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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for thinking MIL has priorities wrong with her grandson ?

235 replies

blueyavocado · 21/05/2024 14:17

I'm not keen on MIL baby sitting our 12 wk old son , but it's awkward as it's my partners mum and he wants her to play a role.

Me and MIL clearly have different parenting approaches , I respond to my baby sons cries or signals immediately and stop what I'm doing to attend to his needs. Whereas she said she would leave her boys to cry until she had finished what she had done.

Last week I had an appointment and she offered to watch baby for 30 mins. Before I left I encouraged her to sit on the sofa with snacks and have a good cuddle. When I got back 30 mins later he was in the Moses basket on the floor with a blanket dumped over him and she had been painting the back door!

This morning I had a pram to assemble so she offer to watch him fir 15 mins. He was in a playful mood and happily batting his toys on the mat as I made the pram. She cuddled him for 5 mins then took him upstairs to try and get him to nap. I went upstairs and found him in the bedside crib in a playful mood with a blanket chucked on him. She had gone to clean up what was already a clean kitchen. I explained that if he needs a nap to tuck his blankets.

AIBU to think she has her priorities wrong? Obviously things need cleaning but there's a time and a place and those precious baby cuddles won't be forever.

His grandad is completely different , he will happily sing to him and cuddle him

OP posts:
jannier · 21/05/2024 17:25

crumblingschools · 21/05/2024 15:39

Why would you watch your tumble dryer?

Risk of fire means you shouldn't leave them running when your not in and out of room at least ...so going out/to bed/ having it in a utility room or outhouse is a significant fire risk.

Maray1967 · 21/05/2024 17:31

crumblingschools · 21/05/2024 15:36

@blueyavocado the guidance for being in the same room when napping is reasonably recent. She might know about being in the same room at night but when that guidance first came in, it wasn't mentioned that you should be in the same room when baby is napping

Mine were born in 2000 and 2008 and we were certainly not told we were supposed to be in the same room when they were napping. How on earth are you supposed to get anything done? No wonder new parents are stressed beyond belief.

Topseyt123 · 21/05/2024 17:31

crumblingschools · 21/05/2024 14:19

Have you explained you are meant to be in the same room if they are napping?

Bollocks! Why?

I often wasn't in the same room when my three were napping. They survived. All are in their twenties now.

I was never very far away, but I'd sure as hell go off and do something I wanted, or make a cuppa and just sit in peace with no baby in the room.

crumblingschools · 21/05/2024 17:38

@Topseyt123 I survived not having a seatbelt in a car when I was a DC. Should I have not used a seatbelt with my DC?

I survived sleeping on my front as a baby, should I not have put my baby on his back when putting him to sleep.

When you think about it the logic for being in the same room as the baby at night when they are sleeping should apply for when they are sleeping during the day

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2024 17:39

@blueyavocado

did you expect your mother in law to sit on the sofa for the full hour cuddling him whilst you had your appointment? That would be really boring and unreasonable for you to ask of her.

Topseyt123 · 21/05/2024 17:49

crumblingschools · 21/05/2024 17:38

@Topseyt123 I survived not having a seatbelt in a car when I was a DC. Should I have not used a seatbelt with my DC?

I survived sleeping on my front as a baby, should I not have put my baby on his back when putting him to sleep.

When you think about it the logic for being in the same room as the baby at night when they are sleeping should apply for when they are sleeping during the day

I had seatbelts in the car when I was a child and I was born in 1966. We weren't allowed to travel without them. They were available to fit and my Dad fitted them (adjustable child harnesses in the back seat as that was what was available).

If course you put baby to sleep on their back, that comment is utterly irrelevant. I always put mine down on their backs, and my mother always put us down on our backs too. That was the sixties and seventies then, and advice has changed since, but not everyone put babies down on their tummies. Some people thought that as very young babies couldn't roll it was a suffocation risk.

Absolutely no need to be 100% in the same room when they are napping in the daytime, it's a good opportunity to do something for yourself and you can still keep an eye and ear on baby if in another room. I could hear mine breathing and snuffling in the living room when I was in the kitchen.

At night they only shared our room for the first couple of months whatever the advice was because otherwise none of us got any sleep. They slept through from about then too, and the baby monitor was always on.

FranticHare · 21/05/2024 17:50

shenandoahvalley · 21/05/2024 16:06

I said nothing about "taking advantage" of parents.

The Lullaby Trust's website has a blanket statement in their Co-Sleeping page which says:

"Babies should always be in the same room as you for at least the first six months for sleep, day and night. This doesn’t mean you can’t leave the room to make a cup of tea or go to the toilet, but for most of the time when they are sleeping they are safest if you are close by."

Taken in the round, by which I mean taking into account factors such as (1) multi-child families (2) occurrence and recidivism rates for PND and equivalent (3) availability of paid maternity leave (4) unequal split of parenting duties in the first 6 months of a baby's life (5) diverse family set-ups and make-ups (6) childcare availability, type and quality, and whatever other social and economic pressures new mothers may feel in 21st century Britain, this simply isn't possible for many many babies. So, are the parents (let's face it, mothers) of those unfortunate babies delinquent if they can't provide this? Have they caused the death by SIDS of their babies?

