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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my best friend is taking the piss

509 replies

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 14:59

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 22/05/2024 19:52

MsFogi · 22/05/2024 19:35

This is how I read your CF's message OP (whilst all the time having a vision of Anne in Motherland running around for Amanda):

you sound really pissed off. - making you sound a bit unreasonable

I just thought we could make do until September = I thought I'd get away with using you until September, does the 'we' mean you and her as this great friendship team (where you do all the helping out)

(to get the funding for y) = link it to something that may or may not actually work out but deflect the ownership of taking the piss from your 'friend' onto the need to wait for fuding (note everyone else has to do the same so it's irrelevant)

with some help from friends and family = surely you are a friend so you'd offer (and continue to offer 'some' help?

but that was so stupid, im doing work and mumming badly. - Interesting use of I (rather than 'we' now), gives you a prompt to say you're not stupid/mumming badly and be a helpful friend by supporting her in her time of feeling so stupid and having a 'mumming badly' crisis because surely as a friend that's what you'd do?

You’ve obviously done way more than you were comfortable with = pretending that you had offered to do something but have now done more than you intended and making you sound a bit unreasonable because it's just more than 'you' were 'comfortable' with rather than her taking the piss

so sorry you feel like - non apology, puts it on you rather than her

I’ve taken the piss. - harsh description of herself so that a good friend likes you feels guilted into saying 'oh no you haven't taken the piss' (and then gets asked to do a 'few' more favours)

I do really appreciate your help. - I'd bloody hope so!!! No points for this statement that was easy to make and also 'gives' you appreciation so that you may feel obligation in return

I know y ruined your day with your sister the teething really didn’t help I suppose!!! - she didn't ruin your day it was y who did that and let's make it a bit jokey with all those exclamation marks!!!

It’s so hard juggling it all and now the childminder said she’s full. - poor me! Any friend is surely going to want to help a friend who is sharing how hard all this is (on top of feeling so stupid and mumming badly)

I’m a twat. I should have taken the space. Now it’s even more of a mess!!!! - more guilt layered on - surely as a friend you're going to need to offer words of comfort to your friend in need and then she'll ask for some help and because you offered words of comfort you will need to follow the logic and help (it's a classic sales/manipulation technique to get people tied into their logic so they end up doing stuff they don't want to do)

I’m going to try and sort childcare and flexible working asap. - really? when? No mention of what she's going to do for childcare in the meanwhile I suspect she's going to need to 'make do with some help from friends and family' because surely any friend would help out whilst she's 'trying' and feeling like a twat/it's so hard/feeling so stupid etc etc

Can I take you to spa? - so that I can create an obligation on you to be a good friend and help whilst I'm 'trying' to sort childcare out. Even offering creates a sense of obligation (again a classic manipulation/sales technique). And a spa really suggests that you're good friends so such a good friend would surely continue to help out a friend who is feeling so awful?

We can have a wine and laugh about how naive I was - feeling 'naive' any good friend is going to have to help her out with how bad she's feeling....

Spot on.

angelfacecuti75 · 22/05/2024 19:54

Say "Bestie ...you know I love you but I cannot keep looking after your DD. I got my own kids and life to think about. You might mot like this but I won't look after her again. You need to sort out formal arrangements for her so please don't ask me again as the answer will be no. I work part time to be with my own kids , not look after yours I am afraid. I hope in time you will be able to look past this but I have put off saying it for a while but can no longer. "

lhlh · 22/05/2024 20:06

MsFogi · 22/05/2024 19:35

This is how I read your CF's message OP (whilst all the time having a vision of Anne in Motherland running around for Amanda):

you sound really pissed off. - making you sound a bit unreasonable

I just thought we could make do until September = I thought I'd get away with using you until September, does the 'we' mean you and her as this great friendship team (where you do all the helping out)

(to get the funding for y) = link it to something that may or may not actually work out but deflect the ownership of taking the piss from your 'friend' onto the need to wait for fuding (note everyone else has to do the same so it's irrelevant)

with some help from friends and family = surely you are a friend so you'd offer (and continue to offer 'some' help?

but that was so stupid, im doing work and mumming badly. - Interesting use of I (rather than 'we' now), gives you a prompt to say you're not stupid/mumming badly and be a helpful friend by supporting her in her time of feeling so stupid and having a 'mumming badly' crisis because surely as a friend that's what you'd do?

You’ve obviously done way more than you were comfortable with = pretending that you had offered to do something but have now done more than you intended and making you sound a bit unreasonable because it's just more than 'you' were 'comfortable' with rather than her taking the piss

so sorry you feel like - non apology, puts it on you rather than her

I’ve taken the piss. - harsh description of herself so that a good friend likes you feels guilted into saying 'oh no you haven't taken the piss' (and then gets asked to do a 'few' more favours)

I do really appreciate your help. - I'd bloody hope so!!! No points for this statement that was easy to make and also 'gives' you appreciation so that you may feel obligation in return

I know y ruined your day with your sister the teething really didn’t help I suppose!!! - she didn't ruin your day it was y who did that and let's make it a bit jokey with all those exclamation marks!!!

