Male carer changing daughter’s nappy

[FirstTimeMummyHK]

AIBU to expect the nursery to tell me in advance that a man has now joined the nursery and will be changing my daughter’s nappy? We have been with this nursery for a while and there were only female carers there. The other day I went to pick up my daughter and there was a man sitting in there and I asked the nursery manager quietly
whether he changes my daughter and she said yes he would do. The nursery manager was very grumpy that I mentioned it. I was very nice and
polite to her. I felt that her reaction to my
question was unnecessarily grumpy. I am part of a religion where it’s quite a big deal to separate men and woman although we are not orthodox. I understand that nurseries wish to preserve equality etc and I am
a huge supporter of
men taking on caring roles. However AIBU to expect to be told in advance that a man would be changing my daughter / taking her to the toilet/ wiping her private area??

Your daughter isn’t being touched, she is being cared for and cleaned by a paid professional who will have been DBS checked to be in the role.

you association that all male actions/contact are perhaps sexual is quite worrying!

@GrumpyPanda many thanks. When changing a girl’s nappy you have to clean right inside their private parts as the poo goes everywhere so yes they would be wiping it.

Love how (rightly so) a female can request same sex intimate care but the same right can’t be extended to her children? Who are much more vulnerable. If a parent is uncomfortable with an opposite sex carer attending to their child’s intimate needs this should be listened to in exactly the same way for the exact same reason. Statistics show men are more likely to be sex offenders. There is a reason men and women are separated in certain instances so why do children not count in this way?

Sorry I don't know why? Is it simply because proportionally men are more likely to be paedophiles than women?

In what way is it a good point? It is a specious argument - sexuality has nothing whatsoever to do with this.

Unless you’re the sort of remedial person who asks “what about lesbians in women’s spaces,” of course.

OP, if your Rabbi (or appropriate spiritual authority) has a problem with men changing nappies, your religion is more orthodox than most. This is the 21st century in a Western democracy. Men being involved in childcare is encouraged.

As someone who was abused by my childminder's husband as a child, I will not be allowing any male to care for my daughters or change nappies other than their dad and my immediate family. I know that won't necessarily be a popular opinion, my own brother was annoyed with me at this as he is a teacher (but I see that as being very different) but I honestly don't care. Having been through that I will be doing whatever is necessary to prevent that from happening to my own.

Most sex offenders are known to the child and are usually

father
grandfather
uncle

not her nursery worker

No sane or decent man would put himself in a position where he is cleaning children's genitals

Ok, I must flag this with work, I dont think they realise this. We have a childcare department within our very large organisation, I can think of at least 5 men who work there taking care of babies and young children. All of them are insane?Ok. So its never true that men enjoy working with children or want care for them? The only answer is they are insane or sick. Right so.

The children statistically have a far greater chance of being hurt by their own fathers than this nursery worker...

I’m not really sure what you’re trying to say but it doesn’t matter why the OP wants a female member of staff changing her daughter’s nappy. The point is, she can request a female HCP for any reason at all, but isn’t allowed to exercise that right for her child.

No matter how polite you were being, you essentially accused her employee of being a paedophile. No wonder she didn’t take it well.

If you need to preserve a separation for religious reasons they may be able to accommodate you. It’s worth having a conversation.

Then why is it okay for a woman to change a boy?

@Chocochoo it’s different because it’s a toddler. Same applies to toddlers peeing in a bush, running naked on the beach, screaming in the middle of Tescos because the apples are too green. Different rules apply.

OP, I would ask if you feel the same about women changing boys. If not, then it’s cultural (possibly different to religious). We like what we are used to, but sometimes things change for the better even though it feels unconfortable at the time.

Surprised by some of the answers here.

I believe YANBU.

A female should have a right to refuse personal care from a male for any reason (religious, personal preference - anything).

I believe this extends to a mother making that decision on behalf of her daughter, when her daughter is too young to decide for herself.

If for any reason you are not comfortable with this, you should be able to tell nursery that a woman has to change your daughter. And they should honour this request.

@StormingNorman thanks. I purely made a request on behalf of my daughter that I am
entitled to make myself when having a Pap test. It related to privacy of her body and no assumptions of her employee being a paed.

Who changes the nappies at home, OP?

No sane or decent woman would assume a man working in a nursery wasn’t sane or decent but yet here we are.

I agree with this. I have worked with sex offenders so am ultra cautious.
I'd feel the same as you OP.

Is this another of those situations where, in order to make progress and move away from unhelpful stereotypes and the perpetuation of the idea that some jobs are 'women's work' only - with the obvious result being that they end up being eternally low-paid and considered low-status, as well as giving men a free pass to get out of making anything approaching a fair contribution... we insist that men are not allowed anywhere near those jobs?

Is it just Women that have to remain untouched until marriage, or are men held to the same standard?

Cultural, Misogynistic claptrap designed to control women …

The fact that you equate a man changing a nappy with sexual touching … is frankly bizzare

Sorry, what? If anything a toddler should be more protected as if something happened to them they wouldn’t even know?

A toddler peeing in a bush is the choice of the parent. It’s completely different. Am I misunderstanding you?

Don’t be surprised if your new “women only” nursery then employ a male member of staff. It would be against the law for a nursery to specify that they only employ women.

Is everyone on this thread just dense? Or wilfully naive.

It would be illegal to advertise a job in a nursery as female only so what will you do move your child every time a man starts working there? What about transgender people?
The only way you could guarantee this is by using a childminder or employing a nanny.
Does your culture allow fathers to change nappies?