AIBU for thinking MIL has priorities wrong with her grandson ?

[blueyavocado]

I'm not keen on MIL baby sitting our 12 wk old son , but it's awkward as it's my partners mum and he wants her to play a role.

Me and MIL clearly have different parenting approaches , I respond to my baby sons cries or signals immediately and stop what I'm doing to attend to his needs. Whereas she said she would leave her boys to cry until she had finished what she had done.

Last week I had an appointment and she offered to watch baby for 30 mins. Before I left I encouraged her to sit on the sofa with snacks and have a good cuddle. When I got back 30 mins later he was in the Moses basket on the floor with a blanket dumped over him and she had been painting the back door!

This morning I had a pram to assemble so she offer to watch him fir 15 mins. He was in a playful mood and happily batting his toys on the mat as I made the pram. She cuddled him for 5 mins then took him upstairs to try and get him to nap. I went upstairs and found him in the bedside crib in a playful mood with a blanket chucked on him. She had gone to clean up what was already a clean kitchen. I explained that if he needs a nap to tuck his blankets.

AIBU to think she has her priorities wrong? Obviously things need cleaning but there's a time and a place and those precious baby cuddles won't be forever.

His grandad is completely different , he will happily sing to him and cuddle him

It's not you should, at all!

By exactly how much?

Someone has posted the stats further up the thread

@bananaramaterry SIDS death rates were 130.3 deaths per 100000 in 1990 before SIDS guidelines came out and in 2000 it was 30.8 deaths per 100000. Obviously factors like smoking inside etc have contributed but that's the reduction since the guidelines came out.

By at least 60% from some stats posted earlier. That might not be enough for you. But if I was a grandparent asked to look after my grandchild and the parent had told me the latest guidance I would follow it as much as possible. I certainly wouldn’t be painting a door in another room, whilst baby was on their own with a loose blanket over them

Yep. Today’s parenting of small babies must be exhausting. Babies need to hear the noises that go on in the house and learn to settle on their own

Makes me scared to be a grandparent! It's a minefield.

@Pettyman but the baby will hear noises, you don’t have to sit quietly in the room whilst doing nothing

If people don't want to follow guidelines that 100% fine but I find the ridiculing and belittling of people who choose to follow them really insulting.

I’m saying I didn’t sit in the room. None of us with small babies did 🤷‍♀️

So you don't actually know? What the actual not leaving them alone rate is?

When you do, argue the point?

Smoking
Not too hot
Sleep bags
No duvets
No cot bumpers

All contributed.

My MIL didn’t believe DC had a milk allergy when he was six months, as that didn’t exist in her day. Meant she couldn’t have DC alone.

She also tried to suggest the rusk in the bottle with a bigger hole made in the teat, from when DC was about six weeks. DH asked her how that works when I was breastfeeding

@bananaramaterry so would you ignore all the things they suggest?

By all means, leave your own baby alone in a room with a loose blanket then.

But stop being horrid to people who are following guidelines that are set out to keep children safe.

Everyone is just trying to look after their babies the best they can. Don't ridicule people for trying to be safe.

@bananaramaterry that's completely fair enough but it's all part of the picture.

The current guidance says to stay in the room when the baby sleeps. The OP has the right to follow that guidance and to ask people who care for their baby to follow the guidelines too.

You have the choice not to follow and the OP shouldn't be made to feel anxious or paranoid for making her choice.

Are you my SIL??

I agree it's guidance!

So why are some dramatic mothers saying should and you can't??

That's my exact point.

Nope, just the unreasonable ones!

Sorry, this is unrealistic.

I believe you should be laying the baby to sleep on its back (this lowers the risk of SIDS) .. but to think for every nap you need to be in the room .. I'm not convinced.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos but OP was cross because the blanket was chucked and thrown on the baby and she wants it tucked in?

Is that guidance?

Should the baby have a blanket at all?

Is the blanket safer being loose or tucked in?

What's the guidance?

Quoting you but replying also to others who comment in a similar vein: the opprobrium and frankly even sanctimony from those who are beating the “but it saves so many lives” drum: your fervour is out of all proportion with fact. There is a difference between causation and correlation. Correlation is all we have for now. And that’s fine, but that’s all it is. There’s no certainty around this. It’s simply not possible to say “if I do this, then that will happen”.

Furthermore (and sadly anyone who’s had to deal with statistics in the medical field will know this): I’m out and on my phone so can’t pull up the exact stats but the percentage decrease on which you seem to hang your hat is akin to 0.03% likely to occur to your baby than 0.02%. When you count actual humans the percentage is different - lies, damned lies and statistics.

Each baby matters, of course it does. But it’s important to weigh this up against the impact of being physically present with the same demanding human being 24/7 for 6 months, when you’re at what could be your lowest. There’s no need for denigrating those who don’t follow “guidelines”, to shout you’re doing the safest thing and that by implication those who don’t, aren’t. I’m saying nobody actually knows for sure that you are, and if you are there are many much more probable factors in life that can invalidate that choice when considering what’s best for the baby.

I had my baby just over two years ago. The guidance was "tucked in" as in swaddled and not loose. I took OPs comment to mean that, but I can see how if you've not been a new mum recently it might sound wrong.

The way you are responding to people though is as if you're suggesting anyone who follows any current guidance is dramatic and stupid. Do you have children? Do you remember how much you worry about whether you're doing things right in those early months? Do you know how many people tell you that you should be doing one thing or that you can't do another. Or that this is a risk, that's a risk, this will hurt your baby, that might kill them if they do xyz.

Try being nice and helpful instead of angry and mean.

You don’t think it’s more safe for a child to have a mum who hasn’t had a nervous breakdown from a sheer lack of a break? When my child was asleep I had a shower, dried my hair, made a cuppa, loaded the dishwasher. All without them in the room cause any of the above would have woken them. And guess what being clean with a tidy house made me - and so many other mums - feel so much better! Happier! More prepared for the day ahead!

After all if you are full on cuddling when they are awake, when do you get the slightest thing done?

The reduction in SIDS is excellent but we really need to see these stats broken down for them to be at all meaningful. How many babies lives have been saved by no overheating / back to sleep / no smoking etc? I’d imagine loads. But how many were saved by someone being in the same room as a baby? I can’t imagine any!

You pop them in a sling. Am doing exactly that with my baby and toddler ☺️

I think you parent how suits you, and don't be nasty and judgemental to other new parents who are trying their best.

We have a small house, all on one level. So when she slept I also did other things, I hopped in the shower, checked on her. Ran the vacuum round, checked on her. Folded the washing, washed up, cooked dinner etc. but checked on her regularly.

Other new mums don't feel as comfortable doing that until baby is bigger and they're confident they'll be ok. And that is ok too, if that's what works for them. They can still do other things, but in that room.

Why do any of us have the right to judge their methods?