AIBU for thinking MIL has priorities wrong with her grandson ?

[blueyavocado]

I'm not keen on MIL baby sitting our 12 wk old son , but it's awkward as it's my partners mum and he wants her to play a role.

Me and MIL clearly have different parenting approaches , I respond to my baby sons cries or signals immediately and stop what I'm doing to attend to his needs. Whereas she said she would leave her boys to cry until she had finished what she had done.

Last week I had an appointment and she offered to watch baby for 30 mins. Before I left I encouraged her to sit on the sofa with snacks and have a good cuddle. When I got back 30 mins later he was in the Moses basket on the floor with a blanket dumped over him and she had been painting the back door!

This morning I had a pram to assemble so she offer to watch him fir 15 mins. He was in a playful mood and happily batting his toys on the mat as I made the pram. She cuddled him for 5 mins then took him upstairs to try and get him to nap. I went upstairs and found him in the bedside crib in a playful mood with a blanket chucked on him. She had gone to clean up what was already a clean kitchen. I explained that if he needs a nap to tuck his blankets.

AIBU to think she has her priorities wrong? Obviously things need cleaning but there's a time and a place and those precious baby cuddles won't be forever.

His grandad is completely different , he will happily sing to him and cuddle him

@shenandoahvalley yes. It's the guidance for SIDS. And if I was a grandparent I would want to be doing it correctly. For the poster who said granny will have more experience and would know best, they probably didn't have this guidance when bringing up their children, in the same way my parents thought putting baby to sleep on their front was the correct way. Guidance changes

It's hard to know. She might have more control over things not responding to baby's every cry or she might have less.. if shes well and has her own life together and If the baby seems happy and well with her, then I'd take the time for a break!! But if you think she's being lazy or neglectful, then id ask someone else to mind the baby. Trust your instinct!

Some people aren’t into cuddling babies or the baby stage. One of my best friends is brilliant with my girls age 5 and 2, they adore her and she’s alot of fun, but she never took that much interest in them as babies, she would hold them for a few seconds before passing them off.

I wouldn’t ask your MIL to watch him anymore until he’s bigger, and the blanket issue is a concern!

What happens if your baby is in a different room to your tumble dryer though? Which do you watch? Honestly, it’s perfectly fine to leave a content baby to watch the world around him. What happens if he wakes up when you are asleep? Do you sit there watching them until they go back to sleep just to be on the safe side?

MIL isn't doing anything wrong, she's just doing it the way she used to with her kids. I'm almost certain she isn't actually just "chucking" a blanket over him either.

Babies don't need constant 24/7 cuddles. Parents with more than one child would have a meltdown if that was the case. Your MIL is helping you out. Either thank her nicely or find someone else to do it.

It would be interesting to watch a baby room in a nursery if every baby needs to be all the time.

What happens if your baby is in a different room to your tumble dryer though? Which do you watch? Honestly, it’s perfectly fine to leave a content baby to watch the world around him. What happens if he wakes up when you are asleep? Do you sit there watching them until they go back to sleep just to be on the safe side?

It’s not fine. It’s safer for the baby to be in the same room as an adult. It’s literally following safe sleep guidelines but it does allow for the parent(s) to leave the room to go to the toilet/do small tasks like the aforementioned tumble dryer because the guidelines have to be realistic but they should be in the same room for babies under 6 months for the majority of the time.

Babies should always be in the same room as you for the first six months for sleep, day and night*. This doesn’t mean you can’t leave the room to make a cup of tea or go to the toilet, but for most of the time when they are sleeping they are safest if you are close by.
There are no devices on the market that will substitute a parent or carer being in the same room as baby for safer sleep. *

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/safer-sleep-basics/room-sharing/#:~:text=To%20reduce%20the%20risk%20of,for%20sleep%2C%20day%20and%20night.

It would be interesting to watch a baby room in a nursery if every baby needs to be all the time.

