Page 11 | To be irritated that my dh couldn’t just buy the kids a souvenir each

LameBorzoi · 25/05/2024 05:43

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 25/05/2024 04:50

You've picked out sugar to argue with, from the many examples of non-sugary options mentioned in this thread.

If you don't like buying your kids little gifts or don't want other people to that's fine, but as you say, not everyone sees it that way so why quizz them over it instead of just accepting differences?

This thread was actually about a shitty choice of gift, the OP and her husband weren't in disagreement over whether he should buy one in the first place.

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Well it kind of is.

OP's partner didn't really want to buy a present.

OP suggested he buy a present

OP's partner obligingly spends EUR24 at the airport, on what is probably one of the cheapest things there

Apparently "that's not good enough".

Multiple posters on mumsnet: "why didn't he just get a bag of haribo?" ( ie sugar)
.
.
.
There is no obligation to buy something just because he's been away. It was OP's idea, not his.

If someone wants to buy a present because they have been away, that's fine. But OP's husband is not a thoughtless father just because he didn't want to buy something.

LameBorzoi · 25/05/2024 05:54

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 25/05/2024 04:50

You've picked out sugar to argue with, from the many examples of non-sugary options mentioned in this thread.

If you don't like buying your kids little gifts or don't want other people to that's fine, but as you say, not everyone sees it that way so why quizz them over it instead of just accepting differences?

This thread was actually about a shitty choice of gift, the OP and her husband weren't in disagreement over whether he should buy one in the first place.

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I mean, I enjoy buying my kids presents SOMETIMES. It's just that I don't want to HAVE to buy a present just because I've been away. This present wasn't OP's husband's idea - it was OP's.

AnneNotEmily · 25/05/2024 06:18

OldPerson · 24/05/2024 20:57

If you worked as a team with your husband, none of this would be important.

You sent three texts a day? Why? He was working during work hours - so why keep texting?

Your small children needed to know he was thinking of them. That's your job. You're the only parent in the house when he's away. It's not hard to reassure them.

You could have managed all things children.

You could have called your husband once or twice when away and discussed all happy things home.

Alternatively there could be some underlying reason why you're so angry and petty and resentful. Is husband not faithful?

But my husband and I have both had to work abroad for work from a few days to a few weeks. The focus was always on keeping the routines going for the children. There was an occasional souvenir, but children don't care. You can just make it pizza night because mummy or daddy is home and they get all excited.

So why are you so angry? It's not because daddy didn't buy a packet of sweets from abroad.

@OldPerson you’ve missed the point of OPs post quite spectacularly. I’m sure she’s able to parent perfectly well by herself and you’ve no idea if those 3 texts a day were during work hours or not. She doesn’t sound particularly angry or petty, just annoyed that he brought 1 gift for 2 children which let’s face it is a stupid and thoughtless thing to do.

OP I’ve no idea if he is thoughtless most of the time but on this occasion I think he has been. I’d just tell him that he can deal with any arguments that arise because of the one toy and refer the children to him every time. He might engage his brain a bit more next time.

Nanaof1 · 25/05/2024 07:02

OldPerson · 24/05/2024 20:57

If you worked as a team with your husband, none of this would be important.

You sent three texts a day? Why? He was working during work hours - so why keep texting?

Your small children needed to know he was thinking of them. That's your job. You're the only parent in the house when he's away. It's not hard to reassure them.

You could have managed all things children.

You could have called your husband once or twice when away and discussed all happy things home.

Alternatively there could be some underlying reason why you're so angry and petty and resentful. Is husband not faithful?

But my husband and I have both had to work abroad for work from a few days to a few weeks. The focus was always on keeping the routines going for the children. There was an occasional souvenir, but children don't care. You can just make it pizza night because mummy or daddy is home and they get all excited.

So why are you so angry? It's not because daddy didn't buy a packet of sweets from abroad.

Wow, I looked up "pompous" in the dictionary and this post was its definition!

Small world!

Luio · 25/05/2024 07:31

It is up to your husband to let his children know that he was thinking of them. It is fake if it comes via you. Presumably he has his own ways of showing he cares and they won’t be the same as yours. If he doesn’t care then the children will find out fairly soon so there isn’t much point in dragging it out.

