Male carer changing daughter’s nappy

[FirstTimeMummyHK]

AIBU to expect the nursery to tell me in advance that a man has now joined the nursery and will be changing my daughter’s nappy? We have been with this nursery for a while and there were only female carers there. The other day I went to pick up my daughter and there was a man sitting in there and I asked the nursery manager quietly
whether he changes my daughter and she said yes he would do. The nursery manager was very grumpy that I mentioned it. I was very nice and
polite to her. I felt that her reaction to my
question was unnecessarily grumpy. I am part of a religion where it’s quite a big deal to separate men and woman although we are not orthodox. I understand that nurseries wish to preserve equality etc and I am
a huge supporter of
men taking on caring roles. However AIBU to expect to be told in advance that a man would be changing my daughter / taking her to the toilet/ wiping her private area??

Yet it was my grandmothers husband who abused me as a small child. I had know him all my life as did my mother. Never had any abuse issues from random men

I don’t need to spell it out.

It’s too obvious and I won’t insult other posters intelligence.

Even their father?

You can go round in circles all day with this it’s a personal thing ether comfortable with it or not
asking advice is pointless because I don’t think anyone could be swayed on this

if it’s not for you move nursery with immediate effect

don’t go in ask female workers only
you could ask for the safeguarding procedures around changing nappies to see if that reassures you

but in all honesty start a thread on it is pointless

Sorry you went through that, it must have been tough and had a lasting effect.

Sadly many others have been targeted by men outside the family. For me it was my priest as a child - and I was lucky it was an isolated incident in my case and I didn’t come to harm. He was later convicted for paedophilia. He was known to be “great with kids”.

The newspaper articles linked above includes my local nursery.

Are you saying that there is no such thing as a set of safeguards that would prevent abuse? Or that the only safeguarding should be to exclude the (higher risk) males from intimate care? Or something else?

Not really affected my life a great deal TBH. I was about 6 or 7. It was a bit weird , ( for a start never seen an erect penis before. Much different from my little brothers) and uncomfortable but it hasn't affected my sex life as an adult nor do I spent too much time thinking about it. More traumatized by dentist visits I had as a child

It should be perfectly reasonable to request female only care givers, at any age (as chosen by responsible adult if it's a child) for any personal care, in any situation

I wouldn’t have wanted a male midwife when my children were born 🤷‍♀️
Wouldn‘t have wanted an uncaring female one either, but luckily none of them was.

Oh, go on. Prove me wrong. Three links. You can do it, I'm sure. Why would you not whip back and find them if you know that loads of posters have said it?

Please do spell out how this thread is stopping the sexual abuse of children ?

It’s not the same at all.
Requesting a specific meal and a blankie at bedtime does not ostracise a particular member of the staff because of their sex.
That is what OP is querying
That is what the Department of Education are against.

I'm sorry that happened to you. That's why I wouldn't even trust extended male family members alone with my children, only my own dad and brother. I don't like my DDs to go to their gran's, my MIL's house alone because she has a long term male partner who she lives with. He seems lovely and they've been together for many many years and I'm sure he is not a concern but given my own experience I'm just not prepared to take that risk. I struggle even to trust women caring for my children, my childminder knew what her husband was doing and even hit me numerous times in what appeared to be fits of jealousy at what her husband was doing.

I think putting your children in someone else's care is a risk no matter what but if it's required then you do what you can to minimise that risk and for me that includes not having them in a position where they are being cared for by men and in particular not receiving intimate care from men. I say that as a teacher who is very much in favour of getting more men into teaching, particularly at primary level, but at a very young age it's different. I don't for a second believe that all men who want to work with young children are doing so because they have bad intentions, but I'm not prepared to take the risk for my children to go through what I did.

This!

When I read these stories (particularly the first) I get angry that we even have men in this field in the first place.

Seems too big a risk for little gain. Like, toddlers from single-mother households don’t need a father figure at that age.

Does that mean it’s not normal for a woman to want to serve in the army or become an engineer?

For gods sake why are some people so desperate to centre men in everything?

Asking for female only intimate care for your yourself or your daughter is not 'ostracising' men. Access to female genitals is not men's god given right just because they've chosen a particular job. We have agency over our bodies, and those of our babies, and we have the right to refuse consent.

Nothing will ever prevent abuse from happening. There is no such thing as zero risk. But you can reduce the risk and when it comes to the sexual assault of children I'd say you have to do whatever is necessary to protect the children. Why would you take risks with babies and children in order to protect the feelings of men rather than protect the children?

Men as a sex class are clearly, demonstrably, more likely to commit sexual and violent offences than women. I was stunned by how easy it was with single Google search to find so many male childcare workers convicted of sexual offences against children. There were more — and that was just a quick preliminary search. Given how few men are employed in childcare this has actually made me more concerned, rather than less.

Most people aren't sexual predators and so they have no idea how strategically and coldly some sexual predators think. One of my former partners was a clinical psychologist who worked with sexual offenders so I know rather more than I am comfortable with.

Does that mean it’s not normal for a woman to want to serve in the army or become an engineer?

What on earth does this have to do with sex abuse by men?

Hopefully it’s given some parents a wake up call re: the data for child sexual abuse - it’s a reminder that it is not rare. It’s very common.

It’s then up to parents to do their own risk assessment and decide how best to carry out their responsibility to keep their children safe from harm.

I wouldn't even trust what the nursery tell you anyway. My friend had to collect her son at lunch time, due to a family emergency. Her son's diary had been filled in for the whole day, stating things that had happened right up until his usual collection time of 5pm. So that's 5 hours of lies in his book. Needless to say, she never took him back.

BECAUSE 99% OF SEXUAL PREDATORS ARE MEN!

Face palm.

She backtracked somewhere in the comments saying it wasn't religious but that she's Middle Eastern - Their cultural laws and protected here in the UK, their religious laws are

YANBU. Don't let anyone on here talk you down or call you 'sexist'. I would not be happy.

This.

It's not about the men.