Complaining neighbour

[ivise]

So today for the first time my neighbour has left me a note on the door saying that my child has been loud for some time now and that she can't take it anymore. She is new to the flat and is down bellow me . Sometimes she works from home which I didn't know . She says she can hear a constant running and stomping (probably when she plays ball or ballon) yes my child can be quite active but what can I do , tell her off , she is starting school next September so I am hoping that will give her some peace but I am not sure what else I can do . Now when the weather is nice I am sure we will be out more often ,but of course when she is home . She seems quite considerate of understanding I have a child and that the floors are awful but I am not sure what she wants me to do .
Anyone has dealt with this situation? How would you approach someone with the note like that ?
Bear in mind I have never had complaints from anyone before . Also she has had complain from neighbour down bellow her about loud music in evenings which she did disturbed us as well .Considering it was after 11pm but we never complained about it , it's has been stopped from what I have heard x

I would definitely try and have a friendly chat with her. Perhaps she was out when you went round before?

Much easier to try and resolve things face to face.

Apologise if she's being disturbed, the weather has been rubbish lately so you've been at home more than normal and your DD is starting nursery in September so it will be less of an issue. It's important that she doesn't feel ignored as resentment will start to build up.

Perhaps the neighbour is being disturbed during important online meetings - you could try and understand if there's a particular time of day when the noise is an issue. You probably don't have to change your DD's behaviour much but it would be good for you and the neighbour to hear both sides.

Maybe take her some flowers or chocolate? And gently suggest noise-cancelling headphones? I think good neighbourly relations are important to nurture and if you show some consideration to her point of view I expect she will be more considerate about the music at night.

Exactly this, living in a flat does not mean free rein to use the 'well kids are kids' line

You sadly have to put up with noise in flats. Can't believe you ever use a ball inside!!! That's madness. You break things. No balls ever inside I don't know a single person that allows balls inside. Yabu re the balls. Rest afraid it's flat living.

@ivise Children running and jumping in flats are a frequent source of annoyance- Flats and children are not a good mix unless the children are on the ground floor.

Unless you have lived in unsuitable flats, you have no idea how massive the sound is.

Even in a semi detached , or terrace, noise from running children can be bad, stomping up the stairs.

It really amplifies.

It's a maddening sound. It must be really bad if the neighbour is complaining about it.

Also...Balls indoors..Go outside for proper exercise, Raincoat, wellies. Children need to run, and indoors is not the place for it.

But on the other hand, if you live in a flat with a child, you have to accept that they can't play the same games that they might be able to if they lived in a house. There should be no running, jumping or ball playing in a flat. It may not be fair, kids will be kids and all that, but everyone has to have consideration for the others.

People let their DCs play ball in the house? Really?

I have kids that are very happy colouring or dressing up or playing Lego so apologies if these are rubbish suggestions- can you try and think of active things to do that don’t involve a lot of running around or jumping? E.g hula hooping (as long as floor carpeted so no clatter when the hoop falls?). Or one of those little trampolines that is fixed in place and won’t make a noise when she’s jumping on it?

Of course your child should be able to run around and play in her own home. Mine was a whirlwind inside and out as full of energy so you can’t just make them sit still.

Try to find out which room your neighbour works from, maybe if it’s below your daughters room you could swap bedrooms or make her play in the lounge more during the day.

You say you take your daughter out in good weather. I work in a nursery and we can often tell the children that only go out in good weather. They will be out in the garden for the whole session, running, climbing, playing ball and this will be in rain, wind and sun. Please take your daughter out to go for a long walk or to a play park every day. It will burn off a lot of pent up energy and maybe help with the situation at home. There's no such thing as 'bad' weather...only wrong clothing. Good luck to you.

Colouring is actually hugely important for developing a child's fine motor skills and therefore their ability to write.

I would have a friendly chat with your neighbour, explain your child will be starting school in September and that she's at nursery x amount of hours but that you cannot guarantee complete silence by the very fact you live in flats and noise travels. I would definitely put a stop to playing ball inside. That is the least you can do.

