Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

Based on your descriptions of your mothers, there will likely be drama either way.
Best to not say a word until it is all over.
Do not commit to a reception until you see how everything has landed. You may not want that either.

Will they care? If so then why do it?
Not inviting parents to your wedding is a pretty big thing, for some. Not even telling them even bigger.
What are the benefits of keeping them in the dark?

I would be delighted if my DCs did this.
We had a v low key wedding at the ro ourselves, only a handful of friends, our kids and our childminder invited.
No family. It was fine, no one was mortally upset.

You can have a small wedding at the registry office. I’d be sad not to see DS get married. I’m not bothered about whether he has a big party afterwards. I’m bothered about him having a wedding with a couple of strangers as witnesses when I’d love to be there myself (and yes I’d happily contribute financially).

Sorry @Whattodoab but whether you tell YOUR parents or not is your decision! If he doesn’t want to tell his that’s his choice but telling you you can’t tell yours beforehand is controlling and nasty!

And yeah I’d be devastated if my daughter eloped and didn’t even tell me.
Talk to your mum

I don’t see it as controlling and nasty at all, I do understand why he doesn’t want to tell anyone. As I’ve explained in the thread the only person who has form for being controlling and nasty is my Mother which is why he doesn’t want to tell her before, to not risk her ruining it.

You’ve answered your own question…
don’t tell her if there’s a risk of her sucking the enjoyment out of it!…

If you call from holiday the night of the wedding would she throw a tantrum and start messaging you? Would she ruin your honeymoon?

They will be devastated.
They might want to come with you.
They might try and persuade you out of it.

A friend's fiancé has several anxiety and is shy to the point of shutting down around anyone even his own parents and his ideal of hell is to be in the spotlight. When they got engaged they agreed just the two of them no one else and because of how close they are she told her mum. It didn't go well. She said she would never forgive her, that she would be devastated and has tried every emotional tactic to get them to change their mind.
It's been so horrible.

Only you know your family/his family. If they'd be disappointed but get over it tell them if they'd want to ruin it for you don't. In this instance it's better to ask forgiveness than permission.

Once you reach the right age and want to get married,the Bible talks about that, your children will leave home ,so which ever way you do it, it's going to be upsetting ,your parents also have done that, unless they are still living with mum and dad,which I don't think so, but that's life it's program in our gens ,its time now to lead your own life, and hope you have learnt from your parents. The right and wrong things of life,it's a big step forward.

This. I wouldn’t mind if either of moms went on holiday and came back married what a great idea.

I’m very close to both my daughters and I would totally support them but be hurt if they didn’t let me know. My eldest has a lovely fiancée who has terrible
anxiety and they will definitely get married quietly and without any of us. I’m fully supportive and it’s way more important that their day is how they want it to be. My youngest is all about the spotlight, my bank account will be praying she elopes and doesn’t need help with the costs 😂

If my child told me I’d congratulate them but if they told me after I’d be really sad (but still congratulate) but op the question is how much would it hurt you not to tell them? Because it’s one thing I couldn’t back down on and a wedding is supposed to be something that’s agreed on

Based on your updates I agree with your DP. It sounds like you envisage a reaction/drama from your mum either way, so it seems like less hassle to have the drama after the wedding rather than potentially souring the lead-up to it.

I would not mind at all however or where ever my grown up children got married.I would be overjoyed if they just made the commitment. But not my business so must refrain from interfering or commenting.

Elope - it is your wedding and nobody else’s.

Don’t tell anybody at all beforehand as the secret will slip out and then people will be upset that X knew but Y didn’t. It also keeps it extra special for you.

You make the call afterwards ‘Mum you are the very first and only person to know this - we just got married. This is a big secret that we are only sharing with you so don’t tell anyone as we have a party planned for X date when we tell everyone else so we want you in on it now.’

Go for it.

I personally think you should let your parents know, I think that would hurt me as a mum more the not knowing, however how you choose to get married is you choice.

Nope, I'd not mind. I'd like to know in advance though.

Slightly different, but my sister was going to get hitched with just 2 friends as witnesses and she said me and my mum could meet her for lunch after. I said I'd really like see her and her partner get married. Reading the above replies, maybe I shouldn't! But thankfully she was happy to do so (she genuinely didn't think I'd want to go) and she also invited a few more friends and her and her partner had a lovely day. My brother on the hand will likely do what you're doing and we are all fine with it as we know he'd hate a big wedding (or any wedding, really!). All the family will just be delighted for them when him and his partner do get hitched. I'm sure your family will understand as it's what you want. But if you think they may be upset, follow your gut and tell them your plans. Congratulations!

We just went and did it. Like you big family's but we figured it was our day, our money, and ultimately our dream to do it this way so we did.
Was anyone angry yea probably but i don't think anyone has a right to be angry in this situation.

I know of 2 couples in my family that did it , you are adults I agree with your husband.

I would be upset that I didn't know. However, you need to think about how you would feel at the time you got married if they didn't know. My daughter, went to the USA with her boyfriend and they decided on the spur of the moment to get married there and then in Las Vegas. But when push came to shove they realised they couldn't do it without their parents knowing. So they put it off and did the same thing the next year but with just close family aware. We were able to watch it live online but it wouldn't have mattered. It would have been the not being told that would have been upsetting and hurtful.

I'm really hoping my DS elopes...

Id probably be upset if I didn’t know it was happening at all, but just because I’d want to hear about your plans for your grand adventure when you were planning it. It sounds like you want to tell your own parents, just say to him it’s important to you that you are able to talk about your plans with your mum & dad so you are going to tell them, then suggest he tells his parents so they don’t feel they were left out later.

This is lovely! I would be really happy for my children, but then I eloped lol. My family were fine with it. It was for us not them. Dh's mum didn't speak to us for a year...