To just feel so sad that I can’t give my child the same education as another

[hunnsh]

I will never have the money to send my dc to private school. For starters I’m a single parent but even when I was with her dad we would have massive struggled to pay fees.

Two of my ‘mum friends’ have chosen private school for their daughters, same age as my daughter and they are doing so much more than my child. They have weekly swimming and sports classes, the food is even miles better than at state, they have their own theatre, the classes are half the size of my daughter’s. I know you can still do well at a state school and my daughter does seem happy but I know already that her chances are lesser than these other two. They are both miles ahead in confidence and I can only put that down to how the classes are smaller and they are exposed to more activities etc. It makes me so sad for my daughter. I know there’s nothing that can be done but it seems so unfair? It’s like their futures are already marked out a little bit and all down to the fact they have been lucky to go somewhere everyday that is more focused on them. Just feel like it’s very unfair.

To use a clichéd phrase, maybe think a bit more outside of the box.

She doesn't need a private school to have a bright future and a happy childhood, she just needs a good school that offers lots of interesting opportunities. There are plenty of state schools that fit this description. If she doesn't go to one of them at the moment, maybe consider moving so that you're close to a really good school? Particularly for secondary - we live close to some excellent grammar schools that people who could easily afford private school reject their private "insurance" places for if their DC get a place.

Or maybe think more broadly about what makes a childhood magical? Do you live somewhere beautiful, fun, interesting? I was reading a few days ago about a state primary which does "beach school" - lucky children, that sounds amazing. And many state schools are heavily into forest school/outdoor education at the moment.

Private school is only part of the picture. If you want your DD to have easy access to things like swimming lessons, surely it would make sense to live close to a swimming pool so you can take her frequently yourself. Likewise, dance, sport and extra-curricular activities. And you can make sure she does plenty of art, creative activities and other stuff at home with you.

Like most people, you may not (barring an unexpected inheritance or lottery win) be in a position to send your child to private school, but you do have a certain amount of agency in your life in terms of deciding where you live and what sort of childhood you give your DD.

Stop comparing - it’s silly. Do you know how many children don’t even get to go to school??? Life is unfair - it’s shit but that’s how it is.

You can't change the school but you can
Hire a tutor if needed
Sports clubs
Swimming
Music
Drama
All these things can be done without a private education

The best skill anyone can ever have is to e able to make the best use of the opportunities they actually have, to value what they actually have.

You are comparing your Dd school to private schools and concluding that it is not good enough and not worth having.

But your DD can't have the private school option. You can't afford it. It's a painful fact. There are no rules that say you should be able to have the same as your friends do. Just as there are no rules about who gets cancer, or who dies in a car crash, or whose child is born seriously disabled.

A different mindset would be to see what you actually have as a valuable thing, an opportunity, and to make the very best use of it you can.

You can't have the private school but you can make the most of the school you do have. That starts by not rubbishing it.

Envy is the most insidious emotion because renders worthless the good things and opportunities you do have before you.

WomanMumLoverDaughterStepmumFriend · Today 22:05
If only people used the money spend on private schools to improve their local school . It would be so much better for everyone . Some countries don’t allow private schools so everyone has the same opportunities. I wish the U.K. could see sense .

@WomanMumLoverDaughterStepmumFriend Virtually every poster on this thread has said state schools are better than private schools so why are private schools unfair? If parents want to waste their money when they could be getting a better education for their dc for free, well surely that’s up to them?

Your child is in the majority.

I honestly think you fretting about not doing something you can’t possibly do and thinking it will damage your child is far more damaging than your child having the same educational opportunities as the vast majority of children in this country. And being more advantaged than some by having a loving and attentive parent.

I agree private education is unfair, but that means I support the state school system rather than slag it off.

Anyone can improve their skills and 'cognitive ability'.
I study while my child is in bed late evening. During her swimming lesson.

I'm not saying it's easy, of course, but it's not out of the question.

Irrelevant anyway. Private school is nice but it's just a luxury like anything else.
You can take your child to weekly swimming and sports without paying private school fees.