I believe that you and your kid should be totally comfortable in your house.Kids need to play as they like. With some limitations, of course, like no loud music, constant banging, etc but you can't stop kids from making noises.
Living in a flat means that you will hear noises from your neighbours.
If your neighbour does not like it then she is the one who should move out.

I was partly raised in an apartment and I never played ball or ran around inside because we all had to live together. But it was all families and the children were outside alot. I can't remember my parents complaining about noise from other apartments.

I lived in an apartment with a child above me and all that child did was run around, it did get me down when it's all day. It must be difficult but I didn't get why they didn't take the child out. We had outside space and plenty of parks really close by. I think if you live in an apartment with a child you need to be out more.

YABU
You shouldn't be allowing her to run or jump or play with a ball inside. That's active selfishness. These things are for the garden or the park.

Right?! The OP says she will ‘try to stop’, so that’s good, isn’t it? 😬

Your child has every right to enjoy her home too. If you change your behaviour on the basis of this one note, the neighbour will continue to moan about every single thing. I know, I've been there and it was horrible.

Ignore. Don't be stressed out in your own home.

I wonder if she hasn’t lived a flat before. DH grew up in one and they tuned out the noise. When I visited his parents I found it hell on earth. It was just people going about their normal business but it sounded like elephants to me. They heard nothing.
When he was a kid the whole block was children, the noise must have been horrific.

Balls aren't appropriate inside, and as for your previous neighbour being noisy...sound overhead is much more stressful than sound beneath.

I lived in a variety of flats for 15 years and all I can say is thank fuck I'm in a house now. I had to deal with so many upstairs children whose parents let them do whatever they liked, because only their peaceful(?!) home enjoyment mattered.

I'd never live in a flat again.

She is the adult. If your kid is just busy being a kid (which it sounds like she is) and you're considerate about her not jumping about at antisocial hours then she needs to be allowed to enjoy her safe space and neighbour needs to buy some headphones

I think the sound insulation just sucks, and you're both unlucky. My terraced neighbours bathroom is super-loud to me (the shower somehow bangs the wall loud enough to wake us, I know every time they go for a pee...) it's just part of the realities of the house.

Some people seem really set off by balls!! Obviously I wouldn't play football etc. in the flat / house, but some ball games are absolutely appropriate.

Hmm. No, it isn’t. I’ve played all sorts of ball games inside, including cricket. That doesn’t mean it is acceptable in this case, but I kid wanting to toss a light plastic ball or tennis ball is normal in my books. But I’m happy some are monkishly quiet on here.

I don't know anyone who does.

I've also spent decades like my DP telling children, mostly boys, not to play with balls inside no matter the size and type of property.

The vast majority of families do not set up their living accommodation so that their children can play with a ball inside and not knock something over, have it land somewhere awkward or break something.

Yes, the child should absolutely be able to be free to play in their own home. It's their home. That's how life works. I'm sure a compromise could be reached if the neighbour showed their face for an actual conversation. If you are so quick to keep harping on about what you perceive as the OPs lack of respect maybe you should start thinking on the neighbours, with her loud music at 11 with the knowledge that a child is above her.

This. My neighbours worked from home during Covid and were complaining about the upstairs neighbour, who was probably doing what she always had done when they were out during the day. Kids running about in a flat is annoying but if you are out at work and come home around the child’s bedtime you aren’t going to notice it so much. There is a huge expectation for people to respect neighbours working from home but it is entirely unreasonable. Maybe the neighbour needs to take herself out to a working space or, dare I say it, a coffee shop for some of the day.

Part of the reason it got you down is because you know how small the upstairs flat is.

I lodged in a flat once were all the children use to play outside from age 2 with parents watching them as the flats were designed with lots of green space. (This was when Surestart still existed.)

Anyway there was a boy above me who started running around and sound like a herd of elephants running around. My landlord, who had been away, went up and told the parents off. Apparently other parents in the development with the same aged children repeatedly asked the boy out to play but the mother couldn't be bothered. Oh and rain wasn't an excuse as he was doing it when it was dry.