The ONS says that in 2021, "166 unexplained deaths of infants (aged under one year) [ocurred] in England and Wales in 2021, accounting for 7.1% of all infant deaths". Obviously for the parents concerned that's 166 too many. Equally obviously, we don't know that all 166 were caused by factors that can be prevented by always being in the same room as a napping/sleeping baby.

Put this into the perspective of the nearly 700,000 babies that were born in the UK in 2021. That's 0.02%. The NHS says that between 10-20% of women are affected by PND. How can it be reasonable to suggest that while they're suffering exhaustion, hormonal upheaval, unending pressure that breast is best, financial worries in this day and age and the lack of availability of affordable and good quality childcare, whatever other pressures a post-partum woman might be experiencing in her life, it's also OK to make such a bald statement as the Lullaby Trust's above? Yes of course there should be education, yes of course information should be made available. But it needs to be conveyed unsensationally, in a measured fashion, and not in a way that vulnerable new mothers read as "if I'm not in the same room as my baby for naps and overnight's sleep, it might succumb to SIDS". That's simply not responsible (or, in fact, necessarily factually accurate).

Show quote history

Best most measured post on here.

Herewegoagain84 · 21/05/2024 18:05

SwanSong1 · 21/05/2024 14:27

First time mum are you? The baby fits in with you not the other way round. Think Grandma has a lot more experience bringing up children than you. Precious much?

😂 this made me LOL. Yes dear.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 21/05/2024 18:12

SwanSong1 · 21/05/2024 14:27

First time mum are you? The baby fits in with you not the other way round. Think Grandma has a lot more experience bringing up children than you. Precious much?

My MIL raised three children. She suggested that to "full up" my baby I crush risks in the milk and use a needle to widen the hole of the teat so the thicker mixture would come through. My baby was 2 months old when she suggested this.

I was a first time mum. I didn't have to be in my 70s with three grown up kids to know this wasn't something to listen to. Being a grandma doesn't automatically mean that you're better at it, or that your way is the right way.

CurlewKate · 21/05/2024 18:13

Was he upset?

Pettyman · 21/05/2024 18:14

The health visitor told me in 1988 to let him cry. Make sure he’s safe and go into another room. So I did. He’s now the loveliest, laid back person.

angstridden2 · 21/05/2024 18:17

Always MILs isn’t it?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 21/05/2024 18:21

FuckOffTom · 21/05/2024 17:09

That’s funny cause I cuddled DS all the time. Was a full-on co-sleeping (safely) sling-wearing mom and he is one of the most secure and un-clingy kids I know. Never once cried going to school, just gets on with things.

My point being that you can’t ‘make’ a child clingy by holding them too much. It’s probably largely just how they are. Although a lot of what I read when DS was a baby actually stated the opposite.

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Agree with this. I have a properly independent, confident, secure 2 year old. She was cuddled to bit. Still is. I think the fact she knows she can always have a cuddle (unless I'm doing something it would be dangerous to stop or hold her while I do it), is one of the reasons she's so secure. She knows she can have that reassurance whenever she needs it, so she's happy to go about her day.

BackOfTheMum5net · 21/05/2024 18:24

rwa818 · 21/05/2024 14:36

What?! That's not exactly practical is it! As long as you can hear them it's fine to not be in the same room!

I guess she's just had a different approach to parenting as you do. Neither of you are wrong but if your baby isn't distressed or put in danger then I don't think you should do anything unless you want to lose your free babysitter.
The blanket should be tucked in though I agree, and I wouldn't have been happy to leave mine with someone who would have left them to cry while they were doing something else, would she do this or is she ok with picking up if he starts to cry?

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It’s literally NHS guidance to be in the same room as the baby, even when they nap. I’d hardly call painting a door an urgent distraction.

Your baby, your rules, OP. It’s not untrue that granny is parenting in different ways, and that’s entirely her prerogative when it’s her child. It’s unhelpful that so many people are wading in with what they did 10, 15 years ago when advice and parenting styles have changed so much. We know more now about cot death and supporting babies emotional development, and we all do the best we can.

Princessyellow · 21/05/2024 18:37

Since the guidelines came in 30 years ago to put babies to sleep on their back and sleep in a room with another adult present ( who are awake or asleep), the rates of sudden death have dropped by around 60%- from 320 deaths a year to 130 (approx). Even if the numbers are relatively small that’s still a huge shift, definitely enough to try and follow the guidelines IMO. Of course that doesn’t mean those who can’t do that are to blame if their baby dies, that’s a crazy thing to suggest! But it’s undeniable what a difference the guidance has made.

Abeona · 21/05/2024 18:38

shenandoahvalley · 21/05/2024 15:35

Replying to the posts re an adult being in the same room as the baby while they nap: this sort of pressure is many-fold times worse than the pressure to breastfeed imo. A baby succumbing to SIDS is obviously devastating in a life-changing way. But it's so, so important for parents to educate themselves on statistics, data and actual risk levels before turning infancy into something else that can be life-changing in a negative way (and of course the price will be paid mostly by mothers rather than fathers).

