Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

It’s got nothing to do with the closeness of the relationships with family. Some people simply do not like weddings and the traditions involved, or even find them sexist (the father walking daughter down the aisle for example to “give her away” - many women would say they’re not a possession to be given to anyone). Not everyone wants to marry in this way, even if they don’t elope, many people actively dislike the “tradition” element or prefer to bend and go against social convention rather than obey it.

I’m curious how the people on here who would be hurt by an elopement because they value the tradition side of weddings would feel if their adult child said they hated everything about the tradition of weddings - do you really think they should go against their own values just to please you and wider family?

'Their wedding, their choice' is fine. What's often forgotten is the proviso that doesn't seem to occur to those chanting that mantra. You suck up the consequences of that choice. I.e. no children invited, be prepared for parents not to attend. You don't have carte blanche for treating would-be guests poorly ie. pushing off for hours to take pictures or expecting some guests to entertain themselves whilst the others attend an afternoon reception. And this also works in reverse. There is no call to treat couples rudely - even when one half does happen to be your child - because you don't happen to approve of their choice.

The above examples are simply bad manners. Eloping is not because it asks nothing, makes no crazy demands, and places no expectation whatsoever on anyone else.

'Social mores and conventions' are precisely the reason some of us do prefer to elope. When I hear 'tradition', I also hear the ideas and expectations of others dictating how things should be done. I'm not remotely interested in that.

Eloping suited us and we are unrepentant. In fact, DH and I were talking recently about our wedding and agreed that if we could have our time over again, we'd make exactly the same decision.

Our wedding was indeed all about us. That you consider that to be an ultimate example of selfishness is not my problem, or indeed anyone’s.

IMO a couple absolutely should centre themselves on their wedding day, the one wedding day they anticipate having, and it’s unreasonable for their families to think the wishes of the bride and groom are of lesser importance than their own.

I hate an elopement not for tradition but as in cutting out the people who sacrificed everything for you as no longer important to you and not worth even telling. It's like saying I'm an adult now fuck you .....I then wonder how many ask for support and help later. Yet the loving parent doesn't voice their hurt and continues like they are happy they were not there and worries about you until their dying day.

This reads like they need to be in your thrall until you die. Imo that's not how you bring up kids. You have to let them go.

My sister and husband eloped and told no one but their respective adult children who were witnesses.

My mum was upset for about ten minutes then we all went out for a celebratory evening dinner and all was forgiven.

It's your wedding, your life and you are making a new family. Do what you both want.

Your kids don’t owe you a wedding. It’s one event in their whole lifetime and you’re choosing to put this symbolism on it.

Of course, in theory it is totally up to the B&G, but I too, find it odd when a couple want to cut themselves off in this way, if they haven't previously had good reason to cut themselves off from their family.

OP, it sounds as if an elopement is your best bet in order to avoid distress cause by DM and MIL. Push and Pull factors seem to feature largely in elopements often with a backstory of avoiding ex partners, difficult parents etc.
The eldest son of a friend went away to get married , just the 2 of them and their 2 children. They came back with photos of the 4 of them. Friend put on a brave face but was devastated. The daughter in law was weird, up her own arse and difficult*.
A shame her social shortcomings denied her new husband’s family the pleasure of seeing them married. My friend told him to ‘grow a pair’
*example: if a visit to son and DIL was arranged for 2 o’clock and they arrived at 1.50/1.55 DIL would not let them in until dead on 2pm. They had to wait in the garden while DIL stood at the window looking at them and tapping on her watch.
tbh I think the son was an idiot to allow his wife to treat his parents like this.
sorry for the derail!

Good for you 👍

They don't owe me a wedding and my son has 3 kids and isn't married and that's fine I love my not DIL but if they do get married and do not tell me (and the other parents) I'd feel very disappointed that they either thought nothing of us or that the promise to each other was no more important than what do we eat tonight. I don't expect big weddings, parties or expense but I'd like to know I'm the same way I'd like to know if my child was having an operation....they are always your children.

