Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

Take him to court

Let him go to court
He'll lose
You'll get EOW
He should take them in his weekend

What a twat

So he’s basically a cunt and is punishing you

you and your children will never have a moments peace trying to placate him

go to court & get it settled legally. It’ll save a lot of pain in the end

You need to put this before the courts. I can’t see how this could possibly be regarded as a fair arrangement.

Jeezus. Do nothing for him. Hang up the phone when he starts abusing you. Stop taking the boys over there. How awful he is to you is how awful he is anout you to the boys.

Then just tell him no, let him take you to court. I bet he won't though. He's already rude and unpleasant to deal with so you've got nothing to lose

Big girl pants on.
tell him it’s every other weekend from now on, and on his weekend, you’ll drop the boys after horse riding.
offer him a weekday tea.
He’s going to be abusive no matter what you do, so you may as well make it work for you.

He’s going to be abusive no matter what you do, so you may as well make it work for you.

In a nutshell.

Exactly. Tell him loudly and clearly that it is poor parenting to block them doing physical exercise that they love, when cost is not an issue, and expect them to sit staring at a screen.

Stand up for them and push back. When you get the barrage of offensive language, simply type back, I’ve heard it all before - please put your children first.

OP just stop. Stop giving him everything he wants.
Stop taking the kids to him at the weekend. Tell him that he can collect them at x time on Saturday afternoon and he can drop them at school on Monday.

If he kicks off, so what?
What's he going to do?
Threaten to not have them at all? Sounds like everyone would prefer that arrangement anyways!
Threaten to take you to court? Excellent! About time
Threaten to 'get' sole custardy? HA, he won't even have them midweek let alone full time.

He's saying things to keep you 'in check'. You've given him way too much power over yours and the kids lives. Just stop giving it.

Stop offering a weekday tea. It will never work to your advantage. He will jerk you around even more. You will never be sble to plan around that day reliably.

His goal is to cause you as much stress inconvenience and I'm happiness as possible. If this causes the children stress and unhappiness all the better because that will make you even more stressed and unhappy.

He won't want custody of them because that will involve extra stress and work for him and if he gets it he will make the children unhappy in order to make you stressed and unhappy.

I would keep a very careful record of everything that happens in order to build a case against him in the future if need be- obviously don't let him know anything about this.
I think my ultimate goal here would be to get rid of this man, get him out of the children's lives, I would be backing away very slowly and gradually fading away from his radar.

Just keep them until after the riding lesson then drop them off. If he wants them more he can take you to court.

As previous posters have said you are giving him too much power you are complying with him too much.
Please stop complying, don't do this in a confrontational way, do it in a quiet way, drop the rope, don't argue with him or engage with him over things.

You don’t need to give in to his every demand and there is no court in the land that would give him every single weekend. Just tell him he’s taking them eow, let school know and if he’s not happy he can waste his money on court. He won’t though. I’d then move the riding to eow and you take them on your weeks so the knobber can’t complain.

YANBU. He is ignoring that the boys love horse-riding so he’s making it all your responsibility and ‘fault.’ Sorry you are dealing with sometime so vile, abusive and selfish.

Take him to court OP and get yourself a court ordered schedule that suits you. Stop letting him treat you like shit - he’s using the boys to control you. Don’t allow it. Take the power back and get a schedule that suits you.

Honestly, I usually try to provide constructive helpful advice, but why dont you just tell your pathetic bully of an ex to fuck off.

"Dear ex, fuck off. Take me to court if you want access. Love, OhMoreDrama"

Riding is so good for confidence, balance, fitness, fun, self-esteem....not forgetting bankrupting parents 🤣 If they can possibly keep going, do keep making it happen. You're a great mum doing a great job.

Let him have them Sundays only, the children get more out of the lessons than sitting on tablets at dad's house just for his sake of saying he has them.
If he wants to see them more he can have them in the week overnight or take them to the lessons himself.
He won't though, he will kick off but he won't fight for sole custody.

Oh, OP, also, please try get as much of this in writing as you can. Offer him, by email or text) set days to have the kids. Keep all your offers in writing and if he calls you, summarise what he said to you in writing as well.

EG

You: Re contact going forward, how about you have the kids every Wednesday after school and drop off on Thursday morning and every Saturday evening keeping them until Monday morning drop off.

Him: calls to shout abuse etc

You: Following your call just now, you said you won't take the children midweek because you work and only want them from Friday until Sunday every week. As you know this doesn't work for me so we need to find a compromise. What do you suggest?

Him: calls to shout abuse etc

You: Following your call, you have said that you refuse to compromise on childcare which no longer works for me. Therefore, I'd like to take you up on your offer of going to court.

Him: calls up to shout abuse

You: Following your call, you said that etc....

If this goes to court, the chances are they'll say every other weekend with Dad plus one or two weeknights, and there's a good chance that they'll say that he needs to take them to their riding lesson himself on Saturdays.

As tempting as it is don't tell him to fuck off!!
Don't be rude or abusive, remain polite and professional at all times. In other words don't do or say anything that's going to make you look bad in court.
You have to be whiter than white op, if there's anything that will make you look bad he will use it against you do not give him anything, and of course and keep very detailed notes and records of every thing he does.

Then he only sees them every other weekend. Your children are entitled to quality time with you too. If he doesn’t want to see them then that’s on him.

You do not get this time with your children back. They don’t get the chance to have a do over and spend more time with their mum. You need to sort this out for your kids.

Why on Earth did you sign them up to lessons on his time in the first place?

I think that was bang out of order, tbh. You can’t organise his time with them and I think he has a right to say no to that.

His time shouldn’t be every weekend. Why does he get the quality ‘days out time’ and down time, just to waste their precious childhood on a tablet? Fuck that.