To think my mum should keep her disappointment to herself

[spiralstair]

Just found out we're having a boy and we're very exited so told my mum and she sounded visibly disappointed saying I imagined you to have a daughter, she then went on to say there's something very special about having a daughter and a mum/daughter bond maybe you'll get one next time.
She now keeps saying every time the baby is mentioned how strange it feels that I'm having a boy and that she keeps picturing a girl.

Then the last straw is how she keeps looking at all the lovely dresses in the shops and has to drag herself away reminding herself it's a boy.
She's really taken the shine off this pregnancy and I'm starting to feel really angry and avoid the subject.
I have told her I'm exited to be having a boy, I'm wondering if she's trying to relive having me through my baby or why is she finding it so strange that my baby is a little boy.

She needs to get a grip. My daughter is having my first grandchild later this year. I admit I was envisioning a gorgeous little girl like her, imagining this fictional girl n the family christening gown etc. have discovered it’s a boy. So excited for her can’t wait to meet him. All that matters is that he’s healthy.
Tell her to back off as she’s sucking the joy out of your pregnancy.

good luck and enjoy your baby boy 🧒

my god another batshit grandparent in the making. Is she gonna keep up the disappointment when your son is born? Are all his milestones going to be disappointing, his achievements? Tell her firmly to get over it and stop before she ruins your relationship. (boys are great btw, congrats)

Why do people feel so passionately about having a boy or girl? Or even a baby? They're all hard work - and the biggest commitment, hard work, expense, self-sacrifice we all make in our lives.

I think you need to understand what is driving your mother? She might be going through some kind of grief or emotional disturbance that we all are not understanding. But it's obviously very real to her, when she's behaving like a dick.

Bacause seriously, you would not be letting all this resentment build up, instead of calling her out on her behaviour? If you think she's just being a dick, call her out on her behaviour and have a rant at her. If you think there's emotional issues going on, get her to see a therapist. Because you both need to be clear on what role she will play as a grandmother.

But also go all out on celebrating a boy.

If she weren’t trying to cause offense, she would stop mentioning it. She doesn’t care if she causes you off fence. She just wants to say what she wants to say and not get in trouble for it.

My Mum said it was a shame when I found out baby was a boy but she only ever wanted girls and I didn’t take offence, she adored my de when he was born and still does now he is almost 30.

Take no notice of her.
On the other side of the coin, my father was disappointed because he had daughters but wanted a son.

I'd tell her how disappointed you are with her behaviour and ask her how she would feel in your shoes. If you're happy then she's supposed to be happy for you and keep your spirits up. It doesn't even count that parents might want one sex or the other so where does she think her chances sit - nowhere!

You need to say something soon for your own sake or she's just gonna ruin your relationship and your health xx

As a mum of a 16 month old boy, I can’t imagine having a girl - but I will caveat that to say that pre pregnancy, if I was being asked what I would prefer, I always said girl in an ideal world. It’s okay to have an idea / preconceived notion in your head, but your mum needs to accept this, and also keep her opinion to herself, sorry she is being like this.

It doesn’t sound like you feel influenced by your mums opinion anyway, but for what it’s worth, a friend of mine has a boy and girl, has told me that the mother and boy bond is (also) just so special. I just couldn’t imagine it one way or another until baby was here but now I see what she means 🥰 he is the absolute light of my life and I love being a boy mum. He’s so cuddly with me versus my partner although I’m sure that will change when he is pub drinking age 🤣 I am sure that mothers of daughters will say the exact same. My point being that all children are so special and you will love them so much. Your mum included once they are here, I’m sure. It could even just be her confidence if she doesn’t have sons herself? Who knows. But congratulations on your pregnancy and hope you are keeping well 💐 x

How upsetting for you .
Just what does she think she can do with a baby granddaughter that she can’t do with a baby grandson?
As they become toddlers , then small children, both boys and girls play with soft toys 🧸 , building blocks, cars 🚗 paint and play dough .
I really don’t understand her and it’s hurtful for you .

We used a silly pet name for my bump. My IL assumed this meant it was a boy. They were really excited. We hadn't planned on finding out but all was revealed at a scan that showed sex as female. They totally lost interest - especially my FIL. This was their first grandchild so it was particularly hurtful. They weren't much better after the birth.

The twist? Said child is trans and now they can't accept him as a boy... Ironically he'd have loved to have done all the stuff my FIL planned but wasn't allowed to because of being a girl...

Maybe your DM has second sight and was convinced it was a girl so is having to adjust ideas. (Maybe you're carrying wide?) My DM told me that I'd have red haired twins so people were surprised when I only had one red haired baby. But of course, in some ways, I've got "twins". I'd be turning around to her when she next whines and say she's welcome to buy your baby a dress... 😂

I think DH has got a better relationship with his mum than I’ve got with mine. My mum didn’t even tell me she loved me until I was in my teens and that was only after I said it first. She gets moody and stroppy over ridiculous things and is hard to talk to. I kind of wish my mum was far more like DH’s mum.

My mother in law asked me if I was disappointed when we had two boys I told her 'hell no' I couldn't see myself having a girl. Her reply was 'I was disappointed that I had two boys'.....her second son is my husband. I never saw her in the same light after that.

i have two girls. When pregnant with my second and finding out she was a girl too, i rang my dad and step mum to share the news. She told me ‘what a shame’.
I was so upset. Any child is a blessing.

