To just feel so sad that I can’t give my child the same education as another

[hunnsh]

I will never have the money to send my dc to private school. For starters I’m a single parent but even when I was with her dad we would have massive struggled to pay fees.

Two of my ‘mum friends’ have chosen private school for their daughters, same age as my daughter and they are doing so much more than my child. They have weekly swimming and sports classes, the food is even miles better than at state, they have their own theatre, the classes are half the size of my daughter’s. I know you can still do well at a state school and my daughter does seem happy but I know already that her chances are lesser than these other two. They are both miles ahead in confidence and I can only put that down to how the classes are smaller and they are exposed to more activities etc. It makes me so sad for my daughter. I know there’s nothing that can be done but it seems so unfair? It’s like their futures are already marked out a little bit and all down to the fact they have been lucky to go somewhere everyday that is more focused on them. Just feel like it’s very unfair.

I don't think there is much difference in the outcome: schools are schools. If the state school is not good, you could perhaps consider a move to a better catchment area, but that would be a last resort.

But you can. What you focus on expands. You need to shift your focus onto what you can do to give your child more advantages and a leg up in life and do that.

Your child is with the 96% of all other children. YABU to dwell on a tiny minority.

But you said in your OP your daughter IS happy. So why can't YOU be happy with that?

Imagine for a second if you suddenly had the money to send her to private school. So you move her. But now she isn't happy. Would you be thinking 'well suck it up, because this school is way better!'? Or would you massively regret your decision?

Really you would be better off putting your energies into supporting your daughter. Maybe get her to join some clubs or activities if you think there are things she would enjoy. And for gods sake make sure she doesn't pick up on your negative views about how disadvantaged she is at her rubbish school!

I went to private and my ds goes to state. He has had loads of experiences I haven’t - he plays local sports and does scouts and has been away with them lots and done scuba diving and other activities. He has friends and goes to the park with them, much more independence (or in a different way) than I had. I boarded and although I enjoyed aspects of it, I can also see how I missed out on time at home and normal experiences.

What I’m trying to say is really don’t worry. I’m definitely not concerned, I can see ds is happy, has good friends and mostly works hard at school (I do emphasise the importance of giving yourself all the options for your future by getting good grades, even if you choose a less academic career).

I also don’t earn very much now (many reasons) and have state school friends with better careers that they enjoy more. I’m not sure that ultimately private school helped my confidence or prospects. I may have been better off considering less academic careers (despite being fairly academic) and going down a different path. Who knows but all I can do is support ds to have as many experiences as possible.

How old is your DD? Can you get her into brownies/beavers/cubs etc? Spend time cooking with her, going on holiday - camping etc not super expensive. Take her to your nearest city and do free museums. Read lots with her and go to the library. I think a connected and engaged parent is the most important thing a child could ask for (whether private or state educated).

I’d also pull back from the mum friendships if you’re ending up feeling shit, even if they aren’t saying things deliberately.

Agree with others, the vast majority of U.K. children go to state schools and that’s life. It’s the elite that go to private school and if you aren’t in that bracket then you just aren’t in that bracket, that’s life honey!

@hunnsh of course having smaller classes and a more perosnal feel to the school will help any child as opposed to these massive, ugly 70s soviet style monolithic concrete blocks where they are crammed in like cans.

However I strongly disagree that gives dc confidence.

It's upbringing and parents who do that

Well if it makes you feel any better I pulled mine out of private school and she's doing 100x better at the state.

I'm not sure attributing that to a five year old is terribly convincing

If govt invested properly in education so it was the same for ALL children with no private schools then it would fair!
A full, rounded education education should be universal not the preserve of the rich!

@Mammyloveswine according to a the posters on this thread state schools are better than private schools, so why are private schools unfair?

Out of my year group from private school, we have: a lawyer, insurance broker, salesperson, dental nurse, midwife, couple of people who work in banking, SAHM, lash/nails technician to name but a few.

None of those required private school education (albeit it probably helped banking/law).

I would say school was fab and we had loads of access to sports/languages/arts etc. Just over a decade on from my A Levels and I haven’t done any sport really since I left school, I can no longer really speak any of the languages and I have zero hobbies at the moment, so really it hasn’t served me longterm! I also have a sense of guilt that my parents spent a lot of money on my education and probably missed out themselves!

Some state schools match or exceed private. My daughters close friend - father is a deputy head and mum a teacher at a £40,000 a year private school. They would pay a fraction of this though as employed there. Having looked at about 15 primary schools mix of private and state, they chose a state school which offered a huge range of enriching oppurtuinities. At 5 they do forest schools, weekly drama with an external teacher, mindfulness, farm visits, cycling lessons, swim lessons, and their class is 20 children with 1 teacher and 2-3 support staff . So is comparable or exceeding many private schools.
So yes some schools better than others of course, but its not as simple as private better than state.

