To think my best friend is taking the piss

[Findingthisweekhard]

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

What a good outcome! She owed her mistake and you've held your boundaries!! Wish I had your strength, I'm such a pushover!

Brilliant update. Sounds like friend understands your position and will make changes going forward.

That's a nice update, take her up on that spa day! No more childcare for her. She'll have to sort it out. Who on earth cancels their child minder until they have funding for September?! It's 3.5 months! Was her plan just to use you for that entire time?!!

It is a good response from her but I do think she will ask you again, so be prepared to be firm.

Well done, OP!

I’m smiling reading that and your friend’s response. Ah, nice, reasonable people do exist! She sounds great, just scatty!

I must be really cynical because I read something quite different in that message! It was a bit manipulative.

It's all sorry you feel that way, I thought my friends would want to help me and I'm obviously not as good a mum as you type stuff.
Not really an apology imo

Well done op 🙌
Your message was perfect and her response was too.. Great outcome.

Your friend is taking you for granted, but you have let her.
She is being very cheeky, saving themselves money and dumping unpaid childcare on you. I imagine there must be times when having her daughter around might not be convenient for you, when you wanted just to attend to your own children, and as for getting you to look after her baby for a whole day, well that's a real burden to you, and I am surprised you agreed to do it considering it was your treasured annual leave/child free day, and I do think you should take responsibility for sabotaging your own day off, you could have said "no, I can't, got things to do" or whatever.

You need to insert some boundaries with your friend, stop agreeing to have her daughter every week, unless it's for an occasional 'play date' at your discretion (since your daughters are friends afterall), and DO NOT under any circumstances agree to look after her baby again as that is a full-on nanny task which prevents you from getting on with anything else you want to do.

How you convey this to your friend without causing a rift may be tricky, but I would suggest you ask her for a private/child-free chat in person one day, and then explain how you are unhappy with the current arrangement, as it interferes with your plans occasionally and restricts any impromptue family plans, and that you think she is using you as an unpaid childminder which makes you feel like a mug, especially as you pay exhorbitant (I presume?) fees for your own childcare - and that you cannot understand why did not persue the childcare you recommended before just to save herself some money - yes, childcare is expensive, but cost is worth it when you know your children are safe and you are not constantly imposing on other people to look after them instead. Hopefully your friend will value your friendship too much to get snotty with you, and should understand the pressure she has put you under but if not then at least you have made your point and she won't bother you again for childcare.

Oh wow. It's a happy ending! Yes, let her take you to spa. Happy days.

You could have read all the OP’s posts in significantly less time than it took you to type that.

This should be a pinned thread to show (on both sides) how to deal with a tricky situation from both sides.

And your point is? If you don't have time to read my comment then don't - it's as simple as that.

Well done for standing up for yourself and not letting the resentment grow.

Sounds like your friend is sorry and your friendship can now move forward on a firmer foundation, with boundaries firmly established.

That's not to say that you won't be around if she ever had a genuine unforeseen emergency - but you're not there to be taken advantage of.

Her point was that had you read the OPs posts you would have learned she already messaged the friend, the friend replied and it's been sorted.

Great outcome, well done OP and well done to the friend for listening and owning it.

It was a good response, and must be a huge relief that you can still be on good terms, and continue your friendship.

The until September comment shows you acted in time.

Just a note of caution tho. I think the trust would have to be rebuilt a bit more before taking her up on that spa day offer., Its generous but make sure it's not to put you under obligation, maybe keep it to more equal meet ups initially.

Don't waver on your boundaries. She's said she's got family to help so you are not the only person she can turn to. I'd also beware of the "it's an emergency" technique when you are asked at the last minute so it's harder to turn down. A genuine emergency is justifiable .. but if it is regularly repeating, it's not an emergency at all she just hasn't planned for it on the grounds that you are around.

Glad you resolved it OP. Enjoy your extra time with just your DC!

Same 😂 we can be cynical together. I hate the "sorry you feel that way" stuff. It's also shocking she assumed everyone would help without having the conversation.

Anyway, I'm pleased for OP it's been a non hostile response and there has been one. I'd proceed with caution however given there's a fair dose of "poor me" about her situation (she created) in her reply. Although she does at least acknowledge she's made some twatty and completely avoidable choices. She just clearly expected everyone else to bail her out.

I'd grab the spa day for sure, but keep a watch.

Now don't feel sorry for her and change your mind and cave in!

You clearly need to brush up on your communication skills, your original comment to me was rude/sharp and now you are being downright insulting - classy!

I'm another cynic, I don't think that response is great!

I mean, she's a cheeky fucker so she couldn't really say anything else but what sort of moron thinks they can just muddle along until SEPTEMBER with favours from friends and family without actually discussing it with them. And actually thinks this is an acceptable thing to do as an employee as well.

The "sorry you feel that way" and assumption that your day was ruined only because the baby was teething rather than you were her unpaid childminder would piss me off.

But if you really want to keep the friendship then I'd just accept her "apology" at face value and move on. Definitely take her up on the spa day, you've earned it!

Exactly that. It was harsh but you was put in that position. I'm really glad she responded the way she did. And she should absolutely take you to the spa!!! Lol I personally thought it wouldn't go down to well with her but this outcome has restored my faith that ppl can say sorry. Well done op. You did good.

Fantastic result, you've been open and honest with each other and it'll be a better friendship now.

I would feel very annoyed about this too. Has she ever offered to return the favour? I think that's generally how these arrangements work.

The problem here is before September there are six long weeks of summer holidays that she’s admitting she has no childcare for…