Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

This is such an odd dynamic. Thinking about how many waking hours you actually have with your children. Maybe 1 hour before school and perhaps 4 hours after school. That's roughly 21 hours a week you see your children.

Whereas your ex will have them for the 4 hours on a Friday then all day Saturday/Sunday bare a few hours for this lesson. That's got to be at least 28 hours.

I'd be reverting to EOWE and then only taking them to lessons on your weekend. Simple solution.

Get a court ordered agreement. Ask for every other weekend. Then book the hobby.

Tell him to knock himself out and go to court. Don’t speak to him correspond by text only so you have proof he doesn’t want them during the week and that he’s verbally abusive. He can then enjoy every other week I stead of every week!

Did you read anything the op said?

There are no lessons mon to Fri. The children enjoy riding and are having physical benefits from it. Their dad has them for every weekend so their Mum has no choice but to use "his time" for fun things.

Their dad (using that term very loosely!) has been given the chance to take them to their lessons. He has refused.

I wish I was but I'm miles away in the North East! Thank you though! 🥰

Stop complying. You are allowing him to have all the quality time with your DS, dictate the contact schedule AND now you may end up allowing him to sabotage your DS´s riding lessons??

You were strong enough to leave him. You´re also strong enough to say "no" to him when it comes to your DC!

I think the kids being shunted round is better than them being on their tablet all weekend.

He sounds like a waste of space. He only has power if you let him. Go to court and get an acceptable schedule in place. In the meantime offer him Sundays plus one day in the week. If he won't agree to that he'll look unreasonable. Keep all communication in writing. It is not doing your boys any good to allow them to go to his every weekend and be bored senseless.

Tell him you’re reducing his contact to every other weekend and a week night and he’s welcome to seek legal advice like you will be doing, and which you’ll qualify for free for because he’s domestically abusive calling you names etc.

The Sunday lessons are on a morning so switching days wouldn't help unfortunately.

I think that poster means that Dad takes them Saturday after the lessons till Sunday 4pm.

that way you get weekend time and the kids keep their lessons.

Time to put your foot down OP. He doesn't get to monopolise all weekends. You are getting no time with the kids that doesn't involve getting them up for school or bathed and bed ready for school. Almost no time that they are awake at all.
Let him throw a tantrum and go to court about it. I'd refuse mediation as he sounds like he bullies you through the kids.
Don't make them available for a weekend every other weekend.
What about bank holidays and summer holidays? Is he covering some of that or are you expected to pay for weeks of childcare so he gets weekend each week as usual.

OP - big girl pants time. You get 2 weekends, end of conversation. If he hates that, let him take you to court - a man who calls you a bitch and a cunt isn't getting sole custody.

You are being a doormat - get angry!!

I'm afraid I have nothing useful to offer you OP - if I had a magic wand you would most definitely be today's worthiest recipient - but I just wanted to send a hug and say you are clearly amazing for managing to give your two boys such a lovely activity, which they clearly really benefit from, in such bloody difficult circumstances.

My take would be to gather your strength and, as others have said, take the access/custody issues to court. Start keeping detailed records of all your ex's objections, disputes, difficultness etc. - I think the amount of screen time the boys are showing when they're with him is a good one to include. Of course it won't be easy, or in any way pleasant, but things are rubbish now, if you can manage to have every other weekend with them that would be such an improvement for all three of you. Good luck.

It sounds like best for you & the boys is you have Saturdays & he has Sundays.

I understand he’s abusive to you, but it’s not fair on the boys that they spend their precious down time bored all the time.

There are 2 issues here. The hobby is not the main one. You may or may not be able to make that work.

More urgently you've been walked all over by a dreadful man. You both work yet you manage all the slog of before/ after school drop offs and pick ups and appointments. He then has all weekend so you never get to do anything fun, he doesn't support hobbies and parties, and the kids don't enjoy it.

Go to court. Do this properly. Get EOW and he can do a day or so in the week. If he doesn't take him back to court and get more child support.

He obviously doesn't like or respect you. He's a shit dad. Stop making his life easier. His relationship with his kids is his to manage.

Get thee to a solicitor.

If he threatens you with court tell him to bring it. He'll get a nasty surprise.

He's a nasty bully and you need to sort put a more equitable arrangement. So far he's having it all his way.

Work out what you're comfortable with and communicate via the solicitor. Gather all the informatiin you have including tablet time.

For your kids sake sort out a better contact schedule. They and you don’t deserve that all the slog is your time and all the weekend time is spent bored out of their mind at dads. Either he gets 4pm Friday to 4pm Saturday or 4pm Saturday to 4pm sunday, or every other weekend.

You need to get legal advice on custody. However you signed your kids for this particular hobby (there are loads of others to choose from) after the break-up and scheduled it in the middle of weekends when their dad, who is scared of horses, has them. My kid does hobbies on weeknights (cricket etc) and so do most kids round here even though both parents usually work. You both need to stop using your kids to get at each other.

I've nothing to add to what other posters have said on the practicalities, but I just wanted to say OP that your love for your children sings through in everything you have said here.

I hope you're getting proper maintenance payments for your boys. Something tells me your awful ex partner won't willingly be paying what they're owed.

This is the answer !

Stop letting him have every weekend this isn't fair!

Change the times to suit you & your boys & if he wants anything different he can take you to court!

why cant he take them riding?

Horse riding is for Sissy’s? 😂😂 Yeah alright. On your bike dickhead.

OP agree to court, next time he threatens it reply with “yes actually that’s a good idea, I’ll get the ball rolling”. Fucking play this if he’s going to behave like this.

if he wants the boys on a weekend, he picks them up, or he doesn’t get them. Time to put your big girl pants on and see this is your way or the highway.

You can do this. X

@OhMoreDrama Your husband is a complete arse if he thinks riding is for ''Sissies''- I'd like to see him gallop across country and do some jumps...he'd be shitting himself.

Show him this :

Poster suggested he get them Saturday after lessons till Sunday at 4.

You know this arrangement isn't in your boy's best interests OP. They're missing out time with their engaged mother to spend time with an unengaged father who is more interested in controlling things than what his kids actually need. They're relying on you to be in their corner, to fight for what they need. You found the strength to leave him, you can find the strength to stand up to him about the weekends for your boy's sakes.

I know it's terrifying, Im in the middle of divorcing my abusive XH, I was literally shaking when I told him he'd have to take me to court because there was no way I was agreeing to what he wanted unless a judge made me. He was horrible, made me cry. spent a couple months saying nasty things about me to the kids, but he didn't get what he wanted, which would have harmed them.