Manipulated by women that “can’t”

[Mistressofpemberly]

Professional in my fifties with friends and colleagues of same age.
I’m increasing noticing that I’m expected to fill the gap at work and in friendships by women of my age who have fixed ideas about what they can and can’t do. They are all high flying professionals in responsible roles. They are all single.

The feeling that I’m being imposed on has been creeping up on me. I have had a bit of a light bulb moment and recognised that their behaviour is manipulative and I feel that I am being controlled.
AIBU in this? Is it a ‘thing’. Anyone else seeing the same? Examples following….

@ClementineYellow

Yes thanks I will go over the Summer and get some for that purpose.

I think there was a thread about the brighter lights of some cars

Perfume makes me sneeze my head off.

Id move away and tell the person wearing it.

I have a fragrance allergy/intolerance. Any overly strong chemical scent sets it off. Perfume is one of the worst. A light scent is fine but some people douse themselves. That makes me ill.

I never say anything for fear of being rude. I just quietly leave the bus/room/whatever.

On a plane, I would be stuck. I'd slowly start having difficulty breathing and would start wheezing. My eyes would swell and itch and start watering and finally, my skin/face would break out in hives. Symptoms can last for several days after exposure, so my holiday would be pretty much ruined but if you think that's funny, fair enough.

Weird. How did they get the the position they have without doing any of this stuff?

I can’t stand feebleness.

I am 50 with children aged 4,7 and 8 so for being old/feeble/resisting change/unwilling to muck in isn’t an option…and thank god!

To be honest I feel like I've noticed this with some women all my life. And in my experience it's always women not men. Say they can't do something. But really just aren't willing to try/learn just plan on avoiding it forever or get someone else to do it for them. Some women certainly seem to be of the view that only a man could do certain things too. Which is insane, but there we are.

Never come across any of this at work or in my friendship groups and I'm 61 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have become hypersensitive to fragrances since Covid and I can smell people's washing powder, not allergic to it luckily- I can't demand they don't wash their clothes though so I just have to shut my nose off and breathe through my mouth when I sit next to them.

We are going away on holiday in a couple of weeks and I thought I’d cracked it but now she’s resisting suggestions for what we will do when we are there - no buses, no walking, etc etc. so we are staying the hotel unless I drive / organise taxis.

Fuck that!

Play their game and decide you can't go. If you grovel nicely, maybe the holiday company will let you change your dates/ hotel etc. Fakling that, havd your own holiday and sod her. Just dont let ger ruin your holiday.

My intrepid 85-year-old friend is driving two hours along country roads this weekend to join me (and others) for a weekend away. She uses Google maps for navigation, plays bridge and poker online, lives independently and has more zest for life than most Mumsnetters with their love of their sofas, Netflix and comfies.

I offered to go and collect her and take her to the house party we've both been invited to, but she was determined to drive herself so that she can go home when she's ready without inconveniencing anyone else. Meanwhile another woman, in her late 50s, fit and healthy, has been trying to persuade me to give her a lift — but at a time that suits her and not me. She has done the whole 'I hate driving in an area I don't know/ I don't know how to use satnav/ motorway driving terrifies me' number. She is also the only one of my acquaintances who isn't on WA ('I can't get the hang of these things') and so expects anyone who is sending out a group message to phone or text her individually to keep her in the loop. Always wants someone else to order stuff on line for her and pay with their cards because it's all so complicated and she's bound to make a mistake if she does it... (on and on and on)

So, OP, I do get what you mean. It's infuriating and it doesn't have to be like that.

You couldn't, or wouldn't? 😅

Dont be ridiculous.

I am the same age as the OP and the people she is talking about.

Its not ageist at all to question why women who are the same age as her are acting so helplessly. Presumably they have had as long as her to learn how to do things and either didnt learn or just doesnt want to do the jobs concerned.

Its the same as the question of why a man in his 50's is perfectly capable of running a large manufacturing machine (say) at work, or operating a computer but somehow cannot work a washing machine.

The only mistake the OP made was mentioning ages at all.

