AIBU for thinking MIL has priorities wrong with her grandson ?

[blueyavocado]

I'm not keen on MIL baby sitting our 12 wk old son , but it's awkward as it's my partners mum and he wants her to play a role.

Me and MIL clearly have different parenting approaches , I respond to my baby sons cries or signals immediately and stop what I'm doing to attend to his needs. Whereas she said she would leave her boys to cry until she had finished what she had done.

Last week I had an appointment and she offered to watch baby for 30 mins. Before I left I encouraged her to sit on the sofa with snacks and have a good cuddle. When I got back 30 mins later he was in the Moses basket on the floor with a blanket dumped over him and she had been painting the back door!

This morning I had a pram to assemble so she offer to watch him fir 15 mins. He was in a playful mood and happily batting his toys on the mat as I made the pram. She cuddled him for 5 mins then took him upstairs to try and get him to nap. I went upstairs and found him in the bedside crib in a playful mood with a blanket chucked on him. She had gone to clean up what was already a clean kitchen. I explained that if he needs a nap to tuck his blankets.

AIBU to think she has her priorities wrong? Obviously things need cleaning but there's a time and a place and those precious baby cuddles won't be forever.

His grandad is completely different , he will happily sing to him and cuddle him

@shenandoahvalley where have I been denigrating others? Someone asked for some stats and I gave them.

I feel the same and said people shouldn't be made to feel bad for following guidelines. Of course they also shouldn't be made to feel bad for not.

I admit, I took umbrage to the 'my kids all slept by themselves and were fine' posts because that's not what anyone is saying. Not one person has said your baby WILL die if they nap alone so I find those responses really frustrating.

Thank you @shenandoahvalley for bringing the stats. I agree that this guidance for carers to stay with their baby even during naps may do as much harm as good, because of the effects on the mental health of the carer.

For many, naptime may be the only break they get all day. I would have lost my mind if I couldn't have had some time to myself during nap times.

I think everyone parents differently and that’s fine. However, I think if you are looking after someone else’s child, then you should follow what they ask you to do. @blueyavocado if MIL can’t do this then she doesn’t look after baby.

I managed not to leave my 12 week old alone whilst looking after my toddler.

The baby just comes with you around the house and you learn quickly how to rock a baby whilst playing games with/comforting/getting a snack for your older child.

I don't think this is a new concept, is it? My mum talks about taking me room to room with her whilst she cleaned back in the 90's.

Unkind much?

The periods of time that the OP has mentioned are both so short, I don't see why the MIL couldn't just stay with the baby. Especially in that second scenario where he was wide awake.

I'd be a bit concerned with leaving him when he's older and weaning etc. it sounds like she'll do things her way instead of what you ask.

Not suited to everyone, or actually to most, few baby wear.

Do you recommend getting food out of an oven or straining boiling water while wearing?

Newborns actually learn to regulate their breathing and body temperature by sleeping on/near their mother, they have evolved to need this. Look at other primates, they don’t just stick them in a tree and leave them alone. Why would someone have a mental breakdown from spending too much time with their baby? It’s what most mums are programmed to want to do. The difficulty is in expecting women to carry on getting all the ‘stuff’ done when they should be able to just focus on caring for their baby.

And rocking baby in one arm while hauling a screaming kicking toddler who you are trying to get dressed in the other? I'm impressed.33 years of dealing with kids and I couldn't do that

Result for MIL then isn't it

Must be the circles I’m in, all my friends with similar aged children, mums at baby groups I go to have babies in slings/carriers.

And no I pop baby in a chair on the kitchen table to do the hot things but these are for a few seconds at a time. I also try to time feeds/naps etc so she’s in as good a mood as possible whilst I make dinner.

Idiotic comment.

“the baby fits in with you” is why countless mothers feel like they are failing when their baby acts like, you know, a BABY! Trying to take a screaming baby to a cafe or expecting a baby to just sleep through etc.

babies don’t just fit in, no. If you’re not willing to adjust for your baby, and be flexible, 9/10 life will be a struggle. Everyone in my NCT group struggled massively with this.

also btw this is the sort of trope my father used to use when he dragged us round pub after pub on his custody weekends and we were bored shitless but we had to “fit in” with his life 🤣

I think the issue is here that you don't want her babysitting so you are trying to find fault to prove your point.
Neither of the examples you have given imply your DC was distressed, just because you have chosen your priorities with your DC doesn't mean your MIL's must be the same.
She's obviously been able to bring up a child that you actually trust to have a child with so her parenting decisions can't have been that bad

That was the plan but she picked him up and took him upstairs

Maybe don’t leave the baby with her any more. He’s only 12 weeks old. Should be with his mum.

For the first 6 months yes.

She's not precious for

1. Not wanting loose blankets on her baby it's not safe

1. Expecting someone who said they'd say hi him for 15 mins to , you know, actually watch him.

Op
I agree her priorities are one - just don't leave baby in her care alone. She can still visit.

I just sat holding my baby and only did chores when he was asleep!
Or I took him out in pram or to buggy fit but still interacted with him and let him be able to see me

I wouldn't leave a baby on the floor if I thought our dogs would wander in, they're lickers, which I'm not keen on.

You've asked politely for her to do things a certain way and been ignored. That would annoy me. I'm a grandparent and do as asked which varies depending whose home I am in.

Why are so many people taking this to a ridiculous degree? Why would a mom have a nervous breakdown simply be spending MOST of the time in the room with their baby while they sleep? Many, many things contribute to a ‘nervous breakdown’
I used to take DS out for a walk in his pram every day to get him to sleep, then get home and wheel him in through the garden, park him up outside the kitchen window so I could see him and pop in, make my toast and coffee and sit down outside with him while he slept. Those were some of my fave memories just chilling with him.

When he went through a phase of not napping anywhere but on me, I would ‘gasp’ BF him to sleep and let him lie on me while I read or watched TV and had snacks and drinks by my side. Again, I used to really enjoy this time. I got things done around the house with him in a sling - easy. No nervous breakdown here.

Yes because that’s what she said 🙄

Absolutely this!
Its like - have a baby and then treat the baby like an inconvenience!

I’m not a first time mum and disagree with everything you’ve said.

Of course it does.