Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

Are the boys happy at their Dads? I’d stop all contact and tell him to head to court as the current arrangement is not working. Block him and tell him to communicate via his solicitor. It will show you just how interested his will be in pursuing this. Your poor kids though.

Tell him you're logging everything, including tablet time, you're having every other weekend, and you'll go through official channels if you have to.

Agree with everyone else -let the fucker take you to court. No way on earth will he get full custody. I'd put money on it being an empty threat; he won't risk having to take them in the week and he's not actually that bothered. He is using them to be an arsehole to you. TELL him (he's been so quick to tell you, kick it back at him) that you will be having them until after horseriding on Saturday and will drop them over afterwards. He can have them Saturday evening until Sunday and in the week if he likes.

Oh and record every episode of abusive language and threats.

If he won’t have them after school that's his problem, you’ve offered, he’s refused. TELL him he can have them every other weekend, no discussion, that’s what’s on offer, if he’s not happy he can take you to court, and he collects the children and returns them too. I’d suggest only communicating via email too and don’t discuss anything else other than contact. Stop pandering to this abusive pathetic excuse for a father. Take back some control as right now he’s running rings round you OP.

My ex tried the every weekend thing and demanded that I drop the children off to him. He wanted my children from after school on a Friday until Sunday, that was a big fat no from me. He threatened and threatened and threatened to take me to court, he never did because he was a mouthpiece. As soon as he realised I wasn’t allowing him to control the situation he limped away with his tail between his legs. Be prepared for him not to turn up for contact though and remember this is HIS choice of he does, not yours.

Put your fucking foot down and say it's every other weekend from now on. Yes I get he's a horrible bully but you don't have to let him bully you ever again.

He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide what the arrangement is. Them having no quality time with you and instead spending every single weekend being with their shit selfish prick of a father is not in the boys best interest. Take this to court. Your ex will not actually attempt full custody because clearly he doesn’t want them all the time, he’s just trying to scare you. But courts will likely at least split the weekends and offer him weekdays too if he wanted them (which he doesn’t). EOW May mean you need to alter the riding lessons so they’re just on your weekend though, which I know complicates that side of things, but it would be worth it. Please go to court over this for your boys sakes.

My daughter rides too and it's the highlight of her week. Horses are great animals for children to work with. I would do my best to find an evening group lesson, if not, fortnightly private lesson for them both.

It's a shame for the boys, but explain that their dad could take them and doesn't want you to on his time.

I wouldn't be handing my kids over to someone who is calling them sissys. Take him to court.

Go to court!!

Instead of doing everything to appease your ex, change the focus of arrangements to what is best for your DC as that’s what the courts will do. How much time do you actually get with them? If you only see them during the week, when do you get to do fun stuff?

EOW plus midweek is completely normal. You could speak to the stables and explain that your ex won’t take them on his weeks (because he’s a controlling sh*tbag) but that you want them to continue with lessons and see if there’s anything they can do.

Do not engage with the verbal abuse. Grey rock. If he’s ranting on the phone etc you say you won’t be spoken to like that and will only discuss things to do with the DC and if he continues you will hang up. If he continues, you hang up. If he’s doing it by text, same principle. If he won’t answer your question, I’d give him a warning you will only discuss XYZ and if he keeps ranting say you’re done and mean it. Keep records of everything.

What he’s doing has nothing to do with what is best for your DC but everything to do with him maintaining control. You’re not with him any longer and do not need to be controlled by him. Him not having them during the week and insisting on having them all weekend where they do nothing but screens is not good for them.

The summer holiday break is hurtling into view so I hope you can get a fair distribution of childcare costs arranged too. Court seems the best solution for you.

You're trying to facilitate a relationship between them and him.

But you can't. Because he's a lazy, abusive dick.

He's enjoying seeing you running yourself ragged.

Honestly, you can't make him be a nice person or a good dad.

Tell him it's every other weekend or court.

Like a pp, I don’t understand why your ex doesn’t get involved in his sons’ interests and take them riding when he has them. It’s part of being a parent to stand and watch your kids participating in sport/hobbies every weekend! Obviously that would mean you didn’t get to do that, so I would try and get an every other weekend arrangement set up, but in the meantime tell him the riding lessons are non-negotiable, and that he’ll have to take the boys, if he has them at the weekend and doesn’t want you picking them up.
It’s extremely unreasonable of him to expect them to give up a weekend activity they enjoy. He should be trying his best to facilitate it for them.

Why did you just give in about the weekends. You do know if he took you to court and actually said he couldn't have them during the week, not one judge would give him every weekend? That's why it's either 50/50 ish or every other weekend. They NEED downtime with you too. He can demand all he wants, put you and the kids first and tell him no. He can take you to court if he wants to.
Start speaking up for yourself or the next 15 years are going to be a shitshow.

Your court plan needs to include a record of the parental conflict and unnecessary communications. Ask for a contact book arrangement and outline clearly that any email and phone contact will solely be for emergencies. Then go out and get the smallest yearly calendar you can find and that goes back and forth with the kids each handover.

Also include in this agreement that it is his responsibility to appraise himself of any communications from school and get it in the child arrangement order.

My ex thought I was his and the children’s PA and didn’t bother (still doesn’t) with parents evenings and then was demanding updates and said in court I didn’t keep him up to date on important children’s matters. My barrister pointed out that he had access to the same apps and received all the newsletters from school and the school has his number for emergencies.

This is perfect !

Stand your ground OP. You are doing all the heavy lifting here and hes being a bully.
Riding lessons aren't the underlying issue and it will just never stop as you've seen from the party update. You have to let go by the way for the weekends that aren't yours.
I used to simply reply and say I don't know if DS can go, please check with Dad as it's his weekend.
And if Dad forgot present or whatever then that's also not your problem. He can be embarrassed by that. If DS asks if he's going then you have to also say I don't know sweetie, you'll have to check with Daddy when you see him next.

It's really tough. But not your weekend = not your problem

I wouldn't be suggesting every other weekend because of the riding lessons. It would be more practical for you to keep them until after the riding lesson (making it as early on Saturday as possible) and then he could pick them up from there or you could drop them off.

Do you not work? Otherwise I'm not sure why he thinks he can't have the DC in the week because of work.

Definitely keep records of what you have offered and his response, and also of what he says about their hobby.

This is ridiculous. He could take themto horseriding surely? What a vile excuse of a dad

Honestly? No. They hate going because they're bored to tears! It seems like all they do is sit in their bedroom and play on their tablets.

(which annoys me - I'm trying to reduce the amount of screen time but their dad isn't bothered!)

I have tried. There's nowhere close doing group lessons on weeknights. I've done private lessons but they really benefit from the group and having other kids about too.

He sounds like an absolute......treat 😒

OP why didn’t you do this through the courts at the beginning? Would it be right to assume he’s always been an abusive arsehole with no interest in his children?

did you leave him?

I do work which is why the kids are in breakfast and after school club.

I did leave him when he left me in hospital with a bag of wet clothes, no toiletries, nothing I'd asked him to bring.

He sounds vile. Let him take you to court- he’s an asshole.