It’s so hard juggling it all and now the childminder said she’s full. - poor me! Any friend is surely going to want to help a friend who is sharing how hard all this is (on top of feeling so stupid and mumming badly)

I’m a twat. I should have taken the space. Now it’s even more of a mess!!!! - more guilt layered on - surely as a friend you're going to need to offer words of comfort to your friend in need and then she'll ask for some help and because you offered words of comfort you will need to follow the logic and help (it's a classic sales/manipulation technique to get people tied into their logic so they end up doing stuff they don't want to do)

I’m going to try and sort childcare and flexible working asap. - really? when? No mention of what she's going to do for childcare in the meanwhile I suspect she's going to need to 'make do with some help from friends and family' because surely any friend would help out whilst she's 'trying' and feeling like a twat/it's so hard/feeling so stupid etc etc

Can I take you to spa? - so that I can create an obligation on you to be a good friend and help whilst I'm 'trying' to sort childcare out. Even offering creates a sense of obligation (again a classic manipulation/sales technique). And a spa really suggests that you're good friends so such a good friend would surely continue to help out a friend who is feeling so awful?

We can have a wine and laugh about how naive I was - feeling 'naive' any good friend is going to have to help her out with how bad she's feeling....

Agree with this.

AhNowTed · 22/05/2024 20:13

That's a great response from her.

She's obviously thought it through, and seems genuinely contrite and apologetic.

Big relief OP.

Opleez · 22/05/2024 20:20

TeaandBissKwitts · 22/05/2024 13:24

That's a really adult response from her and she is definitely a friend worth keeping. She's recognised where she's gone wrong, feels bad and wants to make it up to you.

You are both seem really nice.

Agreed. Both sound like people I’d like in my mum tribe. Well done, OP

InSpainTheRain · 22/05/2024 20:26

She isn't your best friend, she is using you. Just tell her no!

Jhgdsd · 22/05/2024 20:32

Findingthisweekhard · 22/05/2024 13:22

I feel like this is the ultimate level of adulthood. I am always such a people pleaser I never stand up for myself so I guess it took her a while to get over the shock of me putting myself first and she values our friendship enough to be accept my perhaps harsh but true message?

The ultimate level of adulthood would be taking a long hard look at @MsFogi stupendous breakdown of EXACTLY how manipulative a user your "friend" is.

She is SOOOOO far ahead of you in sheer CFxxkery.
She has sent you a non apologetic, passive aggressive reply, implying you have over reacted, and not been a team player in her plan to wing it for many, many months to have free childcare.

To hell with you and your twins.
Your day off was simply unfortunate collateral damage to her childs teething...tough.
A "Spa day" is her offer to guilt you into backtracking as she will need you again.

Naive she most certainly isn't.
She is about 20 steps ahead of you, at least...... and doesn't she know it.

Mind yourself OP.
She is NO friend.

merryandbrightdelight · 22/05/2024 20:32

Her response acknowledging what she has done is great - I really hope you can put this behind you, and I hope you both enjoy the spa!

Thursdaygirl · 22/05/2024 20:35

angelfacecuti75 · 22/05/2024 19:54

Say "Bestie ...you know I love you but I cannot keep looking after your DD. I got my own kids and life to think about. You might mot like this but I won't look after her again. You need to sort out formal arrangements for her so please don't ask me again as the answer will be no. I work part time to be with my own kids , not look after yours I am afraid. I hope in time you will be able to look past this but I have put off saying it for a while but can no longer. "

That would also have been a very good message to send (particularly ‘I work part time to be with my own kids, not look after yours’j.

memyselfi · 22/05/2024 20:41

shenandoahvalley · 22/05/2024 19:08

I’m very surprised at PPs’ posts. That “apology” is nothing of the sort. She is extremely annoyed, doesn’t think she’s does anything wrong other than getting your willingness to help wrong, has stopped just short of accusing you of not being there for her, stopped just short of saying why didn’t you tell me sooner - read her reply and it’s all me me me. Her only positive thing to you was “I do really appreciate your help”. Everything else was about her.

This is a woman who thinks other people should give her stuff (time, favors, money etc) because she doesn’t have enough of her own. I wouldn’t be surprised if the spa day gets downgraded to drinks at her place because she can’t find childcare and you’ve got more free time than her; she’s going to have lots of “emergencies” and blame it on lack of available childcare; she’s going to complain about the cost of everything and her stress levels etc. The teething comment was just unbelievable and tells you what you need to know. Honestly, someone who can assume that friends and family would help her out with childcare for months on end when she knows they are paying for theirs, is a complete chancer. That’s all there is to it.

Put it this way: would you have ever made such an assumption of her?

Exactly!!!!!