VJBR · 25/05/2024 07:47

OldPerson · 24/05/2024 20:57

If you worked as a team with your husband, none of this would be important.

You sent three texts a day? Why? He was working during work hours - so why keep texting?

Your small children needed to know he was thinking of them. That's your job. You're the only parent in the house when he's away. It's not hard to reassure them.

You could have managed all things children.

You could have called your husband once or twice when away and discussed all happy things home.

Alternatively there could be some underlying reason why you're so angry and petty and resentful. Is husband not faithful?

But my husband and I have both had to work abroad for work from a few days to a few weeks. The focus was always on keeping the routines going for the children. There was an occasional souvenir, but children don't care. You can just make it pizza night because mummy or daddy is home and they get all excited.

So why are you so angry? It's not because daddy didn't buy a packet of sweets from abroad.

Gosh. Aren’t you so perfect. If we could only all aspire to be like you. What a wankerish comment.

AppleStrudel23 · 25/05/2024 07:51

EmilyTheCriminal · 23/05/2024 17:49

3 texts a day!!! That's a bit much.

3 texts a day is too much? 👀..

When my husband is away, often it's been for a month or at least a few weeks before his visa got sorted or sometimes it's just overnight when he has to go for his exams in another country we'll text lots and lots. He'll update me and want updates from me, he'll call me every evening and we'll talk on the phone even for 10 minutes every morning..

Also when I've been on work trips men have gone up to their hotel room early to call their wives and say goodnight to their children and they send them pictures or updates through the day. I'm just really surprised 3 texts a day is considered needy especially when he's not calling them to say goodnight or anything. Horses for courses!

AppleStrudel23 · 25/05/2024 07:59

Shitvenir · 23/05/2024 17:47

Instead of a random plush to share?

He’s been away with work for a week. One FaceTime in all that time. Most of my text’s unanswered (I only sent 3 a day tops). It wasn’t his idea to bring something back for them, I suggested it might be nice so they knew he was thinking of them. A bag of sweets they wouldn’t get at home or something small, even a bloody pen each surely would be nicer than a stuffed animal that neither of them can have in their bed without the other being upset? I just wanted him to be a bit thoughtful.

Ok this could be controversial advice but maybe if it works it works

I read some super old timey book about how to get what you want from your husband from the 1920's I believe and it basically said in short your husband won't change if you force him you have to let him be and really reward good behaviour and work out how to live with him.

I think that's super questionable on some matters and can be seen as outdated. However! it actually works really well and for any men too (e.g men I work along side or my dad). You don't nag them or anything but you make it a really positive thing so when he bought the toy back you say how thoughtful it was of him and how the children love it when they get a treat from him etc and it's like pavlova dog. He feels like a good father so then he'd want to keep being a good father. In the book it said they hate nagging so will start avoiding you if you nag or tell them off etc so you have to do positive reinforcement.

I know that sounds mental but actually my life has become so much easier and I'm not sassy anymore and I've actually given my husband room to function how he wants to the best of his ability without me interfering and picking apart some stuff he does (I'm not saying you do that, it's just my personal experience)

A bit weird but maybe worth a try?

Winnading · 25/05/2024 08:09

FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain · 23/05/2024 19:33

@AzureSheep "Right, but you could find time while you’re in the toilet to just reply “sorry, work crazy xx”

Between work finishing and dinner starting, you could, if you actually wanted to, say “just going to call my kids to say goodnight, back in 10 mins”. There’s literally no reason you can’t do that, apart from “I’m doing life saving surgery, fighting an actual fire”.

Sorry, but there’s no way as an actual professional who’s expected to travel abroad, that you don’t have the power to say “I’m taking a break”."

No, actually it doesn't work like that. For a start the timezones are generally completely out of sync so there's only a couple of hours in the day when we could feasibly communicate. Also my husband and child are more than aware that I have no free time on these trips and compress as much as possible into the shortest possible time to reduce the overall length of the trip so I can get home to them. They wouldn't expect me to have to check and reply to my personal messages while I'm on the toilet because that 5 minutes while I pee and wash my hands may be the only few minutes of 'downtime' I get.

