Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

With your update get to court and sort it. He doesn’t just get “what he wants”. Have you thought ahead to school holidays etc also. If you have sole care Mon-Fri and work those days then presumably you’ll need to find and pay for holiday childcare which he won’t be contributing to. Whereas because “he works” he has them in his free time on weekends and doesn’t need to find childcare. Get to court or you’ll find your DC childhoods pass you by with you only experiencing the hard work and chores and never the relaxed happy weekend moments. Put in writing to him what you propose (eg alternate weekends and a night mid week?) then go from there. It may well be that the boys can only ride every weekend they are with you but I’d suck that extra cost up to enable them to keep up their lessons fortnightly as you can’t force him to take him to lessons or allow you to take them on “his” time sadly (a nicer dad would do this for benefit of the children).

I have also offered to pay for the lessons and let him take them but he's refused that too.

I do do my best to ignore the comments but it's wearing me down!

They're at a party next weekend and he's having a go at me because I passed the phone number along to arrange things and asked if he'd pick up a small gift. I should be doing it apparently!

Time to get it all court ordered. Time to stop pandering. What a shit dad.

Yes, this! Why are you taking them not him?!

For all sorts of reasons you need to redo the arrangement re contact. Either you could split 50/50 and have them all week (including weekend) then he could have them all the next week. Or you could split the week with handover happening part way through the weekend so you both spend time with them in the weekend and time with them in the weekday. As it stands, it must be massively impacting your own ability to earn money as you can't work properly in the week/have to pay childcare. While he isn't impacted at all (and refuses to be so) but has them in the weekend when he is free anyway and can be fun dad. Unless there is a massive dripfeed about him paying well above CMS so you don't need your own income but I doubt that somehow.

If he really doesn't want to have them in the week then he can do every other weekend. But its ridiculous for him to refuse to split time 50/50 because "work" but then demand full custody. I think most courts would say the same.

He just flatly refuses and has been telling the kids its for sissys 😡

Sometimes it feels like he doesn't want them, he just doesn't want me to do anything fun with them!

DD never liked sleeping overnight so she decided she would prefer one day with each of us instead of an EOW arrangement. This would work better for you as you could have them on a Saturday, do something fun in the morning and then riding in the afternoon.

Go to court though, what the arrangements are now is not fair it doesn't matter what he wants, it's what's best for the children and having no downtime with you isn't in their best interests. If he lives close there's no reason he can't have them and evening midweek.

However when it is set more fairly you won't have any say on what he does in his time. It's best to pick hobbies that can be done outside of his time.

It's his way or the highway, no flexibility at all!

Which is exactly why you might consider involving the court. At the moment, he is having it all his own way because he only cares about his own convenience while you are focused on what is best for the boys.

The court, or even just the treat of court, might be worth a shot to even up the power imbalance between you.

All the best.

You need to get custody sorted out legally. At the moment you are letting him abuse you still. See a solicitor, ask for every other weekend only discuss things with him via text or email and save everything to support your argument that he is abusive in court.

I know it feels like you are doing the right thing by your boys enabling this, but you really aren’t. This is not the role model you want for them to treat you or other women in future

Then it’s the highway.

OP, if you don’t start sticking up for your boys and yourself, this will never end. Their entire childhoods will be marred by this and the only guaranteed result is that they will end up absolutely despising their bullying selfish pig of a father.

He has no right to dictate that you and they run your lives around him. No court would give him what he’s demanding as it isn’t fair. So that’s the first thing. His threat to go to court is completely ridiculous bullying, so neutralise it - it’s so easy to do! He doesn’t want full custody- he barely wants them at all except as weekend playthings! He REFUSES to have them for any parenting time as ‘he works’… but expects you to quake in your boots at the threat of him taking residency?! 🤣🤣🤣

It is so easy to shut this down and start whipping this silly little bully into shape. Think of it as doing him a favour - if he carries on like this, he’ll lose his kids as he’ll be so used to getting his own way that he’ll treat them the same and they’ll simply walk away.