Really? With that perspective, do you think it's fair that some people wear designer clothes while others don't?

Is it fair that some people live in big houses while others in small houses? Better still, is it fair that some people live in their local town's millionaire row while others live in concil housing?

You get my drift. It's nothing to do with fairness and everything to do with LIFE. State schools have SO MANY success stories just as private schools have many drop-out stories. Just this week, there was a newspaper article about 3 girls in a Newham State school headed to two Ivy League Universities in the US.

Try and find the good in her situation rather than focusing on what she is missing out.

Everyone is on a unique journey of life.

I agree. Lots of children's parents can't afford to provide them with secure accommodation, won't be able to pay for any out of school activities, won't be able to give them holidays, don't support their children's learning etc. I hope you're not planning to give your children a massive advantage in life over them by doing that for your children?

So what? There are children out there who have private tutors, homes in several cities and can have private tours of art galleries arranged for them. Would you think it odd if your friends complained that theirs don't?
There are children who can't get an education at all. They live is abject poverty and end up working as prostitutes from age 10. They would think your child is far closer to the upper rich experience than theirs is to yours.

Just be grateful that you and your dc are privileged beyond others dreams.

The vast majority of children in the UK don't go to private school, and besides via accidents of birth, or of circumstances, there are huge inequalities in many lives, whether that's financial, medical, emotional and so on. Your daughter is healthy, you want the best for her so within your means you can provide that. It's such a defeatist attitude to say that you somehow know her chances are lesser than the other two, especially as she is happy. Hopefully you haven't expressed any of this to her. Seriously, cheer up and give your head a wobble.

One of my dcs has been extremely ill for a lot of their schooling, thankfully they're on the mend but they've missed out so much and guess what? We don't think it's unfair because we're so grateful that she's getting better.

This is interesting. @hunnsh - how old is your child? If she's at primary, she is probably way better off in the state system. And how good are these private schools, really? I assume you're not talking about the sort of school that the royals send their kids to!

I live next door to a very small private school (early years-to-11) in a grammar school area. In the past, it "did well", at least in terms of getting kids through the Kent Test (11+), though not without the one of the directors pulling some strings. However, since September we have noticed the numbers have dropped dramatically. So I've just had a look at their Ofsted report. It has gone from Good to Satisfactory to Inadequate to (last September) Requires Improvement.

Meanwhile, the local state schools are solidly ranked as Good.

I disagree with just about everything you've said. Instead of blaming the school there are multiple reasons why a child is not as confident as others. Look a bit deeper.

Both my boys are very confident and content. many many children from their local school (Be it a very very good one) went to Oxbridge and were nice confident very bright very sporty had everything going for them children.

nothing to do with private schools. Your focus is so wrong, it's staggering .

It's not only that though. It's a much nicer ride.

I did mention bursaries too. I agree it’s worth enquiring.

The shit you are referring is being in a class of 42 kids. That’s legitimate shit to be majorly pissed off about. No one learns anything with such high student register in one class. Teacher is very likely just baby sitting.

My husband and I could comfortably afford to send my son to private school but choose not to. We both went to state schools and did fine in life.

If you're invested in their education and provide all the support at home then she'll be fine.

As another poster said, you'll just have to slum it like 95% of the population.

I second the posters who have said sign her up to Brownies/Beavers. She will get to try so many new things and it is very reasonably priced (I pay £12/month for beavers, South east).

As for other opportunities@hunnsh , you just have to do your best with what you have available. There are loads of cheap workbooks in poundland, the works, home bargains etc. Some are less than £1. Get some and work through them with her, or ask her to do a page or two while you are cooking/in the shower/before she watches tv.

The internet is a wonderful resource. I bought my son a second hand guitar for £10 and we are watching lessons on YouTube. Could you do something like that?

Similarly, there are loads of songs/lessons on maths or science or English or foreign languages or history etc on youtube too. Watch them together, build it into your weekly routine.

Explore non-classroom things with her too, like cookery, gardening, drawing, clay modelling, sewing, cycling, whatever it is that interests her.

Look at your local library, they may run computer coding clubs or lego building clubs or book clubs for her age group, often reasonably priced/nominal donation/free.

You are right that it isn't fair, but you are being unreasonable if you let that be the end of it and don't try to offer her as many opportunities as you can at home.

I went to a private school my primary years and honestly I would never send my children to private school. If only people used the money spend on private schools to improve their local school . It would be so much better for everyone . Some countries don’t allow private schools so everyone has the same opportunities. I wish the U.K. could see sense .

Parental socioeconomic status is the strongest predictor of a child’s so they were already going to end up that way.