Of course these baby-centered charities prioritise the child's wellbeing. But I think it's extremely irresponsible of them putting out information the way they do. It's sensationalism, for engagement, just like so many other things in life BUT WORSE because they prey on vulnerable new parents who are hormonally, emotionally programmed to self-sacrifice in the early weeks and months and also exhausted.

SIDS rates around the world vary. I would be amazed to see reputable data showing that in societies where a committed adult spends every single nap time and overnight in the same room as their baby for 6 months, SIDS rates are lower. Frankly, I would be amazed to see reputable data showing significant numbers of parents spending every single naptime and overnight in the same rooom as their baby for 6 months - period.

This in spades.

Newuser75 · 21/05/2024 18:45

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2024 17:39

@blueyavocado

did you expect your mother in law to sit on the sofa for the full hour cuddling him whilst you had your appointment? That would be really boring and unreasonable for you to ask of her.

I'd much rather sit and have a cuddle with a baby than paint a door 😂

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 21/05/2024 18:57

Newuser75 · 21/05/2024 18:45

I'd much rather sit and have a cuddle with a baby than paint a door 😂

Show quote history

This in spades. There's a time for jobs like that and it's not when you have a tiny baby to look after.

Popping washing in the machine, yes. Painting a door, maybe when the baby has gone home?

MotherofAllMatriarchs · 21/05/2024 19:11

You sound a lot like me with my first child. This would have bothered me too. I wouldn’t think twice about this behaviour now though and am much more relaxed/simply grateful to have a helping hand!

A big part of being a new parent is learning to be ok with different caregiving styles from family members. My mum is super hands on and responsive with mine while my MIL is less attentive (and that’s not a MIL dig - I actually get on better with my MIL than my mum) They’re both brilliant but clearly raised their own kids very differently. Plus my MIL had four kids so far less time to sit around cuddling!

I also had to explain to both sets of grandparents about blankets, not leaving the baby alone and ‘back to sleep’ when our first was born as the guidance was very different from when they’d raised kids. I’d definitely have a word with her about loose blankets and not leaving baby unattended but otherwise try not to sweat it too much - it’s all part of being a new parent!

Roundroundthegarden · 21/05/2024 19:14

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2024 14:42

A 12 week old shouldn't have blankets in their cot, first of all. Secondly, stop having her watch him.

Yes this. Why are you pleasing other people at the expense of your sons safety??

FuckOffTom · 21/05/2024 19:14

I hate all this “oh what nonsense, I left my baby alone to sleep all the time and they survived”
makes absolutely no fucking sense.
Nobody said that your baby WILL die if you aren’t in the room all the time when they nap. If that was the case we would all be glued to our babies’ sides 24/7… but being in the same room for most of the time (I.e. of course, pop to the loo, make a drink or whatever) reduces the risk.

Unforgettablefire · 21/05/2024 19:21

Pettyman · 21/05/2024 18:14

The health visitor told me in 1988 to let him cry. Make sure he’s safe and go into another room. So I did. He’s now the loveliest, laid back person.

1987 and we were told the same. Also to lie baby on their side wrapped sausage skin tight in a blanket with just their little head sticking out 😅

bananaramaterry · 21/05/2024 19:23

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2024 14:22

Stop leaving him with her. Why’s she sticking a blanket on a small baby?

Why’s she cleaning instead of spending time with him? Is she under the impression from you or her son that you need help around the house?

You don’t need to let anyone babysit him if you don’t want to. It’s not up to your DP.

She’s not that bothered by him, stressed about caring for him so finding other distractions, worried about you/your home and feels that’s a more pressing priority. Do you have an inkling?

Op wants the blanket tucked in? Much worse, at least MIL is only dumping or throwing the blanket, so it's loose.

bananaramaterry · 21/05/2024 19:27

HoldingTheDoor · 21/05/2024 15:16

What happens if your baby is in a different room to your tumble dryer though? Which do you watch? Honestly, it’s perfectly fine to leave a content baby to watch the world around him. What happens if he wakes up when you are asleep? Do you sit there watching them until they go back to sleep just to be on the safe side?

It’s not fine. It’s safer for the baby to be in the same room as an adult. It’s literally following safe sleep guidelines but it does allow for the parent(s) to leave the room to go to the toilet/do small tasks like the aforementioned tumble dryer because the guidelines have to be realistic but they should be in the same room for babies under 6 months for the majority of the time.

Babies should always be in the same room as you for the first six months for sleep, day and night*. This doesn’t mean you can’t leave the room to make a cup of tea or go to the toilet, but for most of the time when they are sleeping they are safest if you are close by.
There are no devices on the market that will substitute a parent or carer being in the same room as baby for safer sleep. *

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/safer-sleep-basics/room-sharing/#:~:text=To%20reduce%20the%20risk%20of,for%20sleep%2C%20day%20and%20night.

It's not law and it does not allow parents wee breaks! They can do what they like, no one is going to arrest them!

It's guidance!

crumblingschools · 21/05/2024 19:33

@bananaramaterry it is guidance, just like putting your baby ‘back’ to sleep and feet to foot. Which have helped reduce baby deaths

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