Manipulated by women that “can’t”

[Mistressofpemberly]

Professional in my fifties with friends and colleagues of same age.
I’m increasing noticing that I’m expected to fill the gap at work and in friendships by women of my age who have fixed ideas about what they can and can’t do. They are all high flying professionals in responsible roles. They are all single.

The feeling that I’m being imposed on has been creeping up on me. I have had a bit of a light bulb moment and recognised that their behaviour is manipulative and I feel that I am being controlled.
AIBU in this? Is it a ‘thing’. Anyone else seeing the same? Examples following….

I think thats where the strategic "bad back" comes in handy. My sister had surgery for something that was as personal as a prolapse (ie something you dont want the world to know about) and when she was restricted she said that she had done her back in. So much sympathy and no one questioned it.

I think that the women the OP is referring to could do things but wont. You are the opposite, you would but you cant.

ETA.....the only time I have ever hoovered behind the sofa was when one went out the door and the new one was about to come in! fuck that shit!

I wonder if everything that annoys me should be lumped under 'disabilities', I can't stand the smell of popcorn, does that fit under fragrances as it's a smell.

But then you're just enabling her. If I was travelling with a friend and they refused to walk or take a but somewhere I wanted to walk or take the bus to I'd just tell them to meet me there and make their own way.

It would never cross my mind that I had to either drive or take a taxi if I didn't want to. I'm not glued by the hip to those I travel with, even when it's my family, so what they choose to do does not constrain me.

Hi @Mistressofpemberly,

I have a lot of trouble with this myself (things I "can't" do)

I spent ages talking to a psychologist about it and worked out what it is. It turns out that very often my body just refuses to do things when I'm be being controlled or manipulated by people.

For example:

In the past if DH said we needed to visit MIL and FIL. I knew that FIL would treat me like dirt on his shoe and the visit would be awful. Low and behold, two days before the flight to visit them, I would get ill, or I would get vertigo, or something else wild would happen. My body would just incapacitate me, so that I couldn't go on the trip.

Anyway, after a long time talking to a therapist, I finally plucked up the courage to tell the ILs to take a hike, and put my foot down with DH. Very very suddenly after that, by body started working again. So I think this can totally be anxiety, and it can be very complicated to fix it.

It was properly weird.

I'm much more mindful now of not letting people push me around, but it can still be very challenging. I mean there are always going to be different demands and some are harder than others to argue against, or to meet.

I've seen weaponised incompetence in all ages but agree age is a factor. It annoys me in the workplace, baffles me in friends.

My husband expected me to be an equal. So I check my own oil, water and tyre pressure in my car. If there's an issue with it I organise the garage. I sort out my MOT, tax, insurance.

I used to paint, decorate, garden.

I used to sail.

I used to do so much but back and hip issues have put paid to so much. Pain limits my life now.

What is funny is husbands New all singing, dancing car with lots of electronics. I said read the manual. He never reads manuals. Today he caved and sat down with the manual.

Son is coming round to give him a lesson 😂

Well there you go! Clearly reading all the details on posts on here is also beyond me! 🥳

🤣🤣

I don’t think it’s an age thing or the fact that they are single, I think you are just noticing it more/becoming aware that you can also create boundaries for yourself.

I recognise this. I have a member of my wider family who pays the incapable so that others rally to her desires. Bloody well works, too. It's annoying.

The perfume thing does ring true to me and it's a bloody nightmare. Artificial fragrances can make me very unwell very quickly. I carry an injectable to help it but it takes a while to kick in and the side effects are nasty. It's not life threatening but during an attack I am in a lot of pain, can't speak, can't move my left side and loose continence.

So I do all that I can to avoid situations where I'd encounter artificial fragrance. Some set me off more severely than others, and I've not been able to work out why. Worst culprits are aftershave, perfume and plug in air fresheners.

I do ask where possible that people don't wear fragrance around me. It's just a request and I have to respect their right to wear whatever they wish. Obviously I can only make a request like this in certain situations and a lot of the time I have to take my chances.

Last month I was at the theatre and someone a few seats away was wearing a strong heady perfume. I used my injectable and left the area with help from a friend but still ended up being very unwell and setting myself- I am a 7 day a week tenna wearer!.

Sorry for long post. I just wanted to defend those of us who really do have a problem with certain smells!

Actually, upon re-reading your examples, it sounds to me like quite a few of the women are just asserting thier boundaries (not taking the bus on holiday, not starting work until 10:30, not driving to the meetup)

could you be jealous that they are asserting thier boundaries, where maybe you aren't?

there's nothing to stop you saying that you aren't going to pick your friend up to drive to the specified place, or saying you aren't happy hanging around the hotel all day so you are getting the bus somewhere.