‘Dear X,
Yes, this clearly isn’t working for either of us so I think court sounds like a good option. I’m pleased to hear your suggestion of petitioning for more custody. While your suggestion of a change in residency is very unlikely to be successful given how much weekday parenting you have refused to commit to so far, me and the boys would very much welcome a more balanced arrangement. After speaking to a couple of people who have been through the court system, a typical arrangement of every other weekend plus a few days a fortnight of you doing weekday parenting (overnights, school runs, parenting admin duties) seems more likely to be approved. One absolute also seems to be that weekends are shared, giving both parents downtime with the children. As this is already a bone of contention and starting to affect the boys, I’m imitating this now, which will hopefully solve the issue with the riding lessons while we wait for a court order. From now on we will share weekends, and if you want to also start taking some of the weekday time which a court order will give you, that’s fine. Would you be thinking of going as far as 50-50 care? Let me know and we could discuss how this is going to work. I’m pleased that this has come to a head really, I do think it would be better for the boys to have more real time with you and although it’s not nice to argue, I’m pleased that you have now actually suggested this. From my research it seems that you should first fill in Form X, blah blah. Thanks, Xx’

that should put the fear of god into him. Keep them next weekend and enjoy the riding.

Did you break up with him? It seems a bit like he's punishing you through the kids by being petty. That's why I think you need to grey rock as much as possible, don't let him see that you are bothered by him being an arsehole/get emotional abought the horse riding because it will encourage him. Instead, a factual, "the current situation isn't working" and push him to take them during the week. He probably won't (and cant be forced) but if he thinks he's "punishing" you or winning by making you take them during the week he's less likely to be an arse about weekends for the sake of it.

Every other weekend. Then the kids can ride fortnightly - which is fine at that age.

He won't.

I was ill a few weeks ago and asked if he'd take them and honestly you'd have thought I'd asked him to fly to the moon rather than drive them ten minutes to a lesson. He called me so really vile stuff. He's scared of horses which I think is the problem (he doesn't have to go anywhere near the horses, the instructor collects them at the indoor school door and takes them to their ponies - parents stay in the viewing room!)

What do the boys want? If they want to ride surely their father could take them? He needs to stop thinking of his time/your time.

Go to court.

Next time he threatens you with his bullshit ‘I’ll go for sole custody’ schtick just tell him ‘OK. Let’s get a court order, I think that’s best.’

He was a shit partner and he’s a shit dad. Don’t let him bully you.

Just tell him you'll go to court. He thinks he can bully you.

Suggest that he can have them Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. That way, you bet some weekend time with them, take them to their lessons and drop them to him for the rest of the weekend. If he’s not happy with that, then I’m afraid you’re going to have to get a court involved. The division of time is manifestly unfair for you and your relationship with your children.

He sounds absolutely vile.

They absolutely love it! Both come away so happy and the oldest is starting jumping in a few weeks - he's so excited that he's told everyone we've met! It's also helping them so much with confidence and physically with stuff like balance and coordination!

Just because every weekend is what he wants doesn’t mean that’s what he gets. Tell him you’re having every other weekend because he’s been unreasonable about arranging anything else that works. If he doesn’t like it he can go to court where that’s all he’ll end up with anyway.

You need to get a proper arrangement where you have some weekend time. Don't let him walk all over you, get legal advice if needed.

He sounds basically neglectful- won't even take them to the park - so aside from the unfairness on you, it's not healthy for the kids to spend all their weekends with him either.

Tell (don’t ask) in an email that you will be changing to every other weekend contact now and continue with the riding lessons on your weekends. He can choose whether to take them or not on his weekends. Plus a Wednesday night at dad’s.

So basically he's scared of horses, thinks it's a girls hobby and wants to piss you off.

Just to compare, my totally non horsey parents not only took me to riding lessons, my Dad actually learned to ride so we could go on holiday together. Despite having zero interest in horses.

He's a crap dad, time to sort out an arrangement that suits the children rather than suits him.

You have the boys most of the time. He doesn’t get to ‘refuse’ every other weekend. Message him:
ive been thinking and the boys will do every other weekend with you from now on, that way they have some leisure time with me and I can take them to their riding on my weekend. As I’ve said before, im happy to negotiate that you take them one overnight in the week, or something like Monday night so they could just stay longer at yours on the weekends you have them. They will come to you as usual this weekend then next weekend stay here.

Like he has a chance in hell of taking you to court and getting full custody. You should prepare by doing a log of offered overnights, of what he says about their hobby, what he does for them, the abusive things he says, how he’s angry at their having a party to go to and also that you haven’t bought the present.

Let him take you to court. He won’t get what he wants. He will be offered every other weekend plus midweek. Stop allowing them to go every weekend. Stand up to this vile bully and show him you won’t be pushed around any longer.

Im really unsure as to why you re allowing visitation.

He sounds vile.

Personally i would cut visitation entirely and if he wants to see them he can go to court and get it arranged.

Im also someone that believes a father has an equal right to see their child but his behavior, lack of care and general unwillingness means i would cut it immediately until the courts can provide a better fairer arrangement.