I haven’t come across all of these, but both my mum and my sister don’t really enjoy driving, so allowed their husbands to do it, then of course got less confident, to the point where they virtually stopped.

I love driving, but when married, my ex preferred driving and it was sufficiently uncomfortable, when he was sat beside me wincing about my driving, that I tended to let him get on with it. It did get to the stage where I felt less confident about driving long distances, which I had never been when younger and am not now we’re divorced.

My ex also flew a lot, and was so knowledgeable compared to me, that I let him lead whenever we went away. I still went without him occasionally, as I refused to become hopelessly dependent, but it was uncomfortable/nerve-wracking and I could imagine if I was a different kind of person, I might have retreated from that discomfort rather than facing it.

So I’m interested to know, are these women married? It could be that their husbands are undermining their confidence, or at least that might be a factor.

I have increasing tolerance for people who say they can’t do something I can do without any problems. We can all do some things easily, some things with more difficulty and some things not at all.

You need to learn to say no . But I agree I can’t stand women like this , a bit useless at basic stuff , I find them to be such a bad example to younger generation. Thankfully o don’t know many people as you describe but if I did I would not be facilitating by doing things for them .

Being allergic to perfume is not a disability!

I suspect being 'allergic' to perfume is just someone attention seeking and trying to make it about them. I've never met anyone in real life with a perfume allergy. Perfume is everywhere-not just personal fragrance but in everything from shampoos, washing powder, hand soaps, disinfectants, cleaning products, makeup, stationery, candles etc.

I’m only 41 but I sort of recognise this in myself in some respects that I’m quite particular about things I won’t do. I think being educated and having had a good career and money give me confidence to assert my boundaries. I don’t expect people to organise things for me but I am quite particular about practical things and I imagine I’ll just get more particular as I get older.

You work in a very odd place. I know plenty of people that age and older who can do all the things you mentioned.

Well technically my father has never been told he is allergic but he has severe asthma and strong perfume is his biggest trigger. It could kill him.

He has ended up hardly ever going into shops or cafes etc because of it.

But hey, if he dies it was probably just attention seeking, right?

Were you born this thick or did you do a course?

Talking of things people can’t do, I’m increasingly incompetent at some aspects of technology. For example, it’s a real pain for me when something goes wrong with the workstation/laptop connections at work. This happens more often than it should as there’s no routine maintenance, the systems are both old and cobbled together and everyone at work has different laptops and equipment, so comparing with someone else’s isn’t really possible.

I don’t have much of a clue where to look to find the problem and usually ask for help. I am not really interested enough to learn. I do generally manage to work mobile phones and the laptop itself and can Google to problem solve, but the wires everywhere just make me want to roll my eyes. Fortunately there’s other stuff I am very competent at and I help others with other things, so my colleagues are usually willing to help.

"no busses, no walking etc"

it doesn't necessarily sound like you are being manipulated to fill in in the gaps, it just sounds like you both have different ideas of what you want to get out if the holiday? might she just want a more relaxed time?

Since I had a birth injury having my son, I can’t lift things. I mean, physically I can move the sofa to hoover behind it, carry heavy bags, take the full washing basket outside to hang out the laundry - but I shouldn’t because it exacerbates the prolapse and sometimes takes days or weeks to feel ok again. I know people who don’t know my medical history look askance at me when I say I can’t carry something that isn’t technically very heavy - it’s easy to be judgemental and to feel superior because you can do something easily, without bothering to think why someone else can’t do it.

I have asthma, strong perfume triggers it. I tend to move away however, if possible.

also, in what way are you being expected/manipulated to fill in the gaps with someone who doesn't start work until 10:30? If you just stopped filling in the gaps, would the business collapse?

it seems you've listed things that annoy you, that you feel somehow impacts you, but haven't actually clarified what leads you to believe that these women are intentionally acting in a misleading way in order to get you to behave in a certain way or do a certain thing?

So I’m interested to know, are these women married? It could be that their husbands are undermining their confidence, or at least that might be a factor.

Last sentence of the first paragraph of the OP: They are all single.