Re. the holiday stuff I'd just say that I wanted to do xyz and planned to get a bus (or whatever) and tell her she's welcome to join you or to arrange alternate transport if she's not ok with a bus, but that you won't be doing any other organising because you're happy with the current plan so anything else is on her. (And just say, no, you're not willing to drive, if you don't want to - it's your holiday too). And if not you'll catch up with her in the evening back at the hotel.

It may just be that you have different expectations of a holiday - she wants to relax at the hotel, you want to explore. In which case she's not really being unreasonable. Maybe she's willing to keep you company as long as it's a relaxing outing, but if it's not actually something she'd choose to do and she's already compromising to go on the outing at all, why should she put herself out to organise it etc. If you would in fact like her company on the outings then you might need to compromise. If on the other hand she's the one who wants to do the outings just expects you to do all the work to facilitate then then she's a c.f. and you should just say no and do what suits you.

Either way whether it's she's a CF or just that you want different things from a holiday maybe you need to look for a different travel companion - or go away on your own in future

Can I ask what your diagnosis is and what the injectable is?

Your post has rung true for me with some issues my mother has had recently and she has long been sensitive to artificial smells. She gets migraines too.

I would appreciate any help you could give me as she is currently going through investigations for it. PM me if you would prefer it to remain private but I really would be so grateful for any help you could give us.xx

Tbf not driving at night could be because of shitty, shitty headlights that are blinding even when you drive with a dipped mirror and cover your wing mirrors with your hand. There's a petition on here about reviewing the brightness but the government are shit.

I can't set up a tv

Reading this in good faith but I'm really getting some humblebrag vibes of "pick me"/"not like the other girls" 😅 it is very possible to be a woman and be influenced by misogynistic attitudes and to be disproportionately prone to paying more critical attention to/negatively stereotyping other women

Onedaystronger
Sounds almost like a seizure like episode, triggered by something, a common in those fragrances.

I agree with PP who said this sounds like ageist, sexist bullshit.

I'm 60. I will not drive at night. I have no experience doing it (got my license a few years ago) and no need to do so. Only an emergency for one of my cats would make me consider it.

I would also not want to be breathing someone's extremely strong perfume in close quarters. Asthma and headaches would be the result.

As for the sneering at people having dislikes or intolerances for particular foods - well if you try to serve me hot, spicy food, Mexican or Indian for example, I will not eat it, because I know what it will do to me, and will think extremely poorly of anyone who knowingly served it.

Having your own personal boundaries and not wanting to drive or do certain things is absolutely fine. I suspect the issue the OP is highlighting is not the fact that these people dont want to do xyz but that they are expecting HER to do it for them, on their behalf, or cater to their needs.

Eg. If a colleague of mine had an early/night flight and didnt feel comfortable driving to the airport in the dark, I have no problem with that at all- it's entirely up to them if they dont want to do it. However, what I wont do is get up at 3am and drive them there myself. Thats my boundary. They can get an Uber.

No problem at all if you choose not to do something, however, it's not then my responsibility to sort it out for you or on your behalf. I think thats the point.

I have some sympathy with your point of view @Mistressofpemberly

I had a friend at work who had a long list of "can't" s including driving - especially on busy roads (so others always had to do any driving, both work related and social, countless lifts to pubs, restaurants etc) and leaving her dog at home beyond her set hours so could never do extra hours.

Imagine our surprise after several years of this when she suddenly announced a new job. One that involved driving to various sites and she has to drive on busy roads just to get to the new workplace, and a much longer working day (yes she still has the dog).

I actually don’t think it is an age thing. I have come across women much younger than me who can’t use the internet, can’t travel more than 1/2 mile from their home, can’t drive, just can’t on many subjects

After trying to offer solutions I now just say, that’s a pity and move on

I don’t need can’t in my life. I am not their taxi service, prof reader etc

It was when I noticed that any restaurant, outing I picked was always vetoed and only their wants mattered that I started to walk away

I don’t need can’t in my life. I am not their taxi service, prof reader etc

Exactly this. If you cant sort it out yourself, thats shame isnt it, but I wont be doing it for you!

No one can do everything and I get there are some people that can't do simple things that come naturally to others, me included. It is the attitude that annoys me when people can't sure you can't drive, use a computer package, open a packet, find directions or whatever but there is no need for the office to loudly hear you cant, the cries of 'I am being bullied because people don't know I can't find my way but send me to new a place' the dramatic signing and fake crying and the chip on your shoulder and 'the whole world is against me' saga and the 'it is all about me'
No a person did not deliberately buy a packet of coffee you cannot open it was because it was on special, just get on with it

But alos no need to be a martyr, use your voice and say no

It’s when the rest of the office then gang up on you for putting this individual into a meltdown.

I once answered a question on something I knew about.

Didn’t know the circumstances of the individual

Apparently I was public enemy No 1 because I made Sandra from accounts cry because she didn’t like my answer

As would I - and I also have never heard anyone in real life who was so allergic that they couldn't cope.

Yet another example of "only on MN".