Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

@CatamaranViper absolutely re the writing.

OP STOP this now for the boys sake.

Offer each alternate weekend, or each Sunday to Tuesday. If he won't do it, the offer is there.

If it goes to alternate weekend, ride twice your weekend.

You are getting no fun time and neither are your children.

@ByPeachSeal bang out of order ? For arranging something the children enjoy

He has a right to say no, he does not have a right to behave like an awful abusive peace of shit.

it’s an ongoing issue for many parents- I run a dance school and have had so many children have to give up their beloved dance lessons because the other parent refuses to bring them during “their” time. Unfortunately it’s not a case of moving the classes during the week- our timetable is jam
packed and we have the older children’s classes on weeekday evenings. It’s sad to see children missing out on activities because of this, especially when it’s a case of one parent trying to get one over on the other.

Call his bluff, let him take you to court. I expect he won’t even bother, the arsehole. It’s not reasonable to expect every single weekend, so he gets all the downtime with the boys and you don’t get any at all, and it’s not fair on the boys either who obviously enjoy their time riding and who clearly would love to spend more leisure time with you.

Then OP shouldn’t have agreed to that. But she did, and signed the kids up for stuff on his time. That’s not okay.

On someone else’s time, yes. It’s not okay to dictate how dad spends his time with his kids.

Agreed. I didn’t say otherwise.

Yes this op! He gets the best deal here. He needs to step up and court will sort him out. Keep proof of the abuse.

OP, I think Court will be your only option.
They will want to see that you and your ex have made some effort to resolve the situation yourself.

How do I make child arrangements when I split from my partner? is a good place to start. There is a link on that page to Help in Planning Together for Children - a Cafcass page, which then points to Parenting Plan guidelines.

You can represent yourself in court and it's not too expensive.

I had a mental Post-it note saying "what's best for the child", which really helped me separate my feelings towards wanting to kill my ex and what was best for our son.

I really hope that you go to court because it’s benefitting nobody and things are going to get worse because he knows that you’ll back down easily.

You can insist that he does one of the drop offs/pick ups and I suggest that contact with dad is after riding on Saturday to Sunday. If you stick with Friday 4pm then get it written into the Child Arrangement Order that he picks up from school. He’s available at 4pm and lives 15 minutes away so no excuse.

Is there any way you could speak to the riding school and other parents there about lifts for your boys?
Sounds extremely unfair that you get no weekend time, but going every other weekend doesn't sound like it would fix this specific issue on his weeks

@OhMoreDrama doing it his way means he is still controlling your life. Is that the model you want for your kids? He won’t take you for sole custody because that would mean he loses control AND has to look after the kids. Decide on what might work for you (alternating weekends or 50:50) and get some legal advice/mediation and get a formal agreement in place.

This arrangement isn't at all fair on your DC, they do not get enough quality time with you. I'd suggest every other weekend, if he insists on court (you'll need to do mediation first) enthusiastically agree with him. If he says he is going for sole custody tell him no need after all, you're surely happy with 50/50 with equal school and weekend times. Courts do not award sole custody to a parent unless he can prove that you are a serious danger to your DC. Unless he has proof that you have severely neglected your DC, abused them, that you are severely mentally impaired or a serious drug addict they would not award him more than 50/50, with fair school time and weekends.

Your ex sounds emotionally abusive. Contact womens aid for support. It is called the aftermath, and they can offer guidance, support, and counselling.

Take him to court over contact arrangements. You can do it yourself. Simply Google "family contact form, family courts" or the like.

There is a fee. The last time I did one with someone for their issues, it was £225. That was a couple of years ago now.

Caffcass will interview you all and the children to be the mediator.

You simply tick the check box about contact issues breakdown.

I'm presuming from what you say he won't take the boys too horseriding even though you pay.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

He’s an abusive arse. Take him to court for fairer contact. 🌺

Sorry to read about his threatening words and behaviour.

Agree that courts are unfair but perhaps their hands are tied by laws largely made by men. Divorce reform was introduced by a minister who was known subsequently to have had several affairs.

This

What a cunt. As if he’d either want or get sole custody over

I would switch to after the riding lessons so Saturday 4pm to Sunday 4,pm. You could offer he could take them to school Monday and have more time in holidays.

I also suggest fighting for every other weekend because as your kids get older, they will want to do stuff at weekends like see friends or other hobbies/sport and should be allowed to.

Once kids are 11/12 ish, a judge would allow them to choose how much contact they have with each parent. If they are forced to go to dads then it’s almost inevitable that they will beg you for help to get out of it and considering your ex’s “my way or the highway “ stance, you’re going to have trouble. You’re looking at a high chance of contact ending because ex or your son refuses.

I have teens/young adults and think it’s very important that contact changes as the kids get older and is centred around what is beneficial for them rather than what suits the adults.My ex isn’t great but he was 100% in the right to allow our kids to go to occasional sleepovers over contact or pick up at a different time so our kids could see friends.

What do you think he’d do if you refused contact ? Would he take you to court ? What do you think he’d do if he heard that you were enjoying all of your free weekend time ? 😉 Many vindictive ex’s hate the idea of their ex dating and having child-free fun with friends.

From the outside he sounds like an abusive arsehole and you are allowing him to control both you and your sons despite the fact you've split up. Somebody who respects you as the Mother of his children does not call you a cunt.

What happens in a few years when the boys want to go out with friend's at the weekend. Is he going to call them cunts too?

Stop bending over backwards to do everything that he wants, stand up for yourself and get some proper 2 sided custody arrangements in place.

What everyone else has said, except I don't think every other weekend will work given how unhelpful he is with the boys' hobby. Wouldn't it be better to insist that you have them every Saturday, then they stay at their Dad's on Saturday night and he has them every Sunday? That way they can at least have one fun, active day every weekend.

Ignore him (I say this as someone with a similar ex). He’s lazy and selfish. He clearly likes bullying you. Start ignoring him, keep taking the kids riding. And tell him kids are going to come to him every other weekend.
he might take you to court, he probably won’t. it’ll cost a couple of hundred for him to file plus he has to fill out paperwork- could he/ would he be arsed?
Court is hell/ I’ve been many times but even in my (frankly awful and typical) experience courts won’t agree to every weekend, especially when dad is so geographically close. Courts can also put into an order that dad must make kids available for activities.

I hope you have 50:50 holidays and you get cms.
be strong in the end the kids will see him for who he is.

This is not ideal for anyone. The kids getting shunted around and nobody can make any weekend plans. Ever.

OP if you're in London - we have two ponies at a kids' friendly yard that they could potentially take lessons on (the instructor gives lessons during the week as well) - depending on your sons' size and abilities.