Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

You need to work out a schedule which is fairer to you. There’s a reason every other weekend is so common. However I’d also be dropping the riding lessons for now. They can ask him why they’re not doing it any more.

Change the contact schedule. He can have them every other weekend and you take them riding during your weekends. It's awful that he has them every weekend and you have them all week. How did that come about?

Is this court ordered or an arrangement that suits him?

I think it's the wrong question, you shouldn't have no weekend time, for your boys sake as well as your own. Its not ok they dont spend weekend time with you. Id be dropping the riding and doing EOW instead or split weekends, so you get Saturdays and keep riding lessons and he gets Sundays.

Is the schedule court ordered?

You are unreasonable for wanting to take them for three hours in his time.

You're not unreasonable for wanting some weekend time.

He should do every other weekend and a school night.

I would try and go for every other weekend, so they get riding lessons on your weekend. Why doesn’t he take them and collect them. If you can’t agree maybe it’s best to go to Court to get a proper schedule of who does what. I think the Court will say he should do the dropping off and collecting on his weekends.

Complete empty threats from him, think about it.

"Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work."

But now wants sole custody? Bullshit. I agree with Elif a split weekend would work better so you both get time with the children every weekend. I have know a split couple who did alternate Saturdays so one Saturday with Mum, Sunday with Dad and then swap for the next weekend but it was a very positive co-parenting arrangement.

I think you need to revert to every other weekend. You can offer a school night and it’s up to him if he takes it or not. Unfortunately the kids will have to ride every other weekend (and they can complain to him if they want).

Let him take you to court.

He won't...it's just a threat.

But even if he did, you'd more than likely get a child arrangement order in respect of residence and an every other weekend spending time order.

How did it come about that he has them every single weekend? That doesn’t sound fair at all and I’d be focusing on changing that first.

Riding on Saturday I suppose I get where he is coming from as 3hrs is a big chunk of “his” time but ideally he’d see that the boys enjoyed the activity and support it and of course you’d have a share of weekends too. In reality he’s not sharing weekends and not caring about what the boys enjoy so yeah .. it’s all about “his time”. He sounds delightful.

He refused anything else! I said every other weekend and he was so awful over it that I just gave in (I'd been in hospital for an emergency op which was the catalyst for us to split - he refused to help me in any way like bringing me some clothes and toiletries when I literally couldn't get out of bed and when he finally did, he'd brought me stuff from the dirty laundry hamper which was wet!)

I don't want to stop their lessons - that feels like punishing them and it's not fair. Also have to pay for the full month up front so I think they either ride every weekend or not at all.

I've said that he can have them after school to make up the time but he's refused because "he works".

It's his way or the highway, no flexibility at all!

Suggest you have them Tuesday after school until Saturday afternoon, then he has them Saturday after the lesson until Tuesday morning.

It's what he wants, no courts involved.

OP you need to write back and say yes please let's go to court and get this formalised.
Your schedule is not sustainable and you are entitled to free time with the kids too.
So agree with PP that you ask for weekend time and offer him weekday time. If he doesn't want it then fine. Courts will not order that you do all the weekday and never a weekend

Take the bastard to court!

He won't have them at all during the week because he works. I've offered plenty of times!

They also don't do anything with him - I can see their tablet time and that's all they do judging by it! I can't even remember the last time he took them to the park.

he won’t go for custody because he will have to actually do the hardcore work
that said you need a weekend with them so weekends should be split

I would get some legal advice and set out a schedule of EOW and him having the option of weekdays as well and apply to be the resident parent

the worse thau could happen is 50/50 and thau will include splitting weekdays as well so actually will give you far more quality time but I suspect he won’t want that!

You should go to court and renegotiate contact.

Most kids go to their dad every other weekend and either chill with mum or see her side of the family on her weekends.

I can see why the lessons annoy your ex because it interrupts his time with the kids. Even if he doesn’t do anything with them, watching a clock and having to get them ready etc is annoying - especially if he doesn’t see the benefits like you do.

If he took this to court then he wouldn’t get full custody but a judge would say time with dad is more important. However you’d get every other weekend so the kids could go half of the time.

There's several issues there.
The arrangement seems unfair to you. As pp posters have said an every other weekend schedule would allow you to bring them to the lessons every other week and give you weekend/ quality time.
Whole I understand that you have tried to find other options and that the boys like the lessons, it is unreasonable to test them away for 3 hours on "his time".
His verbal abuse and bullying behaviour is wrong. Can you try and go down the grey rock route as well as limiting communication to text or email so that you have a record of it. As upsetting as they are, his comments about you being a shit mother or him going for full custody are a load of shite. Even if he did go to court, it would not be in the best interest of the child to remove them from your care and you probably would be able to get a fairer schedule.

It’s not fair on you that you get to do all the school days and have no fun at the weekend while dad does fuck all during the week and plays doting dad at the weekend.

Take it to court because time will get split when it gives you both fun time.

can he not take them one night in the week and then after horse riding lessons on a Saturday until the Sunday, meaning you have the Saturday to spend with the boys?

he is being unreasonable.

Saturdays are the boys' time too.

Apologies if I've missed something, but WTF doesn't their dad take them to do their hobby when it's 'his' weekend?

You don’t need to go to court. Tell him it’s every other weekend from now on and just don’t take them. If he doesn’t like that he can go to court himself.

You say partner so assume you were not married and not sure what the mechanics are around custody arrangements for that but he sounds a lot like my xh. If there was a split of assets like house etc then that’s what he’s mad about and you can’t change that so you need to accept he’ll never change the way he talks to you.

First of all, there is zero reason why he can’t take them to their riding lessons on the weekend. It’s the children’s routine and if that falls on the time he has them, he takes them and tell him they’ll appreciate that he is doing that. He still gets loads of free time over the weekend to do stuff with them.

Ignore his threats and abuse but keep the receipts. He hasn’t asked for the children at all during the week and would probably crumble within two weeks if he had to have them full time.

Propose a better parenting plan. For example he has them every second weekend and half the school holidays. On the weekends he has them he picks them up after school Wednesday and they come back Sunday. That way he has them the same amount of time and it is more fair on both of you and he is more part of their weekday life. At the moment he is just “fun dad” and not part of the daily humdrum.
Decide within the parenting plan what is covered by whom.
Explain to him that you recognise that he wants quality time with them and the boys appreciate that and having them uninterrupted for four days should be better for all. You having to do the Saturday running around also means you can’t make plans on your time “off”.

Court costs £230 plus a mediation session and you don’t need a solicitor as every other weekend is a perfectly reasonable request that is super common.

I would imagine every weekend contact ending once dad wanted to date or go out drinking with friends but I’d pre empt that and go to court anyway. A Child Arrangement Order can include a clause allowing you to take the kids on holiday without his permission too which sounds handy for the future.