I never said they were better , I said I wouldn’t want my children in private school as I don’t want them around some of the things that happened and the sort of elitism in there . It’s pretty obvious that conditions wise they are better , still doesn’t mean the best people come out of there, some of the most toxic and bullying behaviour I witnessed was in my private school years . It’s only my opinion and experience , I am not pushing it on others .

some of the most toxic and bullying behaviour I witnessed was in my private school years

These bullies probably would’ve been bullies if they’d gone to state school.

I think you're getting some harsh responses op.

Yes life is unfair and not equitable for all children in so many ways. But should we just say oh well and move on? I don't think so necessarily.

This is why I personally think the idea of private schools is unethical and all schools should be state funded with a regulated donation system like in some other countries so all children have equal opportunities and experiences within their education. To me that's very basic.

Unfortunately there's not really much you can do about it. But as others have said there's lots of kids thriving in state schools and lots struggling in private schools so I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.

At the moment there's a big gulf due to underfunding of state sector. Hopefully that will change after the election

So it comes down to the bare facts that you can't afford to send your child to Private school but others can, and you resent that.

Such is life.

Do you want other children to be held back so your child is not disadvantaged?

Is your child good looking? Should he/she be disfigured so they don't have the advantage of Beauty?

Is your child Clever? Should they be held back so the less Clever can not feel disaffected?

Do you think it fair to level the playing field down to your childs level - or below that to the child less able than yours? So your child is bored and disengaged?

Do you think your lack of money should mean everyone else should be restricted by your budget? Why not by mine? Or her over there? Or his in another country?

You're just jealous. Perfectly normal.

@BMW6

"Do you want other children to be held back so your child is not disadvantaged?"

What if all schools were state funded and parents who could afford it were still encouraged to pay donations to encourage the opportunities for ALL children?

Why should other children be held back because some children are privileged?

This isn't a question of ability, beauty or any of the other utterly unimportant and unchangeable factors you've just listed. This is about distribution of wealth and turning a child's right to education into a capitalist and consumerist venture that ultimately increases the gap between the wealthy and the poor. It means that children who grow up in low income households are more likely to stay in that bracket while others are afforded opportunities. Meaning some communities will be consistently poorer, with less investment, poorer outcomes in health, higher rates of crime and those things affect our overall society. So if you think it doesn't affect you and your family you are incorrect. It's one big wheel.

You know what else you could do if you are serious about your kids going to a good school? Volunteer. Improve things. Make a difference.

I was a school governor and then chair through all my kids primary years and it was hard work but one of the best things I ever did. I got an insight into the realities and I genuinely think we were able to have some influence on the direction of the school.

We got the dilapidated unusable swimming pool renovated by a private company in exchange for them using it out of hours so now all the kids have swimming lessons and got charitable funding from Andrew Lloyd Webbers charity to get instruments and music lessons amongst other things. The school went from RI to Good in that time too because we were able to hire a great new head.

I did this whilst working full time so being busy is not an excuse. We had a policy of having a balance of day/ evening/ online meetings and governors could use breakfast/ afterschool club for free for meetings so that single parents weren't excluded. Everything comes down to priorities.

Or alternatively you can just carry on carping from the sidelines about how life isn't fair...

By far the biggest factor in my academic success was parental influence. My parents supported me at every turn, encouraging reading and thinking, showing by everything they did that they valued education.

I'm a single mum but my ds is at independent.

I started saving when ds was tiny. He went to state primary but then the only state secondary we were offered was in chaos.

He got a scholarship and I've managed to cover the rest. Although it's been a strain, it can be done.

If you think your dd would take to the intellectual challenge, don't give up.

Gosh, this thread is a waste of time.

@hunnsh you haven’t returned but if you’re still reading I suggest you go over to the Education boards. Read some threads on independent schools - especially those on applying for bursaries. Then maybe start your own if you have questions.

