Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

This is how it's going.

I'm totally fucking sick of his attitude and he's not seeing the boys this weekend. I've also just found out that his girlfriend called my oldest kiddo "a horrible spoilt brat" to his face, and the pair of them have the kids on tenterhooks so badly they're both in tears about going already.

With that update I'd stop him seeing them. Let him take you to court -I'd put money on him not bothering. I couldn't send my tearful, scared kids to that situation.

Nah I'd let him take you to court Nd get it sorted properly

Why was your Mam having them if it was his weekend? I'm confused...

And hopefully they don't actually have a 6pm bedtime as I'd expect more 8pm, especially at weekends.

I imagine if a Judge saw these screenshots threatening to withhold money you'd definitely have a case to show him up as a negative influence in the kids' life.

CM isn't pay per view, what a tosser.
Let him take you to court op, poor kids having to put up with him.

They don't go to bed at 6pm, more like 8/8:30!!

There's an event on that my parents want to take them to - it's only on one day and they've been really excited to go. They said they'd meet him there and go together but he refused. He had them all last weekend too and has repeatedly refused to see them through the week.

Littlest kiddo is convinced that his dad hates him "because all he does is shout" 😕😕😕

I'm not quite clear on who sent what in those screenshot but you both seemed quite aggressive with each other. If your mother wanted them then I don't think it's unreasonable for you to produce details for him. He should not need to ask your mum directly.

I thought there would be reasonable answers for both x he really is a depressing and pointless individual isn't he?

I think you may need to get some formal judgement about visiting and money. He is threatening to apply for full custody but your kids don't feel safe with him and that will be any Judge's main priority. Getting a Judgement means he won't be able to use it as a form of emotional abuse x

You sound stronger op, stick to keeping every second weekend. He is just making any crap he can think of up.

I havent read everything, but reading just those text messages you both sound like you're point scoring and being passive aggressive! It doesn't seem one sided.

Take the wanker to court. He doesn't get to dictate when he sees them. I wouldn't be messaging so much though as he just draws you into a fight and it's not worth it (you can't argue with stupid)

He'd been getting at me all day tbh and I was at the end of my temper.

He has the details of the event and knows what's happening. He's just trying to grind me down.

He's really annoying, but you could have just answered the question. Neither of you come of great in those messages.

If he's grinding you down, just answer with a fact. "As previously stated: 10 am" or whatever. Don't get angry in messages. Just be factual.

I had already answered him!

I believe you, so just repeat, without emotion.

"Per my last message/conversation/whatever: 10 am".

And keep repeating. Whatever nonsense he says/does: GREY ROCK.

He is trying to goad you into reacting and he is succeeding. Don't let him.

I agree, I know it’s frustrating but you have to deal with him better.

Deep breath - stay reasonable.

I would absolutely go to court for a different pattern.

Like this weekend you have them Friday to Saturday PM and they can go riding - then he has them Saturday tea time and takes them to school on Monday.

Your job is to make them available - not drop them here there and everywhere:

Get a solicitor and sort it out once and for all.

I agree with this @OhMoreDrama . You're letting him get to you and as much as I'd want to clock him one if I were you, it doesn't serve any purpose to let him see he's upsetting you. It's also giving him ammo to use on you. Don't do that.

I think I suggested this upthread, but it may be time to institute 'emails only' with a special email box just for him. Texts are so in your face and prompt an immediate and often unwise response. Emails aren't seen until you're in the right frame of mind to open them. Then you have time to compose yourself (and a response) before giving them an answer.

And I also agree with others, time for court for an official access schedule and if he withholds maintenance, for wage garnishing by CMS.

Some of the best advice I’ve had so far on dealing with my ex is to take a pause before replying so that you can respond & not react.

It’s so hard to do when they come out with a load of rubbish & you desperately want to defend yourself, but like others have said all this does is give him ammunition.

It helped me in the early days to picture my ex getting a buzz/thrill off reading any messages I sent, so I make them as boring/plain/to the point as I can. It did make it worse for a while as they’ll try all sorts of tactics to get a rise, but it’s helped protect my peace & sanity!

Appreciate it's easier said than done. I hope you’ve got a good support network around you, let them (or us here!) be the ones you vent to in order to get it all out - he just gets the business-like responses from you, no emotion.

I agree with the others, don't reply right away and when you do keep it calm and factual.

Personally I'd stick to what you'd already said. Split the weekends in half every week. You Friday afternoon to Saturday after riding. Then him Saturday after riding to either Sunday evening or Monday morning making it clear he's welcome to have them Sunday night and drop them at school to breakfast club. Also offering midweek again.

My kids dad works full time and has the kids mid week. Sometimes overnight and sometimes for tea but it being a work/school day doesn't stop him seeing the kids. Because he actively wants to parent them and spend time with them. Unlike this tosser.

Send a text reiterating the new pattern you are offering, and leave the ball in his court. State he is welcome to see the kids, they deserve quality time with both of you each week and you're changing the pattern for the boy's best interests.

Don't engage with him anymore directly about child maintenance. If he doesn't pay it, don't chase him! Just get straight on the phone to CMS and get them to take it up with him. Honestly this is the best path anyway and I'd consider doing it now BEFORE he decides not to pay you one month. I eventually switched to CMS with my first ex and wished I'd done it earlier. It took all his control away and meant I never ever had to discuss maintenance with him ever again. After the first few responses from me of "please discuss maintenance with CMS directly" he gave up. He also ended up paying me a lot more too so it backfired on him massively. I'd not wanted more money, just for him to stop holding it over me as a control tool/threat.

I'd suggest you speak to the children's school well being person too about them being upset and not wanting to go to dads. Ask if the school can offer any support to the kids, and also ask if they can log it so it's on record that you've spoken to them about it and asked they help the kids through how they're feeling. Mention to them about how Dad is calling their hobby a "sissy" hobby and the girlfriend calling them a spoilt brat etc.

I'd do all this via email to him and to the school. It keeps it all "in writing" for if it does go to court or if you need to stop contact down the line.

You are absolutely not eating into ‘his time’ you are taking a lot of time out of your child free time to take them to an activity solely because he can’t be bothered to take them. I would be pushing for a formal agreement of EOW and he has to take them horse riding on his weekend.
I know it’s hard …… my ex has the children EOW. He will have them from when he finishes work on Friday night until Sunday afternoon but he refuses to take time out of work to pick them up after school on Friday or have them on a Sunday evening . I also work but part time as he refuses to do a fair share of child care over the school holidays or have them on a Friday after school.
They also sit in his house staring at screens and rarely go anywhere or do anything remotely fun it’s very frustrating as I’d love more time to do fun things with them

There's an event on that my parents want to take them to - it's only on one day and they've been really excited to go. They said they'd meet him there and go together but he refused.

but he clearly didn’t “refuse”. He is asking you what time they want to meet!!

you did not answer him

you told him to ask your mam