To think my best friend is taking the piss

[Findingthisweekhard]

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

Agree with this, her message did improve as it went on, started 'if you feel this way' and improved to 'this is on me let me make it up to you'
So, I think that's ok, and text isn't the best communication format, so the layers of her acceptance of her error and appreciation for op's patience will hopefully come out more when they actually talk.

Message her now and say hi just a heads up but I won't be doing anynore childcare so youl have to sort it out your own childcare.

I'm with the cynics on this thread - I think it is a matter of time until the OP is asked for more and more favours over the coming months (until September!!!). Stand strong OP - you have done way more than anyone could ever reasonably be expected to do, just say 'no' to any childcare requests until your 'friend' is using a childminder in September (then you can do some reciprocal stuff with her). My money is on her spinning the 'I'm such a rubbish mum' line to guilt you into helping.

Agree!

You have a lovely friend there, it’s also lovely that you were able to be honest with her, even though it was hard.
Go to the spa, and have a laugh about it over that wine!

I think that’s a good response. Realises she’s taken the piss and has been accountable. Still think you might get a call for help though 😁

That's really great you've sorted out like grown ups . Pleased for you

It’s not a bad response and it’s good she’s admitted she’s been a twat. But it’s a bit like she’s said ‘can I carry on being a twat until Sept?’

Why am I sitting here pleased as anything for 2 strangers! 🤣 You were great to stick up for yourself and she was great to hold her hands up and say yeah I’ve been cheeky. Well done OP!! Xxx

Great she’s taken the feedback on board but I think you may need to hold the line. You essentially took annual leave, paying childcare for your dc for some r&r , a mental health day really. She took that from you by giving you her teething one year old all day. You need to be clear in your reply that actually you aren’t working and mumming that well at all either, you had booked the day off simply to cope and you didnt get that so you’re still hanging by a thread. But not assuming your busy friends will carry you. So she doesn’t think you can just continue - she needs flex and paid support. (They need flex and paid support - baby has two parents)

Great response, but as PP’s have said, be careful about the September deadline. She’s giving you an opportunity to say that as it’s only a few months, you can help out until then. Just don’t mention it, say that you’re glad that you’ve cleared the air, etc.

Yes, that's definitely fishing for the op to back down and help out until September (and after that too in reality).

The 'until September' thing is bad enough but this bit:

I know y ruined your day with your sister the teething really didn’t help I suppose!!!

She knew she was ruining your day with your sister but did it anyway.

In your shoes, I’d be very busy until September and just stay in touch by text. No spa days yet as she might try to persuade you to continue helping out.

I’m not saying that she’s nasty, just that she’s got herself in a difficult situation-but she has to sort it out.

I underestimated her! Take her up on the spa but no more babysitting OP

Good outcome.

I suspect that the spa day is her way of creating obligation in your mind. She included you in her significant childcare plans without discussing it with you....this will be a standard behavior on her part where she expects people to just do things for her. If you go on the spa day, make sure you ask her for a favor soon afterwards, I bet you she's 'too busy to help'.

Really please that you got a response and she acknowledged the fact that she should have sorted her own childcare.

Similar to others, I also don't like the way she said "I'm sorry you feel that I've taken the piss" - I always feel this is a bit of a non-apology, and also didn't like the way she said "you sound really pissed off". Both of these things give the impression that she's blaming you for feeling frustrated. That said, she did acknowledge that she's "a twat" and that she ruined your day off.

I hope the next chat with her goes well. Remember that you are absolutely right to feel this way! I wonder if it's possible that she will try to sweet talk you into helping out 'until September', but that might just be my cynicism talking! As someone who hates conflict and would also have found it very difficult to challenge her behaviour, I think you've handled it amazingly, and I hope she does back off now and sort herself out.

I think that's a good response from your friend, and props to her for not getting defensive. I think your friendship will be fine. Good for both of you.

People are so cynical. She's been really honest, you both have and it's a sign of a genuine friendship. Hopefully you can both laugh about it in the future.

I think that's a good response. No need to pick it apart like other posters are saying. She's apologised however it was worded and wants to treat you to make up for it.

This was in the news today - a new style of child care, calling 'muddling', which will probably resonate with the CF we've been hearing about:

Muddling: How ad hoc childcare became the new normal for stressed parents like me (yahoo.com)

Sounds as if you two are going to be just fine. 😊 How lovely to see mature boundary setting and acceptance.

That's actually a surprisingly great response: she sees what she's been asking of you (and likely others) and how unfair she's been in doing so, and she's trying to own it.

I hope the friendship survives. x

As a few other cynical posters have said watch out for her dropping this on you again, over summer maybe?

You could though, if you fancy making a bit of extra money say over summer hols is say “yes I’ll do it but here are my rates” stick to those too. So then if she can’t or won’t sort childcare then she pays up. And the spa day should be on top of this!