It is absolutely not impossible to send your child to a fee paying school as a single parent on a low or average income. What you need is knowledge of the system and understanding of when and how to navigate the application process. And optimism, as inevitably not everyone who applies for a bursary will be awarded one. It will depend very much on finding the right school at the right time - and having a child of the right age who is ready and willing to put their best foot forward.

Also - act swiftly; bursaries may well become harder to access if a new government imposes tougher financial conditions on independent schools.

wow, that is MASSIVELY more than mine has ever been, and yet my children have grown up successful and confident. We had plenty of amazing experiences and hobbies- I overheard one of them listing a few to his partner just yesterday! And she grew up in a millionaire household and had nothing like as much fun and excitement as a child.

And you can do so much more with your child, with a take home pay a clear grand a month above what we ever had. Travel! Camping! hobbies! private tuition! just having fun together.

Your daughter is in the top 5 % most privileged children in the world, I would estimate.

And state school has many advantages over private.
She wont be disadvantaged by going to state school, she will be disadvantaged by your attitude to her going to state school.

Could you move to an area with grammar schools? Could you pay fir a tutor in the evenings once a week when she’s at secondary?

I know what you’re saying, but honestly, spending time with her, giving her high aspirations and a strong work ethic is what you need. Inform her about the professions and encourage her to apply to top universities.

Op my life has been a real crossover of private and state - through my own education, career and social circle. My dds both went state in the end, but it wasn’t without a lot of deliberation at various stages throughout the process.

I have come up with the following conclusions:

1. dd1 is really happy at an excellent uni where she has made loads of friends from both private and state schools. She is popular, outgoing, very confident and academically scoring high grades. Her experience of state school has not compromised her chances AT ALL and in fact I believe it gave her some amazing skills in relating to people from all walks of life as well as being academically self-sufficient which is really important at uni.
2. dd2 is not academic and sending her to a more hot house type of environment would probably have been really damaging to her self esteem. As it is she made loads of friends at her local state school, has flourished into a mature and kind young woman who is very confident in herself, starting to find her way in the world. Private school from an academic POV would have ultimately been a bit of a waste of money as she’s just not cut out for university. Career-wise, I’m pretty sure she’ll do ok carving her own niche in the world. Confidence-wise, she’s doing just fine.

While the girls were growing up, we had enough spare money to take them on great holidays, cultural days out, private tutoring in the run up to exams, driving lessons etc. we hope to also help them out with house deposits because we paid off our mortgage instead of paying school fees. They have wanted for nothing. Granted they live in a lovely, quite aspirational area where most of the local kids opt for state despite many of them clearly being able to afford private. I might have felt different if the local options were TRULY awful.

Our dds have also been given a lot of support and time as they’ve grown up which I do believe counts for more than any private school education. There are plenty of kids struggling at private school who aren’t achieving anything spectacular and in fact just struggling to keep going. Dds have a mix of friends some of whom went private along the way but at the end of it all there really isn’t much of a difference at all. The only thing some of them do have is that private school swagger and accent which buys them access into certain groups without any other effort. But as that is pretty much all I can think of that sets them apart it’s certainly not worth hundreds of thousands of pounds in my book.

Why is it 'lucky'? Did the parents win the lottery? Or did they just work hard at their careers and have prioritised education?

My friends children go to private school but her husband has a specialist career and works long hours!

I will say my friend that earns the most went to an awful secondary school but her passion in her career led to her success.

We have grammar schools here so most parents try and get their children into them rather than private or private until aged 11.

The best advice I could give you is start saving for driving lessons and university- that opens far more opportunities for children.

My neighbour’s dc went to private school, had the best of everything! They are both unemployed by choice, look to neighbour for everything and have made nothing of their lives.
Some children are naturally more confident than others, but your dd will find her thing and it may make her more confident. Don’t waste your time comparing them all.

It's not unfair at all. They've paid for the privilege

unfair would be if they got given a free place and you didn't.

Respectfully OP, by virtue of being born and living in the UK, your child has a massive advantage in life over billions. Why are you only comparing in one direction? They are better off than so, so many.

so provide richer experiences for her then, in your time.