Male carer changing daughter’s nappy

[FirstTimeMummyHK]

AIBU to expect the nursery to tell me in advance that a man has now joined the nursery and will be changing my daughter’s nappy? We have been with this nursery for a while and there were only female carers there. The other day I went to pick up my daughter and there was a man sitting in there and I asked the nursery manager quietly
whether he changes my daughter and she said yes he would do. The nursery manager was very grumpy that I mentioned it. I was very nice and
polite to her. I felt that her reaction to my
question was unnecessarily grumpy. I am part of a religion where it’s quite a big deal to separate men and woman although we are not orthodox. I understand that nurseries wish to preserve equality etc and I am
a huge supporter of
men taking on caring roles. However AIBU to expect to be told in advance that a man would be changing my daughter / taking her to the toilet/ wiping her private area??

Would you feel the same about a male TA if you had a daughter instead?

Christ.

Most men don't choose it due to the incredibly sexist society we live in. It's no different to why most women aren't firefighters or surgeons.

Boys aren't encouraged into caring roles, just as girls aren't encouraged to be firefighters.

I think your reasoning is off. You're talking about being untouched before marriage and equating that with a man changing your daughter's nappy. If you think there's a risk he is a sex offender, that's probably a bit harsh on an individual basis but the statistics stack up - men are more likely than women to be sex offenders. But surely your primary concern would be your daughter being sexually assaulted- not whether she was still pure for her husband.

I know you didn't quote me but yes I would. Every wrongen has a mum and is therefore technically someones son. I'd be wondering why he'd picked this role.

Thanks for answering! Wow so if your son or family member explained to you a very valid reason for wanting to do it and you know they have been a good soul their entire lives, you would instantly think they were not to be trusted. That's really interesting.

Would your mind only go to 'paedophile' or would you worry about other things?

@CJ0374

I knew someone would make a comment about it not being a vagina. I only learned the difference after reading snarky comments on here. I did manage to pass biology GCSE.

OP I don't think you are unreasonable. Whilst a female can be a paedophile it is statistically more likely to be a male. I am unsure why everyone is having a go. I don't believe many females rape or hoard photos of baby boys.

I don't think people are being especially respectful of your religious beliefs either.

Well my dad didn't rape or abuse me, my childminder's husband did. Why would I be more likely to trust a man I don't know with my child than the men that I do know and have known my whole life? If anything the statistics are just an argument for not allowing any man to be alone with a child but obviously that's ridiculous. I trust my dad, my partner and my brother with my children but no other man will ever care for them on their own.

YANBU, I would not be overly comfortable with this.

Also, absolutely your religious beliefs and customs need to be considered. Really cannot believe people think it’s OK to suggest they don’t matter.

Nobody wants anybody changing their nappy as an adult.

Stop sexualising a nappy change. And don’t say you’re not. You just linked it to virginity and marriage.

Of course OP is allowed. She can choose not to send her DC to nursery, send her to an all female nursery, female childminder or female nanny. You can’t pick and choose the staff at nursery however, there’s nothing wrong with a male being employed and he’s there to do his job. If anyone doesn’t like it then choose alternative childcare that guarantees all females.

This is true about the statistics for perpetrators of abuse but its usually someone the child knows, which will encompass people they spend all day with most days. When I went to see nurseries for my son it did make me feel uncomfortable that some had male workers but the thing that made me most uncomfortable was how I was being shown around and told nappy changes were done either in an open space or with two workers but those male workers were coming out of closed door rooms alone with a child they'd just provided intimate care for. Obviously we did not go with those nurseries.

I work in child protection and with children who have been SA - most but not all were abused by family, all bar one by a male perpetrator. The rest were abused by men who were in positions of trust. We know that statistically men are more likely to be harmful to women and children. We know that women are entitled to have a say in who provides their intimate care even amongst trained professionals (as are men.) There's no reason why a parent shouldn't be allowed to request that intimate care not be provided by a male member of staff if they are uncomfortable with it or if they feel it would compromise their child's safety or dignity in any way. To me the setting should be able to accommodate that. Some children who have been abused in the past may feel deeply unsafe in that position with a male worker but be unable to articulate it. Why should their parent or guardian be shot down for trying to maintain their child's dignity and comfort. It's a very childist way of thinking. Men may innocently enjoy working with and caring for children. My own husband works with young children. His enjoyment of his job is not more important than the safety comfort and dignity of the children he cares for and he wouldn't see it any other way.

Because stereotypes exist for a reason and there is zero appeal to a man in this role.

The op is sexist or unaware of why her thinking is illogical she has stated clearly that for religious reasons she doesn't want a male changing her daughters nappy, no religion especially Islam permits men to have sex with toddlers, there is nothing in the Koran that forbids a man caring for a baby. When children hit 7 years old is where prohibition starts. This person may be confused or has joined a cult.

This doesn’t mean that any man who does choose to work with very young children is a paedophile. But parents SHOULD and DO have a right to decide who performs personal care on their child.

Ok. But that's not what I was asking.

That’s your choice obviously so you’d pick a childcare setting which doesn’t employ male staff.

Again, wrong. Why do men do the role of there is zero appeal? Or is every male nursery worker a peadophile?
Each and every one I’ve worked with has been brilliant. Can’t say the same about all of the women who are often just there because it’s convenient.

Why do men bother becoming fathers then? If there's zero appeal to care for children?

i agree with OP, and Yellow Cloud.

That’s quite a lot of inconvenience for OP isn’t it. Whereas the nursery could just respect her wishes and ensure only females do it? In the same way my GP surgery wouldn’t tell me to go and find a “females only” GP surgery but would instead just let me see a female member of staff if I wanted to?

But no. We can’t hurt the poor man’s feelings.

Did you make your religious / personal beliefs on this issue clear to the nursery when you sent your daughter there? Sorry if I’ve missed this further down the thread.

Then don't go into hospital in Switzerland! At first I was quite surprised to have a male nurse helping me on and off the bedpan and wiping me. Then I told myself to get over it and that it's no different for a man having personal care from a female nurse.

Haven't read the full thread but yabu. He will have had all the correct checks carried out as will the women in the nursery, women can be predators too you know.
Comparing a toddler to a grown disabled woman is ridiculous.
If you feel so strongly about this I'd suggest looking after your child yourself instead of expecting the nursery to make special rules for you. How insulting to the male caregiver.

Yes I wouldn't like this either OP, you are not being unreasonable x

@converseandjeans Why not highlight the multiple other posts that actually did make sarky/rude and sly comments about the OP for not knowing her own anatomy? But no, you decided mention me, that only one that actually pointed this out to the OP!

1 in 10 children have been sexually abused, many women and men are survivors of sexual abuse. The vast majority of abusers are men. It seems logical to minimise the risk to avoid having a man giving intimate care to a young child, if they are not a healthcare professional.

I think most posters on here are putting rights of the men working in childcare before the rights of children to be safe. That’s quite worrying in my view. I welcome male nursery workers- we’ve had great ones- but they never provided personal care (for their own protection as well as the children- nursery policy).

For the same reason I do not let my children have sleepovers at homes where there is a male in the house- only my dad and brother/brother in law are trusted. And they would never change a nappy/ wipe my children. It’s always the women relatives- this is normal (my DH does more nappies than me, but he’s their dad, it’s completely different).

Perhaps it’s just those of us with professional and lived experience know what the very real risks are. Sadly.