Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

What if your daughter isn’t into weddings or dresses or any of that stuff though, and you know that she actively didn’t want that? What if she had a small registry office wedding with a handful of guests but wanted to get married in a pink suit from ASOS? Would that still upset you? Ultimately what YOU (or any parent) would choose to do for your own wedding/your kids’ wedding, or whether you want to see your kids in a wedding dress, is irrelevant, because it’s their marriage and their choice, and not everyone wants the traditional faff and everything that involves.

Bu that's all about your own sentimental ideas about wedding dresses and 'joy'. Which is fine, obviously, if you're the one getting married, like trying on dresses, and feel 'joyful' about your wedding. But some women get married in jeans and while they may be happy in their relationship, the actual wedding day may cause them no more emotion than signing any other contract would. Stop projecting.

You sound pretty selfish though, your child’s wedding isn’t about you 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think most mums would be really sad. That said, I don't think they'd be less sad if you warned them ahead of time.

I would be deeply hurt rather than angry, and would struggle to understand it. It wouldn't matter to me whether you told me in advance or not because I would want to be there to watch and celebrate you get married.

This.

No I wouldn’t mind if my son (25) did this his life his choice

Not everyone wants a big celebration

I didn’t and got pressured in to it

if I married again I would elope

my son is 25 if he eloped I would be fine with it, his life his choice

It’s not about the parents though is it? It’s about the bride and groom

My parents did this. My dad’s parents didn’t give a toss, my mum’s were furious (as were two siblings, but the other two stuck up for her and told everyone it was her choice what she did!). I’m of the opinion that it’s your wedding, so do what you want, and everyone else can do one! But I would be aware there may be some backlash - try not to let it influence your opinion of what YOU want to do though. Sending love.

Wouldn’t bother me in the least.

I had this conversation with my DDs last year - we were talking about them getting married (in the future, they're both late teens at the moment) and all the things they would or wouldn't want to have or do. I concluded that I was very happy to help in any way they want, and would support any choices they made as long as in the case where one decided to elope, they let me know in advance.

I think I would be a bit sad not to be there when my DDs get married, but if I got to have my wedding as I wanted it, and this will be their turn(s). I think you should let your DPs know in advance, as long as you don't think they'll try and gate crash!

My only son did this last year and yes I was really upset! I totally understand why he did it but it would have been nice to have known beforehand so that I could have been there in Spirit. Instead he told us when he got home. But he is happy and too me, that is the most important thing. Is all water under the bridge now and there was no lasting damage to our relationship

So am I the only one who'd rather not know before they did it?

Seriously, if I knew before, however much I appreciated it being their choice, understood why, and would say so, I'd dwell on what was happening and what I was missing out on, on the day.
But if my DD and her partner arrived back after a holiday and said 'by the way, we got married' I'd just be thrilled with the suprise and not worry about having missed out at all, as it's all done and dusted.

I must confess if my DS was planning to elope I would appreciate it if he told me that was the plan. I would be ok with not being there (assuming his partners family were also excluded) but I’d like to know that they were goi g away to get married.

All families are different though and it sounds as if it would be less hassle if yours were not forewarned

I totally agree. My DD didn't tell me, I'm glad she didn't. I didn't have time to dwell on it. She just turned up - married. It was the right thing for them, and we do have a very good relationship.

Well, my DH and I got married just the two of us. My only regret was not eloping. We told family beforehand, my family and friends were absolutely fine, his family went ballistic, ruined our entire engagement, spoiled the first couple of years of our marriage, and we ended up going NC with them & his parents have never met our children. It's really shitty.

Honestly though, they'd likely have reacted the same if we'd eloped, but at least we wouldn't have had our engagement ruined, so would have been one less thing they spoiled.

You're never going to know how they'll take it until you do it, so really it's up to you both to make your decision, it really could go either way.

i don’t 100% agree with ‘their wedding, their choice.’ A wedding is a rite of passage which most friends and families want to attend and celebrate. Frankly, I find it odd when a couple want to cut themselves off in this way.
Would they not tell friends and family if they were very ill,had an accident, had a baby?
There are however understandable situations like the OPs difficult mother. Also, I don’t think couples should be bullied into having the kind of wedding they don’t want.
But to marry in isolation? It goes against all normal social mores and conventions.

Pretty selfish?
What a ridiculous inference.

Not really. How is wanting someone else’s wedding, even if it is your child’s, to be the way you want it regardless of what said child wants for their own wedding, not selfish?

She said ‘ I would love nothing more to see them both married’ - nothing about the way she wants it regardless of what said wants for their own wedding.

Nope. They have done their wedding their way. Happy for them

I’m afraid that I, as a mum, would be a bit upset. We’re a family of extroverts that love weddings though. I wouldn’t fall out with them over it, and of course would be happy for them, but I would definitely feel hurt. I lost my mum before getting married and would have given anything to have her there so perhaps that colours my view.

Only you know your families. I have friends who eloped and don’t regret it at all. Not everyone (especially on here) loves weddings.

We got married ( almost 30 years ago) abroad, didn’t tell our parents. The only person I told was my sister, just to show her the dress/shoes!
We had booked a holiday to Greece and decided to get married in the local registry office, we organised it a couple of months before we left.
My parents took it very well, my dad paid for a meal in a local hotel a month or so afterwards, typically my mother in law, although at the time seemed happy enough, started to say in years since- how upset she was, she wanted a traditional wedding for all her kids🙄
Wouldn’t mind but she’s not that religious, my parents were Catholic, still nothing makes her happy, if we had had the traditional wedding, she’d moan about the cost, fuss , like she has done with all her grandkids weddings.
Its your life, your choice, there’s always people that moan, who cares, do what makes you happy 💖

It kind of is though. Weddings are traditionally about families and celebrating together. You could argue that it’s selfish to leave your parents out of your plans. I can see both sides though and of course it depends on the people involved and how close the relationships are.

This. The "it's all about you" argument is surely the ultimate example of selfishness. Nothing is "all about us".

As you say, it's about knowing your family. We've mentioned mums but lots of dads massively look forward to especially walking the daughters down the aisle.

In some families, weddings are not a big deal or just viewed as a personal thing and that makes eloping possible without causing hurt.