Your mother will see your little baby and totally adore him!

She doesn't have being a mother to a son in her realm of experience... so she's just being her normal expressive self and saying things without thinking.
Your mother only knows girls.
Soon you and she will know and love little boys.

Get her involved with setting up the nursery (especially with some unisex toys, clothes, books and furniture.)
Ask her to STOP commenting about having a grandson or you will drive her home.
Keep telling her that you are havning one child and that a healthy child is your ultimate wish.

This is honestly disgusting behaviour on the part of your mum, and I bet if you look back over your life with her, you will begin to recognise many moments where you've had to set your feelings aside and look at her in the most charitable way possible in order to view her as someone "truthful" as opposed to someone egocentric and cruel.

If she had perhaps had one brief outburst or comment where she wasn't putting your feelings to the front and just mentioned that she had been hoping for a girl, it would still be appalling and childish, but it would possibly be forgivable. As it is what she's saying is so mean and so tone deaf that I would expect better from a 7-year-old.

I have quite a bit of experience with a narcissistic parent, and I unfortunately can guarantee you that this behaviour will continue and unless you keep an eye on her interactions with your children, it will hurt them too. Now is your moment to start setting some boundaries for her. Tell her this line of thought and what she keeps saying hurts you and if she keeps it up you're going to do all your baby preparation with friends instead of with her. When your kids are born, she behaves herself or her time with them is limited, end of story. She may or may not be able to change the way she thinks or feels, but if she makes an arguement that she should be able to express her feelings or that she can't control what she says, then treat her like the child she's being and sit her in time out while you go shopping for baby clothes with people who respect how you feel.

And I'm so sorry that your mother is behaving like this, congratulations on your beautiful son to be!!. My first is a boy and there is absolutely the most incredible bond between mothers and sons, you're going to love it!. ❤️

Well as she is so disappointed maybe sideline her for the time being. You need to concentrate on you at this time no negative energy. She will probably be fine once your son is here.

My mum was a bit similar when she found out my firstborn was a girl. She really wanted a boy herself (always said I should have been a boy and was disappointed I wasn't) so she wanted her first gc to be a boy. I personally didn't care but I'm generally a nonchalant person. She expressed a similar disappointment when she found out I was having girl boy twins. She really wanted boy twins and throughout the whole pregnancy kept on saying, "how are my little grandsons doing?" I kept reminding her there was a girl in there and a boy, but she would dismiss

My mum was a bit like this. Once the baby arrived she doted on him. She often says how much she regrets not having a son now.

My mil had a boy and a girl and often said how she wished she had had two boys. It was a bit tough on my sil!
Her daughter was a barrel of trouble though, when she was growing up.

People can be so thoughtless. Try to rise above it, enjoy your pregnancy.

Ok, this comments are a little over the top, you must have a good relationship with your mom, and as you said she just has no filter, I do understand her, I'm the same and I do believe she has no harmful in her feelings, if she is like me, she might be feeling guilty when thinking something in her head and if not let it out being fake? But I do believe the minute she sees her grandson she will fall in love and never have those intrusive thoughts again 😍congratulations for your beautiful boy 💋

I have 3 girls and 2 boys.
Out of my 5, it is my 4th (boy) that is the closest to me! He thinks he's still attached and literally doesn't leave my side. Genitalia does not determine the bond you will have.

I wanted boys and I have two boys. Not everyone is desperate for a girl and I wish people would understand that and not try to pity us boy mums.

Good luck with your son, boys are ace!

Boys are absolutely wonderful, my eldest is 13 and I have such wonderful outings and such with him, we have a lovely bond, more so than my daughter in ways. My step son I also have a wonderful bond with him. And my youngest baby boy is a mummy's boy.
Ignore her or tell her she's upsetting you, she might not realise what she's saying is upsetting you

Same @UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername My Mum had 3 daughters yet always told me she wishes she'd had 3 sons instead 🙄 gee, thanks Mum

@spiralstair you say that she wears her heart on her sleeve so she will find it difficult - possibly impossible - to be inauthentic with you. That is why you've picked up on her feelings. I can understand why you might interpret her reactions as disappointment in the sex of the baby but I would urge you to try to look at this situation another way.
Her authentic reaction (which seems to be disappointment) is actually testament to her love for you. Yes she probably did hope for the relationship between you and her to be re-lived - but for you and your baby, rather than for herself.
Perhaps you brought her so much joy that she wanted you to experience that too.
She will probably need to have time to re-calibrate her thinking about the baby being a boy rather than a girl, and that may not happen until after the birth, or perhaps even months after the birth.
I promise you that, if she is as described you you, that she will love your son once she has had time to bond with him. Don't worry yourself, enjoy your pregnancy.

I can’t help feeling that a lot of this pressure and sometimes disappointment comes from the fact that everyone knows in advance what gender the baby is. I had my 3 boys over 30 years ago and I can imagine some disappointment had I known in advance. I was one of 3 girls with only female cousins and simply couldn’t believe the gender when I gave birth. I honestly thought the medical staff were joking! My boys are all different and all lovely and I have a beautiful granddaughter. 🥰