That's bullshit, you eat like the rest of us. You get at least 20 minutes to eat twice a day.
No one is saying you must call at a certain time to say goodnight, just reply to a text. And if your family isnt worth a less than one minute text response 3 times a day, you've got your priorities wrong.
So to be clear a text at waking up time, lunch and bed time. Less than 3 minutes of your entire day. No they likely wont match up time wise to their sent texts, but that's not a problem.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/05/2024 08:11

AppleStrudel23 · 25/05/2024 07:59

Ok this could be controversial advice but maybe if it works it works

I read some super old timey book about how to get what you want from your husband from the 1920's I believe and it basically said in short your husband won't change if you force him you have to let him be and really reward good behaviour and work out how to live with him.

I think that's super questionable on some matters and can be seen as outdated. However! it actually works really well and for any men too (e.g men I work along side or my dad). You don't nag them or anything but you make it a really positive thing so when he bought the toy back you say how thoughtful it was of him and how the children love it when they get a treat from him etc and it's like pavlova dog. He feels like a good father so then he'd want to keep being a good father. In the book it said they hate nagging so will start avoiding you if you nag or tell them off etc so you have to do positive reinforcement.

I know that sounds mental but actually my life has become so much easier and I'm not sassy anymore and I've actually given my husband room to function how he wants to the best of his ability without me interfering and picking apart some stuff he does (I'm not saying you do that, it's just my personal experience)

A bit weird but maybe worth a try?

Show quote history

So the OP has to parent her DH now as well? My DH doesn’t need positive reinforcement from me to FaceTime our children. Their happiness talking to him is enough. He doesn’t need positive reinforcement from me to know that one cuddly toy between two is stupid and going to lead to upset.

LameBorzoi · 25/05/2024 08:18

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/05/2024 08:11

So the OP has to parent her DH now as well? My DH doesn’t need positive reinforcement from me to FaceTime our children. Their happiness talking to him is enough. He doesn’t need positive reinforcement from me to know that one cuddly toy between two is stupid and going to lead to upset.

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I think this can be just an aspect of communication skills. Mindfulness about your partner's positive qualities is kind of essential for long term relationships.

And I don't think choosing not to spend 50 euro on soft toys is a stupid decision. I'd be a bit annoyed if my partner kept spending that kind of money on stuff ( that I end up having to keep tidy) just because he's on a work trip!

pollymere · 25/05/2024 11:16

That present smacks of "whoops, I forgot to get the kids something" and possibly a free bit of merch he grabbed in desperation 😂. I still have my swan from KLM...

AppleStrudel23 · 25/05/2024 12:40

@BeingATwatItsABingThing Congratulations that you and your husband are different. Not everyone is the same as you, do you realise that?

I'm not sure what you're expecting here. "Oh that persons husband doesn't need that kind of thing so no one does!".

I was suggesting something different, I wasn't giving advice to you I was replying to the other person. Have a great day!

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 25/05/2024 12:47

Buying a present to share (of that type; not a board game) is worse than no present. He only did it because you asked him to.

If he is otherwise an attentive and engaged father I’d chalk it up to experience and let him get on with work next time he is away. If he’s a bit of a thoughtless dick I’d have a serious conversation.

As to the texting. Every couple is different. A bit more than I would do probably (but I’d also be working) but nothing so excessive to require people to say it was oppressive.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/05/2024 15:20

LameBorzoi · 25/05/2024 08:18

I think this can be just an aspect of communication skills. Mindfulness about your partner's positive qualities is kind of essential for long term relationships.

And I don't think choosing not to spend 50 euro on soft toys is a stupid decision. I'd be a bit annoyed if my partner kept spending that kind of money on stuff ( that I end up having to keep tidy) just because he's on a work trip!

Edited

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Of course I know my DH’s positive qualities. I don’t patronisingly praise them to get him to behave how I want him to.

How much the toy cost is irrelevant. It was buying one that was the issue. He could have bought something much smaller for each of them with less upset.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/05/2024 15:23

AppleStrudel23 · 25/05/2024 12:40

@BeingATwatItsABingThing Congratulations that you and your husband are different. Not everyone is the same as you, do you realise that?