I’ve worked in nurseries. A member of staff was always present in the baby room. We never left them alone.

Exactly. What’s wrong with leaving him and getting on with what you need to do? I always did. No one needs to be in the room standing guard

@Pettyman you should when they are asleep, it's so they can regulate their breathing (babies have a design fault for when they sleep they can forget to breathe). So monitors aren't any use in this regard

Most of us survived being put in a pram at the bottom of the garden for hours 😂 So there's room for different approaches. I'm not sure that any baby needs to be cuddled constantly, tbh

@crumblingschools I never did. They are 35 and 27 now. You need the time when they’re napping to get on with jobs

It sounds to me like she's used to having little ones around and you're not. She's not done a thing wrong.

If you are genuinely interested in learning and that is a sincere question, there is a wealth of information online about safer sleeping recommendations and the studies behind them. Including information on why babies are safer sleeping in a room with their sleeping parents as opposed to sleeping in a room alone. Sleeping adults sharing the same space are still a protective factor.

A lot of kids survived riding in vehicles without seatbelts. That doesn’t mean that it was advisable or that it didn’t increase the danger. Guidelines have changed and should be followed and again they still allow for some small tasks to be done.

The baby isn't upset in any of the examples given?

Then you don't get favours done for you. Simple

@BeaRF75 the number of babies dying from SIDs has reduced over the years, that is down to new knowledge and guidance. I survived being put on my front to sleep as a baby, I survived being in a car without seatbelts/car seat. Funnily enough, I put my baby on his back when in his cot and used a car seat/seatbelt

I haven't I just assumed that she would know that , I feel confident leaving the room for a few mins to go to the toilet etc but I bring him around wherever I am , as the dog could run in the room and I can't hear or check him from downstairs

Toddlers are different to new babies

It's her house but when I'm getting on with household chores I let him do what he wants to do like play on his mat in eyesight whilst I do the dishes etc

Replying to the posts re an adult being in the same room as the baby while they nap: this sort of pressure is many-fold times worse than the pressure to breastfeed imo. A baby succumbing to SIDS is obviously devastating in a life-changing way. But it's so, so important for parents to educate themselves on statistics, data and actual risk levels before turning infancy into something else that can be life-changing in a negative way (and of course the price will be paid mostly by mothers rather than fathers).

Of course these baby-centered charities prioritise the child's wellbeing. But I think it's extremely irresponsible of them putting out information the way they do. It's sensationalism, for engagement, just like so many other things in life BUT WORSE because they prey on vulnerable new parents who are hormonally, emotionally programmed to self-sacrifice in the early weeks and months and also exhausted.

SIDS rates around the world vary. I would be amazed to see reputable data showing that in societies where a committed adult spends every single nap time and overnight in the same room as their baby for 6 months, SIDS rates are lower. Frankly, I would be amazed to see reputable data showing significant numbers of parents spending every single naptime and overnight in the same rooom as their baby for 6 months - period.

@blueyavocado the guidance for being in the same room when napping is reasonably recent. She might know about being in the same room at night but when that guidance first came in, it wasn't mentioned that you should be in the same room when baby is napping

Yeh! Nonsense

Having a role and being left in sole charge are not the same thing. Just be around when she is and problem goes away.

I do think there can be a generational divide - my Mum was an attentive mother by her days standard but she was happy to leave us to scream in cots - my MIL used to leave DH alone in hotel rooms as a baby and down bottom of the garden to point others in area complained and commented.

I had a velcro baby never settled unless in my arms - ND - would out cry being left and as I was bf I found the screaming painful - so I carried and manged to do that with subsequent babies with toddlers.

My MIL didn't seem to see them as people or individual till they talked - so she often ran off with babies despite them being hungry and needing changing to show them off to others - she was not at all attuned to them and their needs. So in that respect your MIL left a happy baby alone so is ahead. My MIL got better as they got older and had better vocabulary and in mean time I was always there.