Manipulated by women that “can’t”

[Mistressofpemberly]

Professional in my fifties with friends and colleagues of same age.
I’m increasing noticing that I’m expected to fill the gap at work and in friendships by women of my age who have fixed ideas about what they can and can’t do. They are all high flying professionals in responsible roles. They are all single.

The feeling that I’m being imposed on has been creeping up on me. I have had a bit of a light bulb moment and recognised that their behaviour is manipulative and I feel that I am being controlled.
AIBU in this? Is it a ‘thing’. Anyone else seeing the same? Examples following….

I don't know why you would leverage your own ignorance to interrogate the veracity of a statement. That is particularly myopic.

I think that’s very true. The medicalisation of low level anxiety particularly worries me.

I think people (men and women) seem to have forgotten that a certain amount of social discomfort and social competition is part of the drive behind success. Not everyone wants to be an elite athlete or a Goldman Sachs rainmaker and no one should be forced to put themselves in positions that make them miserable but to some extent pushing yourself beyond your comfort zones (whatever those may be) is what helps people grow.

I see this all the time in threads where people rail against the expectation that they will interact with other people at all. My particular bugbear is the ridiculous over-use of the label “introvert” which is usually misapplied to a misanthropic person who has no motivation to get out and spend time with other people. As if a very occasional requirement to come into the office or attend a work social is an affront to someone’s dignity. It’s very childish and self indulgent.

It sends a really awful message to children and young people that they can and should avoid other people purely because they aren’t feeling on top of the world or they are lazy.

All of us sometimes struggle with confidence and self projection. Sometimes that needs to be accommodated but sometimes avoiding these things just entrenches the fear and makes it harder.

@Thepeopleversuswork

My particular bugbear is the ridiculous over-use of the label “introvert” which is usually misapplied to a misanthropic person who has no motivation to get out and spend time with other people

That always irritates me, too. I'm an introvert - all it means is that I do better having some time alone to recharge the batteries. It does NOT mean being shy, or anxious, or misanthropic. I love the company of friends and socialise most days of the week. But I happily come home for some quiet afterward.

My particular bugbear is the ridiculous over-use of the label “introvert” which is usually misapplied to a misanthropic person who has no motivation to get out and spend time with other people. As if a very occasional requirement to come into the office or attend a work social is an affront to someone’s dignity. It’s very childish and self indulgent

I agree with this entirely. I am an introvert. I love people and I love socialising. All it means is, that I need space and time on my own to recharge afterwards, thats where I get my energy from and I can happily spend time on my own. It does not mean that I hate everyone, cant stand talking to anyone or that I expect to live my entire life as a fcking hermit. Thats not being an introvert, thats being a bit of a dickhead.

@cherrypieandcoffee Snap! 😆

@Catsmere hehe! the misuse of that word really irritates me too

Not wanting to socialise or interact with others does not make anyone “a dickhead”.

If people prefer to do that it’s totally fine, their choice, nobody is missing out.

Exactly this. I have met a few deliberately helpless people but learned long ago that it's best to keep a few steps back and largely ignore them, for their own good and mine. If you really have so many of these people around you, you seriously need to rethink your life choices...

Sure- there are times when I dont feel like it either. I am referring to people who are misanthropic about others and hateful about it. Thats not being introverted. People use the word introvert to indicate a hatred of others and thats not what its about.

@cherrypieandcoffee

It does not mean that I hate everyone, cant stand talking to anyone or that I expect to live my entire life as a fcking hermit. Thats not being an introvert, thats being a bit of a dickhead.

Nailed it. I also have introvert tendencies at times and I find this reductive in the extreme.

There is so much of this on here. “I haven’t left my house for years, I hate people, have given up work and refuse to interact with anyone other than my spouse and children. I few furiously affronted when someone tries to make small talk in a shop queue. I refuse to open the door to strangers. I’m an introvert, see!”

No you’re not an introvert. You’re a self absorbed twat.

It may not automatically make someone a dickhead and there are often reasons why people feel this way but it is not a benign choice to eschew society. It’s problematic. It has ramifications for those close to you.

And it certainly has nothing to do with being an introvert.

Sure, I agree it’s not really introversion but the scenario is the same as saying a prolapse is “back pain” as mentioned earlier, it’s hard to tell others that you prefer solitude and generally don’t like being near other people - they take it personally.

“Introversion” is a handy smokescreen for that.

The work thing ... can't start til later = needed discussing at interview if they have issues. If not then they'll have to leave or agree part time hours unless it doesn't work for the business then it would be leave

The other the things are ' lol you're joking right ?!