I'm not sure what you're expecting here. "Oh that persons husband doesn't need that kind of thing so no one does!".

I was suggesting something different, I wasn't giving advice to you I was replying to the other person. Have a great day!

Not everyone is like us? Nope. I had no idea. 🙄

This suggestion puts more work on the OP to manage her DH’s behaviour rather than him taking responsibility for himself.

AnnaBegins · 25/05/2024 15:35

Blimey! A gift each is a minimum!

I was just away for 2 weeks and picking up a pack of sweets was the first thing I did just incase I didn't get chance to properly shop.

Each child got 2 souvenir type things, a small wooden toy from a market, a small bag of sweets each, plus a bag of sweets and a pack of biscuits to share.

DH sent me at least 4 WhatsApp messages each day and we video called every other day.

I think I'd have to say to him that a gift each would have been much more appropriate.

Waterlooo · 25/05/2024 15:46

It isn’t the end of the world if he doesn’t bring his kids a gift back from a business trip.

Honestly OP I would have just left it. I’d be more annoyed if he spent twice as much money on twice as much tat.

A small plush isn’t a big deal.

Samlewis96 · 25/05/2024 15:53

AppleStrudel23 · 25/05/2024 07:59

Ok this could be controversial advice but maybe if it works it works

I read some super old timey book about how to get what you want from your husband from the 1920's I believe and it basically said in short your husband won't change if you force him you have to let him be and really reward good behaviour and work out how to live with him.

I think that's super questionable on some matters and can be seen as outdated. However! it actually works really well and for any men too (e.g men I work along side or my dad). You don't nag them or anything but you make it a really positive thing so when he bought the toy back you say how thoughtful it was of him and how the children love it when they get a treat from him etc and it's like pavlova dog. He feels like a good father so then he'd want to keep being a good father. In the book it said they hate nagging so will start avoiding you if you nag or tell them off etc so you have to do positive reinforcement.

I know that sounds mental but actually my life has become so much easier and I'm not sassy anymore and I've actually given my husband room to function how he wants to the best of his ability without me interfering and picking apart some stuff he does (I'm not saying you do that, it's just my personal experience)

A bit weird but maybe worth a try?

Show quote history

Bit like teaching a toddler then . But yeah the psychology of the that usually works

Samlewis96 · 25/05/2024 15:55

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/05/2024 08:11

So the OP has to parent her DH now as well? My DH doesn’t need positive reinforcement from me to FaceTime our children. Their happiness talking to him is enough. He doesn’t need positive reinforcement from me to know that one cuddly toy between two is stupid and going to lead to upset.

Show quote history

The kids being happy to speak to him is positive reinforcement. Doesn't necessarily matter WHO does it

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/05/2024 16:18

Samlewis96 · 25/05/2024 15:55

The kids being happy to speak to him is positive reinforcement. Doesn't necessarily matter WHO does it

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Natural positive reinforcement rather than the OP trying to modify his behaviour like you would a small child.

Zanatdy · 25/05/2024 16:24

3 tests is nothing, my ex texts me more than that most days. How can anyone think that’s too much, he’s not working 24hrs a day

Samlewis96 · 25/05/2024 16:52

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/05/2024 16:18

Natural positive reinforcement rather than the OP trying to modify his behaviour like you would a small child.

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Same effect.

Have you studied psychology?

Ownedbykitties · 25/05/2024 17:10

ByPeachSeal · 23/05/2024 17:57

Are you joking? DH and I text 20+ times a day while he’s at work! It would be even more if he was away, though we would never take trips alone.

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Wow! How do either of you get anything done? Do you fit all these texts in in your lunch and break times?

Original poster

Shitvenir · 25/05/2024 18:52

Thanks everyone who has posted here. I’ve really enjoyed the comments, even the batshit ones. Everything is fine here, dh and I are on good terms. The kids were lovely when he got back, just so happy to see him. Bemused by the souvenir but very polite… although dd did ask me the next morning if he had another souvenir for them 🤣 She’s not grabby at all, just loves souvenirs because she’s interested in different places/cultures. He has been very thoughtful with them in the past, brought back an Eiffel tower for her and a gargoyle for ds when he was in Paris last year and they are treasured.

OP posts: