To think my best friend is taking the piss

[Findingthisweekhard]

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

I agree Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain and was going to say just be careful she doesn’t think she can get away with it for a few more days, weeks, ‘oh just until….’. Hopefully the friendship will now continue on an equal footing so that you can be there equally for each other as well as the fun times. Glad she owned up to her poor treatment of you Findingthisweekhard

Your message was honest. Her reply was not bad. She stopped short of saying sorry... but in the circumstances, this is a pretty good place to be.

Why do people (have had this a few times in my life) stop short of apologising?

This. I thought it was a nice message back and a good outcome. Some people are probably disappointed there wasn't a row

I think its a bit one sided tbh

Same here!

I just rolled my eyes at most of it!

"I've been mumming badly" 🙄

Hoping to do this until September???? Wut?

this is completely unreasonable.
i have heard of others with similar issues who had to plainly lay out the rules. you need to TELL THEM NO!!!!
You are being taken advantage of, either start charging or don't pick them up 😂😂

Another cynic here. She is keen to clear the air and treat you to a spa. All very nice and lovely, but in reality I suspect that the "sharing a laugh over champagne" will turn into another request for you to help out until she gets a space with a childminder ... Which may never come!
If I were you, I would definitely distance myself and as others suggested make myself busy etc. You can still have the spa (you've earned it x100) but steer clear from agreeing to any more babysitting. Tell her you need a break and unable to help anymore, if she tries to guilt trip you (e.g. by saying she'll lose her job) just repeat the same - you aren't able as you're barely coping yourself amd your mental health is suffering. Tell her to ask other friends 😄

Great outcome. Well done

I would say that you'd be delighted for her to take you to a Spa in autumn once her arrangements are all running smoothly. Otherwise I think this will be used as a typical 'create an obligation' technique to get you to continue to help out over summer (and potentially longer when she doesn't get her shit sorted for September).

The cynic in me feels the slightly effusive 'oh what an idiot I am' is playing up and leading to 'oh but can you just help me get through the summer holidays' ...

Hmm. I think there's a minor guilt trip at the start but the rest of it is not too bad.

I'd say thanks but save your money re spa! Take her up on a wine next time you go out though. Also say no the next time she asks (out of principle) and hold firm, then you'll see how apologetic she really is.

Agreed. Another cynic. She’ll be able to afford spa as she probably has considerably more disposable income than OP, saving 100% on childcare and having 2 incomes into the household. Fact she admitted to planning on using family and friends til funding started in September..! She’s not going to kick off at OP as she doesn’t have a leg to stand on and is probably hoping for a few more sympathy freebies now she’s called herself a twat etc

Well done to you for standing your ground @Findingthisweekhard and fair play to your friend for accepting what she did and taking it on the chin.

That's not really an apology, is it!

Just a sorry you feel like that... trying to laugh about it and brush it under the carpet.

I think she plans to try to guilt trip you into continuing to help her, possibly by spending a bit of money on you/promising treats.

Well done op, your honesty wasn’t easy but it was compassionate and protected your boundaries and it seems your friendship.

Your friend’s response was human. Not perfect but she took on board what you said and was honest about messing up (not an easy thing to do).

She has made a suggestion to make it up to you. The cynics think it is a ploy, but regardless a ploy only works if you play along. Enjoy your spa day, and keep your boundaries and friendship intact.

Hmmm it very much sounds like she's trying to pass it off as an oversight while casually saying she needed support until September - trying to guilt trip you into offering over the summer because she's been silly.

Well done on standing firm, accept the apology and wine while keeping your distance until meaningful childcare is sorted

She has casually mentioned she needed help until September and the cynic in me thinks she might try it again. You've just got to continue being firm. You went part time for the benefit of your family and not anyone else's. I don't think she is as good a friend as what you think but then we each have our own standards.

That’s a good reply actually-she’s taken it well!

What is she planning to do from September? Does she have a nursery lined up already that will give her funding?

So many people are assuming that they’ll magically get 15/30 hours free childcare for all their under 5s soon-they are going to be sorely disappointed! There’s not enough nurseries, not enough money, not enough childcare workers, huge gaps between the funding provided and what nurseries are charging, and we’ll probably have a completely different government in September anyway!

I’m very surprised at PPs’ posts. That “apology” is nothing of the sort. She is extremely annoyed, doesn’t think she’s does anything wrong other than getting your willingness to help wrong, has stopped just short of accusing you of not being there for her, stopped just short of saying why didn’t you tell me sooner - read her reply and it’s all me me me. Her only positive thing to you was “I do really appreciate your help”. Everything else was about her.

This is a woman who thinks other people should give her stuff (time, favors, money etc) because she doesn’t have enough of her own. I wouldn’t be surprised if the spa day gets downgraded to drinks at her place because she can’t find childcare and you’ve got more free time than her; she’s going to have lots of “emergencies” and blame it on lack of available childcare; she’s going to complain about the cost of everything and her stress levels etc. The teething comment was just unbelievable and tells you what you need to know. Honestly, someone who can assume that friends and family would help her out with childcare for months on end when she knows they are paying for theirs, is a complete chancer. That’s all there is to it.

Put it this way: would you have ever made such an assumption of her?

I'm so glad you came hear and got the push to speak up, OP. Your friend's response is so apologetic and measured - a rare thing indeed on Mumsnet!

I hope you do go for that spa day and have a lovely time together.x.

Ah she's really sensible. Well done OP and your BFF

It's really good you put a stop to this now considering she was planning to use you until September!
Enjoy your spa day.

This is how I read your CF's message OP (whilst all the time having a vision of Anne in Motherland running around for Amanda):

you sound really pissed off. - making you sound a bit unreasonable

I just thought we could make do until September = I thought I'd get away with using you until September, does the 'we' mean you and her as this great friendship team (where you do all the helping out)

(to get the funding for y) = link it to something that may or may not actually work out but deflect the ownership of taking the piss from your 'friend' onto the need to wait for fuding (note everyone else has to do the same so it's irrelevant)

with some help from friends and family = surely you are a friend so you'd offer (and continue to offer 'some' help?

but that was so stupid, im doing work and mumming badly. - Interesting use of I (rather than 'we' now), gives you a prompt to say you're not stupid/mumming badly and be a helpful friend by supporting her in her time of feeling so stupid and having a 'mumming badly' crisis because surely as a friend that's what you'd do?

You’ve obviously done way more than you were comfortable with = pretending that you had offered to do something but have now done more than you intended and making you sound a bit unreasonable because it's just more than 'you' were 'comfortable' with rather than her taking the piss

so sorry you feel like - non apology, puts it on you rather than her

I’ve taken the piss. - harsh description of herself so that a good friend likes you feels guilted into saying 'oh no you haven't taken the piss' (and then gets asked to do a 'few' more favours)

I do really appreciate your help. - I'd bloody hope so!!! No points for this statement that was easy to make and also 'gives' you appreciation so that you may feel obligation in return

I know y ruined your day with your sister the teething really didn’t help I suppose!!! - she didn't ruin your day it was y who did that and let's make it a bit jokey with all those exclamation marks!!!

It’s so hard juggling it all and now the childminder said she’s full. - poor me! Any friend is surely going to want to help a friend who is sharing how hard all this is (on top of feeling so stupid and mumming badly)

I’m a twat. I should have taken the space. Now it’s even more of a mess!!!! - more guilt layered on - surely as a friend you're going to need to offer words of comfort to your friend in need and then she'll ask for some help and because you offered words of comfort you will need to follow the logic and help (it's a classic sales/manipulation technique to get people tied into their logic so they end up doing stuff they don't want to do)

I’m going to try and sort childcare and flexible working asap. - really? when? No mention of what she's going to do for childcare in the meanwhile I suspect she's going to need to 'make do with some help from friends and family' because surely any friend would help out whilst she's 'trying' and feeling like a twat/it's so hard/feeling so stupid etc etc

Can I take you to spa? - so that I can create an obligation on you to be a good friend and help whilst I'm 'trying' to sort childcare out. Even offering creates a sense of obligation (again a classic manipulation/sales technique). And a spa really suggests that you're good friends so such a good friend would surely continue to help out a friend who is feeling so awful?

We can have a wine and laugh about how naive I was - feeling 'naive' any good friend is going to have to help her out with how bad she's feeling....

No way would I pay childcare for twins and take neither person’s child on that day to save them money!! With only 5 weeks annual leave - it would need to be an A&E emergency to give up one of those days,

definitely I would from tomorrow not do any childcare. If she wishes to use you, then she can pay the going rate!!