“Introversion” is a handy smokescreen for that

Yes I can see that but it has twisted the meaning of the word so that any time anyone mentions it, people now roll their eyes and think we hate people or that we think we are somehow "special".

It's irritating because thats not where we are coming from at all and it's very reductive thinking. You can enjoy solitude without having a distain or dislike of others.

Sure but some people do dislike others, it’s just a fact.

Yes, but thats NOT being an introvert! thats the entire point. If you hate others then you are a misanthropist. Dont lump us all together 😉 I suspect people use the word introvert because it sounds more benign. If you dislike everyone, at least own it and call it what it is.

I’m a 34 year old woman and an excellent driver, but I can’t drive at night. Due to vision.
Had the first surgery on my eyes when I was 5 years old, and several since. My vision is fine for driving, I go to the opticians every 6 months to keep on top of it and make sure and I am legal to drive, but I do struggle at night. Not enough to lose my license and no one could stop me driving in the dark, but I know I don’t see as well and I know it’s not worth the risk. So I don’t. Is that ok with you?

Yeah I agreed with that already up there. But the “dickhead” thing was a bit annoying tbh.

I think they are diving into old age too early!
I am now 73, and retired, I don't do anything I don't want to do now! However I don't expect people to do them for me, or put themselves out to accommodate me. I don't drive far at night because despite special glasses etc my night vision on unlit country roads or motorways is not good enough. When i worked and for a few years after, I did everything necessary for a 'normal' life. Since I turned 70, I find I don't enjoy holidays or being away from home, no anxiety involved, I would just rather be at home. It seems a bit strange even to me, but that is how I feel. I walk my dog locally, we are lucky to have beautiful beaches and woodland, and I am happy.

No, I stand by that comment I'm afraid. If you dislike everyone else but think you are different or special then you are a bit of a dickhead. Sorry.

But that’s a problem. Let’s be honest about this.

Being anxious or uncomfortable around people is one thing.

Unilaterally deciding “people” en masse are horrible and best avoided (and you get this a lot on here) is profoundly pathological, unkind and arrogant. It’s a you problem not a society problem.

There’s no upside to this attitude from the perspective of either the individual or society. And being the child of such a person is a miserable and limiting experience.

If people feel like that I personally think it’s a sign that something is not working for them and they ought to work on getting past it as best they can as opposed to indulging and celebrating it. See: “Its too peopley out there,” and other hilarious riffs on profound social dysfunction. If people really can’t bring themselves to do that let them crack on and suit themselves.

But PRing it as “introversion” and celebrating it as something that’s quirky and interesting? Nah.

Unilaterally deciding “people” en masse are horrible and best avoided (and you get this a lot on here) is profoundly pathological, unkind and arrogant. It’s a you problem not a society problem

This is exactly my issue with it too. We all meet people who annoy us from time to time or have people we dont get on with- totally usual and normal. But if you cant get on with anyone at all and every single person irritates you just for merely existing or you have an issue with everyone, then the problem is very clearly you, and not them. But people like this never acknowledge that, it's always that everyone else that is the problem and it's never their own intolerance. They are presumably likeable and not annoying in their view, it's just everyone else who is not.

That is really not a healthy or functional perspective and I think those people would benefit from some self reflection because unless you are going to go live on a remote Scottish island with a population of 4, you cannot live your life completely avoiding other human beings so consequentially you'll be miserable all the time. Not only that, you will be subjecting others to your distain and obvious dislike.

@cherrypieandcoffee

It’s also very needy and attention-seeking to go on about how much you “hate people”.

If you really hated people, you just wouldn’t seek to interact with them at all and wouldn’t advertise the fact.

The “hate people” people are usually just dull, self absorbed narcissists who want to find something to make others pay attention to them. It’s pathetic.

My DH is some of a manic extrovert. He has to be doing from 7am to 10pm. Walk the dogs, breakfast, bike ride to his hobby, chat with mates. Home for lunch, back off out to the garden or fishing. Visiting neighbours. Home for dinner, then the TV, bed.

He doesn't understand reading a book for pleasure when I could be doing something .

I'm happy with my own company, he thinks I'm weird.

I am an introvert, always a quiet , shy child, some social anxiety, love my own company and seek out solitude when I need to recharge.

But, I love people. I love being out with friends, I love meeting new people and find them fascinating. I love people watching and working out what makes them tick. I have learned to be good company and feel comfortable in a group now. I just know my limits as to how much of it I can take without a break (like anything we enjoy).

I agree, being an introvert and hating people are absolutely not the same thing.