuinely though, is it out of order to ask someone not to swear in front of your family, or to not wear something that’s not going to give a good impression?

If that’s what you took from the post I was replying to, I think perhaps you should go and re-read it.

Is he even likely to turn up . I think it’s more likely he will let your daughter down to devalue her than show up and risk your wrath .

Also should you really give him much attention if there is a group of 16 . Be polite and welcoming but I wouldn’t do much more than that .

Can honestly say DP would be delighted to show him the garden/garage/toilet etc. Little sod wouldn't show face again.

He sounds like a complete knob. I would work on building DD's self esteem so that she can stand up for herself when he talks to her like that. She needs to know what controlling behaviour looks like, and that she doesn't need to obey him.

I would tell her that partners support each other not criticise each other and that while it is her life, you really want her to be aware of the world and they types of people in it.

Be polite when you meet him, but if he starts to spout crap or be rude to you, you don't have to put up with that and you can challenge him on that or ask him to leave.

Honestly he sounds straight up abusive. I know the common opinion is to keep your child close so don't alienate the partner, but I actually think she's young enough (therefore still dependent enough on you) that a strong stance of 'no he's abusive' may actually work. I would worry that if you played nice and they stayed together that when she leaves uni and moves out fully it would be significantly harder to avoid yourselves being alienated by him.

BUT I have never had to be a parent in this situation so I may be way off 🤷‍♀️

I would leave him to show just what he is to everyone present. Just let him talk, in fact encourage him. Give him enough rope etc….
Maybe suggest the Freedom programme to your DD ( or enrol together) in “it might be helpful at Uni” kind of way, meeting new people, different situations etc.. Hopefully it will dawn on her what an arsehole bf is.

I doubt he will be obviously rude at dinner, he'll be sweet and lovely... and then rip you all, including her, to shreds, in private with her later.

If you put him on the spot and make him squirm, then you are likely to push her to feel as if she must defend him and be on his side.

I'd let her suggest what to serve and what you wear. Then if he has a go at her later about it, he can't twist it that any of it was your decision, it was all hers (which isn't nice for her but... may help her see who he really is)...

You need to keep the lines of communication between you and her open.

I think I'd do nothing more than a pause and pointed stare if he IS rude but as I say, I doubt he will be. He'll save it all up and use it on her later on.

How long have they been 'together' not dating but linking ( I am old , what even IS that ?)

Who's idea was the invitation to the meal?

My thinking is :
He is jealous that she is moving onto a more exciting phase in her life and it will not include him. So he wants to belittle her into not believing in herself . If she has such low self esteem she probably cannot admit to herself how brilliantly she has done to get on this course .

Or - as you have not met this young man yet and it is all from your DD POV ) she might be setting the scene to clarify for herself that she really wants to dump him, It's not as easy as you're a pratt , bye
If she brings him to the table (literally) and he behaves like an arse then she can think "Yes , it isn't me . He's an arse to everyone"

But he'll be in his best behaviour .

I don’t think this is much different to agreeing to a play date with the school bully.

Your dd can continue to date him if she chooses but there is absolutely no reason to invite someone who abuses your daughter to your home for a meal. Your dd is old enough to understand that although she might like him a lot, other people don’t. And they don’t have to pretend to.

She has told you he abuses her. And now you’re going to cook for him. You need to think about the message that is sending her.

@Olivia2495 What is OP's alternative though?

If she says 'sorry, cuntychops isn't welcome here' thats just going to drive a wedge between her and her DD. Pushing her toward him, shutting down any chance of DD listening to OP!

I'd let her suggest what to serve and what you wear

Seriously? Just how far should the op go to impress this vile little prick?

So how have you broached it so far?

When she tells you that he thinks she isn't pretty enough & doesn't like the way she dresses what have you said in response?

Must be difficult to not ask why does she think he's with her then?

So if linked is sex & every evening together is that a way of alienating her?

Obviously he's abusive & seeing how far he can push her.

Has she changed her looks/clothes?

Theres a point to that... clearly I didn't explain it well enough.

If DD suggests these things, when her nasty abusive prick says things like 'ugh, your mums food was awful, she wore awful clothing...' there is no way DD can twist it in her mind to be her Mums fault. She chose it. He's therefore really having a go at her, not Mum.

She also can't turn it around to make Mum some sort of saboteur of the evening either.

She has told you he abuses her. And now you’re going to cook for him. You need to think about the message that is sending her

Keep your enemies closer .
She can see what he is like with your family . If he's as nice as nice can be then she can see he puts on a good act .
If he;s rude , patronising or vile then she has you to have her back .
It might be enough to lift the scales from her eyes .

OP if DD and BF are two out of 16 of the guests for dinner, who are the other 14? Can you get them primed and onside, does it all have to be on you?

(If you're anywhere near me I'll happily pitch up and put in my exceptionally polite but deadly two-penn'orth.) 😀

I find this difficult to imagine tbh. My dd's and I talk a lot about toxic friendships and how it can manifest in relationships. Oldest 18 and has yet to date in any way where we would be meeting him/her.

As the invitation is going ahead all you can do is put your best foot forward and pay close attention to what he says, his body language with your dd and his overall demeanor in such a large group (where he isn't the centre of attention). I would be inclined to ask him questions in a lighthearted way and any arrogance meet with a pointed stare and narrowed eyes.

Having said that, if he had said all of the above (from your op) to my dd I would be cornering the abusive little fucker and warning him off. But that is me and not an approach for everyone. I abhor these inadequate pricks who see the qualities of others and wish to strip it away from them.

It is good that she confides in you OP. I think it important that you tell her he is abusive and undermining her, and that in healthy relationships he would be saying the exact opposite to her. Horrible twunt. I would want to smack him one!

@Olivia2495 What is OP's alternative though

The alternative is to demonstrate boundaries. I would be really cross if my daughter said hey mum, my abusive boyfriend is coming for lunch and it’s really important that you impress him. I’d have told her to stop taking the piss.