StarvingMarvin222 · 22/05/2024 20:51

TeaandBissKwitts · 22/05/2024 13:24

That's a really adult response from her and she is definitely a friend worth keeping. She's recognised where she's gone wrong, feels bad and wants to make it up to you.

You are both seem really nice.

I don't think it is.It reeks you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
She knows if she's nice now you're more willing to help.
I don't think it's a genuine apology.
She's still not taking full responsibility.

Jhgdsd · 22/05/2024 20:54

OP, you know the cost of daily childcare.
I suggest you tot up how much you have saved her.
I suspect it is a lot of money.
She is 20 steps ahead of you.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/05/2024 20:55

It will be very interesting to see what she does for childcare whilst she works now!

Don’t cave, @Findingthisweekhard !

Sunnyandsilly · 22/05/2024 21:10

I’m cynical. The fact she drops in the childminder is full and she was hoping to get through to sept, makes me think she wants you to step up , that’s what’s behind your message, she’s softening you up. Silly me and I’ve no childcare, what will I do, it’s just till sept.

Needtofixmyageingskin · 22/05/2024 21:12

Umbrellasinthesunshine · 22/05/2024 13:35

Muddle through til with “help” from family and friends until SEPTEMBER?!?! Wow! Good job you drew that boundary now. Well done on tackling it head on OP.

I’m still 🤦‍♀️ that anyone can plan to work full time with no childcare organised at all for a 1 yr old…

Yes exactly. The odd day I've ever had to work from home with my one year old has been atrocious 😂

Gcsunnyside23 · 22/05/2024 21:20

Sunnyandsilly · 22/05/2024 21:10

I’m cynical. The fact she drops in the childminder is full and she was hoping to get through to sept, makes me think she wants you to step up , that’s what’s behind your message, she’s softening you up. Silly me and I’ve no childcare, what will I do, it’s just till sept.

I agree, I feel like she's setting it up that it's only a while with no spaces in childcare (because of her stupidity) and for you to respond that you'll help her out until sept. If op doesn't stay firm then she will have the kids on her days off too. God, how tragic would the summer have been with the cf friend asking favours from everyone

Fallingforwards · 22/05/2024 21:46

I think your friend's response was perfect. She messed up, she owned it. Moving on with laughter and G&T. If only everyone could handle conflict so well as you both have.

ButterCrackers · 22/05/2024 21:46

You got a good reply. Keep firm boundaries as she’ll try to be nice so you’ll say yes to childminding her kids. Don’t do the spa treat because that will be leverage to ask for you to look after her kids again. She’s not a good friend. Find another best friend.

TellingBone · 22/05/2024 22:20

Offered a spa day. Definitely on MN. 😑

Jl2014 · 22/05/2024 22:29

You both sound like you’ve been reasonable. Good msg from you and good she responded an acknowledgment of the situation. Well done to you both!!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/05/2024 22:48

angelfacecuti75 · 22/05/2024 19:54

Say "Bestie ...you know I love you but I cannot keep looking after your DD. I got my own kids and life to think about. You might mot like this but I won't look after her again. You need to sort out formal arrangements for her so please don't ask me again as the answer will be no. I work part time to be with my own kids , not look after yours I am afraid. I hope in time you will be able to look past this but I have put off saying it for a while but can no longer. "

Nice as it is to be on good terms again, this is something to keep at the back of your mind when having conversations that start to cross your boundaries again.

Sceptical123 · 22/05/2024 22:52

StarvingMarvin222 · 22/05/2024 20:51

I don't think it is.It reeks you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
She knows if she's nice now you're more willing to help.
I don't think it's a genuine apology.
She's still not taking full responsibility.

Show quote history

I agree with this. Doesn’t seem genuine at all. She’s clearly manipulative and this is the 2nd phase now you’ve finally called her on it.

Sceptical123 · 22/05/2024 22:54

Gcsunnyside23 · 22/05/2024 21:20

I agree, I feel like she's setting it up that it's only a while with no spaces in childcare (because of her stupidity) and for you to respond that you'll help her out until sept. If op doesn't stay firm then she will have the kids on her days off too. God, how tragic would the summer have been with the cf friend asking favours from everyone

Show quote history

It would be interesting to check with the place to see if there actually are spaces available….

Whatinthedoopla · 22/05/2024 23:00

If you still want to be friends with her, you have to be a bit more tactile I think.

Don't let her know when you are going on annual leave. If you feel like telling her, say that you are going swimming with your own kids or something, or to the beach, something whereby it's difficult to be looking after children. Then just say that plans had to change last minute (to what it was originally going to be).

I would suggest that you ask the friend for some money for looking after her child after school, to help with the childminder fees too.

You could also suggest taking your DD somewhere after school, making it impossible for you to also collect her DD. Maybe to the grandparents house, your own friends house, a family dinner out. It will soon become so inconvenient for her, she won't ask you anymore.

Whatinthedoopla · 22/05/2024 23:00

looking after babies