My sister told me her wedding plans, which didn't include me as they were having parents only. I'd rather she'd told me after the event TBH. She felt she was including me. I felt she was excluding me.
OP, I'd not tell your parents in advance.

Thank you. It was.

Agree totally ....there must be more to it than the crap spouted about money....weddings don't have to be big, in the country, paid for by B&G etc....id happily pay to travel to watch my child married even if it was a day trip then leave them alone...at worst I'd like to know the date and time to think of them and wish them well in my heart.

I agree, too. And why have an elopement/ secret wedding then expect people to attend a ‘party’ later? Sorry, but if I can’t come to the ceremony why would I come to the party?
Why exclude all the people who have previously invested so much in your lives?
But the OP has problems with relatives so I can understand the elopement.

Do you apply it both ways and never ask your parents for any help ..no childcare, no help if you are caught out with power cuts, food shortages, broken down and stranded on road, can't get to hospital etc! Do you bother visiting sending birthday cards etc? Family life is two ways not just being there when I need you keep away when I don't that's what stroppy teenagers expect.

I actively encourage mine to do it. Saves a fortune and a hell of a lot less hassle.
Wouldnt be remotely bothered

for me personally marriage is no more important than what I’m eating for dinner, it was purely procedural so we could live in the same country. I don’t like the institution of marriage or the history or the associated traditions and I don’t see it as the pinnacle of my achievements so I didn’t see it as anything more than signing a contract, and I wouldn’t throw a party if I was getting a mortgage or a new job. It’s absolutely nothing to do with my relationships with my family or not. Having a wedding would’ve gone against all my personal values and beliefs. If you were my mum and knew all this would you really still expect me to have a wedding?!

Yes, exactly this. And part of the reason we didn't tell anyone other than our witnesses was because I didn't want my mother/SILs inserting their emotions about it all. I get to define the meanings my own marriage has for me, and that is that it's an unexciting legally-useful document which has very little to do with the quality and happiness of my relationship. Other people are obviously equally entitled to weep over their personalised vows and have fleets of flowergirls throwing rose petals, and regard it as the best day of their lives, but if I feel the marriage ceremony itself is a akin to signing a mortgage or insurance contract, then I certainly don't want anyone else infecting it with their ideas about what it 'should' mean or what I 'should' be feeling.

Feeling your wedding is a big deal, or that your wedding is not a big deal are equally valid positions. What is not a valid position is 'I feel that my child's wedding should be a big deal to him/her, therefore I should have been invited'.

So yours is a marriage of convenience no more than for immigration and financial transactions. I would hope that my children do it because they love each other. I totally respect my son not wishing to marry they have been together for 11 years with 3 children he doesn't feel now is the time my NDIL would like to get married that's for them to decide.

I’d be totally relieved, to be perfectly honest.

I mean, if we didn’t love each other we’d have split up rather than marry to gain the rights to live in the same country wouldn’t we? Marriage isn’t historically a declaration of love though, it’s about ownership and subjugation of women and is a legally binding contract that actually doesn’t have anything to do with love. The religious interpretation doesn’t mean anything to me either as I’m not religious. So I’d rather remove my own eyes with a melon baller than have a wedding or partake in any of the traditional aspects of marriage. None of my feelings on the matter have any connection to my family or my relationship with them. My parents would be welcome to disagree and have their own interpretation of marriage but that doesn’t mean they get to impose their values and opinions on me.

I never ask mum for any of that stuff actually. She's given me lots of help and I'm not asking for any more.

Depends if you want to get entitlement to live somewhere or give it to someone else I guess

But you took it now, suddenly you won't so I guess you're either making a point to the death/come by sudden riches that means you will never struggle and don't need to use your parents anymore or have fallen out.

Most loving parents never tell their adult children when they feel the actions of their offspring are hurtful they suck it up smile wish you well and carry on helping when asked. Not owing parents anything doesn't mean your parents don't feel hurt when cut out like a carbuncle.