Manipulated by women that “can’t”

[Mistressofpemberly]

Professional in my fifties with friends and colleagues of same age.
I’m increasing noticing that I’m expected to fill the gap at work and in friendships by women of my age who have fixed ideas about what they can and can’t do. They are all high flying professionals in responsible roles. They are all single.

The feeling that I’m being imposed on has been creeping up on me. I have had a bit of a light bulb moment and recognised that their behaviour is manipulative and I feel that I am being controlled.
AIBU in this? Is it a ‘thing’. Anyone else seeing the same? Examples following….

Even in the 60s I recall our 50-something biology teacher rushing out of the lab with her eyes streaming, saying she was allergic to somebody’s perfume.

I was 14, and it was Hartnell’s ‘In Love’ hand cream I’d been given for my birthday - I was passing it round a flew friends.

Yes, this is a thing, It's called ageism and you should desist.

I have a friend who can't get on the train by herself to the west end to watch a show. She expects me to travel to a London commuter town instead. Apparently she can't travel for safety reasons but expects me to do the same even though I am also a woman.

She also doesn't carry any money or cards with her because she's used to her dh picking up the bill.

This is a woman with a masters degree in education. 🙄

What you describe are educated idiots. The problem is: there are too many of them.

We all have to share airspace with the rest of our fellow humans. Last time I looked, wearing perfume in public wasn't illegal

Honestly it drives me mad and I am seeing more and more of it.

People who can't drive and then expect lifts and make you feel like a knob head not to go out of your way to pick them up etc

People who can't do IT based stuff at work and expect everyone else to pick up the slack yet refuse to upskill themselves - i.e
Using teams - it's not to at hard but instead expect me to download and email them the document that they have access to, every, time.

People who can't cook so never offer to host so that it's always other people hosting etc

The people who can't download Uber app so it falls to others to arrange and pay for the cab is another example

I was told by an ex that I was "too independent".

Perhaps they've learnt that men need jobs and they have to let them "take care" of them. I did say to him at the time I thought that meant he wanted a manipulative woman.

By the time they get to 30 they'll realise they need to be able to do those things alone.

@Stripeysocks1981 I have worked with someone who had a perfume allergy, gave her migraines, then would cause her to throw up. It’s a real thing. She definitely isn’t the kind of person to make it up.

Well at least we didn't get the usual qualifier 'don't have children.'

Sounds like a good plan

This resonates with me. I know people who won’t drive at night, will work out routes where they only need to turn left. Trying to organise a weekend away, one person refused to countenance the hotel we picked because the beds were too short. In the end it all fell apart.

Teams has been mentioned and I really hate it. I use it because I have to but feck is it a shitty piece of software IMHO.

It’s not just women who do this. I work with a chap who is competent but pretends not to be so we have to help him. So frustrating!!!

My mum has definitely become more like this but she uses her age (59) as an excuse as to why she can’t do certain things.

Although, I’m not sure if it’s actually an age thing.

I think some women of all ages like to play dumb/act vulnerable.

I don’t know if they think it makes them more attractive or if they were raised with an attitude of they can’t do certain things because they are female.

No man or women is going to know how to do everything.
But I feel like some women are proud to say they can’t do X, Y, Z and I can’t see as many men doing the same.

There was a thread not long ago with a list of basic jobs and many female posters admitted to not being able to do many of them and have no desire to ever try.

Personally I can’t stand strong perfumes and would remove myself from anyone wearing it. It makes me feel sick. When I was pregnant it would have likely made me throw up.

You would be welcome to sit next to me @Mistressofpemberly if I sit near someone or am put in a room with certain strong smells, I will literally vomit on you

I am 59 and kind of get what you are saying.
I have a large group of friends and we have been mates for nearly 40years.
In the last few years the most they can manage is a walk around the reservoir.
They have given up cycling, wild camping, hiking,climbing river swimming weight lifting, snowboarding etc. Now I know that's not everyone cup of tea but it's stuff we used to do all the time. They are all 'too old ' for that kind of stuff" I feel quite sad because I still enjoy these things. Most I can do alone or with groups but I'm missing being with my mates.

It’s actually a thing that night vision is not as good in females than males.

You are unreasonable
Although I can drive, work full time et etc blah de blah
i worked with men, whose wives and girlfriends could not drive, whose name wasn’t on the mortgage or deeds of the homes they were buying
Women in their fifties are going through a lot.
Be nicer.
oh and I found driving at night a problem, everything glared at me.
I spoke to the optician , who offered me some glasses that sometimes helped people.
Something to do with rods and cones.
I wear them at night, when driving, and it’s clear. They need to see an optician, mine was great, a female optician at Asda

You describe how senior they are professionally as if that contradicts this weaponised incompetence but in my experience these two things often go hand in hand. In my industry (film and TV) the higher up the ladder people climb the more they seem to relish in their inability to do simple tasks. Im not sure if they think the banality is beneath them or if they just are so used to delegating that they default to it even when not really necessary but I find it truly bizarre.

I don't think I know many people like this, my friends tend to be quite active and into travelling and holidays so they can get themselves from A to B.

Some of this in the workplace is daft- if the work day is 10-3pm core hours then meetings take place then, no need to negotiate.

For friends, I wonder if they are just expressing a preference. Like if I went somewhere new, I'd use my Google maps but my friend might also come out and wave and meet me- that's kind of fun. We might discuss how to travel to the airport together, or offer each other a lift on a night out. If one of us is cooking, the other will treat them to a meal out. We discuss food preferences in advance so no-one is surprised or has to eat things out of politeness.

Some of this sounds like you are fed up with being asked for stuff, and see the relationships as unequal, but none of this seems outrageous, they might just be raising issues and you are taking it they can't do it and are pressuring you. Just be calm and nice and state what you can do!

I dread the Winter now when I have to drive home from work in the dark. It's only been in the last year

I don't doubt that scents can make people ill, I find all artificial cleaning and washing powder scents make me feel quite ill and make a migraine worse (although often people think the migraine are triggered by them which they might be, but there's some very interesting research showing that migraines start up to 24 hours before you get symptoms, so it might be increased sensitivity to smell is the result and not the trigger).

There is, though, a whole perfume industry, it's huge, so it can't be a big issue otherwise everyone would be collapsing/having migraines and people would stop wearing perfume, I mean giving perfume as a gift is quite conventional. I just can't add it all up somehow.

Just because you don’t know people doesn’t mean they don’t exist!

I’m very sensitive to perfumes - sometimes I get headaches or blocked sinuses, and rarely but much more worryingly they trigger asthma attacks. It isn’t always an immediate effect: sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up struggling to breathe. This only ever happens when I’ve spent some time that day in an enclosed space with a strong fragrance.

So no, I can’t stay in a meeting room with those stupid air freshener sticks, and I can’t share a car journey with you and your intrusive perfume. I’m not going to risk my health unnecessarily.

The allergies seem to have got worse as I’ve got older, but also my self confidence has increased with age so I don’t mind standing up for myself rather than worry about annoying other people with requests for cleaner air.

Go and see your optician, honestly, it was becoming a problem . She gave me a prescription that helps everything become clearer at night time.
I don’t wear those glasses at all in the day, and couldnt wear them when walking
They would help a little with distance, but I wouldn’t need them at all during the day, let me emphasise again, only at night

You do realise these people are menopausal don’t you, and it’s affecting them, clearly more than you