Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

This is a great way to do it and still let your parents feel valued and included.

I would be absolutely delighted at not having to go to a wedding or being expected to pay for one.

Yes I would be gutted if either of my Children did this, I would love nothing more than to see them both marry. Luckily neither of them are selfish enough to do it.

I'd be grateful they had the saved me the faff of a wedding tbh 😂

Depends how you handle telling people. My brother did this twice. First time he told us straight after. Second time I found out via a vague acquaintance i met in the chiller aisle at Asda. She knew because her daughter was friends with one of my brothers step children. It was embarrassing because she assumed i knew and it shone a spotlight on my very weird family dynamics.

Your wedding, your way as they say. I wouldn't be mad but I'd be very sad and hurt not to be part of the wedding. I'd try to hide that from my child though.
Unlike a friend of mine who eloped. Her parents never forgave her, brought it up constantly and it has really affected their relationship.

As to whether to tell them before or after... I think I'd find it really painful to hear 'we're going abroad to get married but you're not invited.' If you're going to elope, elope in the true sense of the word. If you do tell them before, don't give exact details as whilst I wouldn't do this, I can imagine some parents would hate crash.

*gatecrash!

This 100%.
And a wedding doesn’t have to be elopement or £20,000. You can have a lovely small wedding.

I would be upset, yes.

I am okay with our parents being quietly upset, this is expected and I think it would be unreasonable of us to not expect them to feel some kind of way
This doesn’t sound very kind to me, and quite self-centred. Elope if you want to but why upset people on purpose?

She’s planning the wedding that she wants, she isn’t planning to have it that way to purposefully upset anyone.

That it will is unfortunate, but that in itself isn’t a reason not to have the wedding they want.

If any relatives make a big deal of it, it's obvious they wanted it to be more about them than you as a couple.

Marriage is about the COUPLE... yet so much stress, expectation, planning, involvement, conflict is forced upon couples from family members who have expectations of how it should be.

Everyone who I've heard has eloped has said it's the best decision they every made.

Your DP may have one level of relationship with parents and you may have another. Based on your own sensitivity, I would support an "intimation" or a strong hint to your parents (with a promise of secrecy on their part, of course). Elope (to a safe and sunny place), if that's what turns you both on!! Enjoy.

It depends on what type of parents you have I suppose.

If you have parents that would try and persuade you not to do it then I could understand not telling them.

Personally, I would be happy for my DS to get married however he wanted to, so I hope he would tell me if he was planning to elope as I would completely respect his choice. I think I would be upset if he did it without telling me as I'd like to think he has more trust in me than that.

Have to say it’s not the elopement itself that would upset me as long as no one else went either…

but I’d be upset about missing out on helping my DD choose a Wedding dress and seeing her in it, about sharing in her joy on the day. … BUT it doesn’t sound like you have a very nice relationship with your parents, seems more like one of tolerance … so in that case I don’t suppose i would care. My brother and his GF live abroad and have children out there… they eloped and only emailed my mum as they boarded the plane telling her they were getting married tomorrow… relations are strained so no one cared.

From what you have said your mother will probably make it all about her whatever you do. If you marry here or let her know in advance she’ll make a fuss. If you elope she’ll make a fuss afterwards about how upset she is. So go for what works best for you.

Because my wedding is about two people and two people only. Myself and DP.

Of course we’re anticipating our parents are going to feel some kind of way they aren’t watching us get married. It would be entirely ridiculous for us to be operating on the assumption they are going to be over the moon they’re not invited. We’re not delusional.

I have no idea how that makes us self centred or wanting to upset people on purpose? Yes we’re okay with the fact they will be quietly upset otherwise we wouldn’t have considered getting married without them. We have ran through every potential scenario. I expect them to be quietly upset but I think if they make a big deal out of it then they are the ones being self centred and unkind. It’s not about them. Forcing your child to have the wedding you want and not the one they want is selfish. Even if that means not including you. It’s not about you.

I think the fact we are putting a lot of thought in to the best time to tell them to try to limit the amount of upset instead of not caring shows we’re the opposite of unkind.

I think it would be better to tell them a good bit beforehand. It will give them the chance to get used to the idea and hopefully wish you well. Telling them after is nothing but a "fuck you", and it's a bit off to invite them to celebrate it afterward when you didn't even want them to know about it. That isn't a compromise. That is CFery.

But what if your DD didn’t want that ‘traditional’ wedding experience? What if what your DD wanted was to elope? Would what you wanted for her wedding be more important than what she wanted?

You don’t have to have a bad relationship with a parent to have very different ideas to them.

Don’t be disillusioned. I love my Mum and my partner loves his. There is definitely way more to the relationship than just tolerance. Our relationships are just complex.

I won’t be wearing a traditional wedding dress. Would that change how you felt about that? We will be hiring a photographer so they will see photos but my Mum won’t be handed a photo of me in a lovely white wedding dress.

On the other hand I think it’s very selfish to think anyone else’s wedding should be about anyone except the people getting married, it’s exactly this kind of attitude that encourages people to just get married without everyone else’s expectations.

I'd have been very disappointed rather than angry. I've been to my children's weddings and they were among the happiest days of my life.

My parents eloped because apparently both sets of grandparents were being really overbearing and demanding over a wedding so they just went off, did it and told everyone afterwards.

I’d have happily done the same but DH wanted something slightly bigger. I think weddings should be entirely up to the couple and anyone who thinks otherwise is selfish and should get out more.

If I personally was upset by my dc making this decision and going ahead with it I would be a hypocrite myself.
As I want to do the same thing due to family dynamics, his parents are separate father married ap mother still bitter after 28 years although engaged to her partner of 20 years. We couldn't even have a party with her involved after , she is all about herself it's all mememe with her, she would find a way , so we just never put ourselves in that position, if my sons decided to do this I would be over the moon for them , but my daughter I would want to know beforehand so I could do something special for her personalised from us as our only daughter and it would she something she could take with her , I think girls like to keep mum updated and I would expect my dc to be able to tell us of their decision with the confidence that they would be supported in their decision, so maybe I would be hurt that they didn't fill me in , as we are a very open family , one of our sons got engaged at their baby shower I was invited but I was a godparent the same weekend to my niece , so couldn't make it and he didn't inform me of any importance to the day , I could of made it if I had the heads up it was on my way home, but I had no idea he would be attending, it was all set up by him and her mother so even she didn't give me the heads up, so I was disappointed but not at all angry plus they split a year ago , it is actually a hard one this , if you are close to your parents and let them know do you feel they would be happy for you and not cause drama or do you feel a massive kick off ahead of the news , which decision is easier and more comfortable for yourself, you don't need guilt hanging over you on your special day, it's extremely personal to you and your husband to be , if people can't be happy for you that is on them not you guys, just make sure that you feel comfortable and happy in your decision and congratulations to you both.

It isn't about being selfish, it's more selfish to be annoyed.
It's their life our children aren't our possessions they are entitled to their own life and decisions.

DP should decide on how much info is told to his parents, while you should decide what's best to be told to yours. After all, that's the real relationship that is at risk here.
Also it depends on whether your parents are able to keep the secret. If they are likely to gossip or immediately tell everybody (mainly tell the DP parents) then your parents kinda are to blame from being kept from knowing.

If dp decision on this feels like "my way or the high way" then is this how all decisions will be made for the rest of the marriage?