AIBU for thinking MIL has priorities wrong with her grandson ?

[blueyavocado]

I'm not keen on MIL baby sitting our 12 wk old son , but it's awkward as it's my partners mum and he wants her to play a role.

Me and MIL clearly have different parenting approaches , I respond to my baby sons cries or signals immediately and stop what I'm doing to attend to his needs. Whereas she said she would leave her boys to cry until she had finished what she had done.

Last week I had an appointment and she offered to watch baby for 30 mins. Before I left I encouraged her to sit on the sofa with snacks and have a good cuddle. When I got back 30 mins later he was in the Moses basket on the floor with a blanket dumped over him and she had been painting the back door!

This morning I had a pram to assemble so she offer to watch him fir 15 mins. He was in a playful mood and happily batting his toys on the mat as I made the pram. She cuddled him for 5 mins then took him upstairs to try and get him to nap. I went upstairs and found him in the bedside crib in a playful mood with a blanket chucked on him. She had gone to clean up what was already a clean kitchen. I explained that if he needs a nap to tuck his blankets.

AIBU to think she has her priorities wrong? Obviously things need cleaning but there's a time and a place and those precious baby cuddles won't be forever.

His grandad is completely different , he will happily sing to him and cuddle him

@shenandoahvalley

errr... where have you been? Under a rock? It's been the guidance for a long time now.

@Pettyman so is putting a baby to sleep on their back nonsense

Might be a random question but if you not meant to use blankets on a baby what the hell do you you cover them with to keep warm

Standing guard is nonsense

@yellowridinghood look up the guidance. It's nothing to do with 'watching them sleep'

Excuse me? Under a rock? Are you this rude and know-it-all to everyone, or just on an anonymous internet forum? Good grief.

Why would you watch your tumble dryer?

Grow bags - but you can use blankets but they are suppose to be done certain way.

@Pettyman

no, they can sit down.

but the baby should have someone in the room with them while they sleep. Read the guidelines above.

just because you were lucky with yours doesn't mean this isn't safer for babies. Don't be spouting unsafe stuff which could put other babies at risk.

Lol so if the baby falls asleep than rather than just put them down you risk waking them getting into a gro bag. What is you are out in the pram? Or in a car seat?

I remember my DS had them for night sleep but he was older. Stopped using them after he vaulted over cot sides wearing it a couple of times. Was more concerned about injury at that point.

Don't remember gro bags being around when DDs were small.

@shenandoahvalley you think the lullaby trust are taking advantage of parents? Or you actually know nothing about them?

I think the advice from them and similar have most likely saved countless infant lives, and am grateful for their work.

I also did stay near my firstborn when he was sleeping and it wasn't exactly a hardship.

I wouldn't leave him with her, she sounds completely uninterested.
If she was cold and uncaring with her own kids it'll presumably be even worse when it's not even her kid.

I think this thread shows why so many people are off work sick with anxiety.

I’m not spouting. I’m saying what has been done over countless generations. How can a household function with people on duty watching over babies. I’ve never heard of this in my life. Nap times were a chance to get on with housework etc. As a pp has said, we were left in prams in gardens. Prams had a cat net on to stop cats from sitting on us. I’m going back a few years here mind you

Baby should be at bottom of cot (feet to foot) and blankets (if used)should be tucked in, no higher than their shoulders

She means if you have a second baby and your current child is a toddler you are unlikely to be able to give the new baby this much dedicated attention.

My kids are adults now but I would of course always abide by new guidelines. However expecting your MIL to constantly be holding your baby while you are out is a bit batty. Surely the baby can sleep in a bassinet in the same room while she cleans? Maybe not painting a door because of fumes or whatever. Just have a word and explain the new guidelines and say the baby should always be in the same room.If she can't go along with that then don't leave the baby with her. But if the baby is asleep no reason she has to cuddle him. I'd be bored within 20 mins and want to be doing something but I'm not good at keeping still.

They mean when you have both toddlers and a baby. Obviously you can't sit around hold the baby all the time (and the toddler who is used to getting ALL the attention is really struggles compared to the one that is used to self entertaining).
She might find the baby a bit boring. My Mum couldn't really stand my kids until they were about 4 and much prefers them now they are teenagers. She never wanted to hold them for long. I personally love a baby to cuddle.

No, just to people who think safer sleeping guidance is nonsense

But the baby was perfectly happy? Why does she have to cuddle the baby if the baby is happy? I honestly am not understanding this.

Rubbish. It shows that there's still more work to do regarding safer sleeping guidelines because some people still don't get it!

Tbh I find babies quite boring even my own .It's nice she is helping out your baby is safe and it's not a bad thing to let a baby relax and stretch itself out .

I agree with you. To completely not put a baby down is wild.

My eldest is at Uni we used grow bags at night they were fairly standard amongst us mothers at the time and been around a while at that point.

I didn't wake child up to put one - never said anything about doing so - though child dependent it's not impossible to get one on without waking - and as I said it perfectly possible to use blankets appropriately.

I've no idea about car seat as we don't drive - but pushchair they'd often be covered appropriately anyway - or you'd tuck a blanket tightly round and keep an eye on. It was rare event mine they slept in mosses basket but often didn't need blankets when they did.

Op doesn't like how MIL used blankets - so don't leave her in charge again - my Mum would turn babies on the side as despite advice she always thought it was safer - I just politely intervened and stopped her - no drama needed advice and best practice changes with more information and research.

What? Fits in with Grandma’s need to paint the back door? Did it even need painting?

YANBU, OP. As MIL is so handy, you probably should have got her to assemble the pram!

I said nothing about "taking advantage" of parents.

The Lullaby Trust's website has a blanket statement in their Co-Sleeping page which says:

"Babies should always be in the same room as you for at least the first six months for sleep, day and night. This doesn’t mean you can’t leave the room to make a cup of tea or go to the toilet, but for most of the time when they are sleeping they are safest if you are close by."

Taken in the round, by which I mean taking into account factors such as (1) multi-child families (2) occurrence and recidivism rates for PND and equivalent (3) availability of paid maternity leave (4) unequal split of parenting duties in the first 6 months of a baby's life (5) diverse family set-ups and make-ups (6) childcare availability, type and quality, and whatever other social and economic pressures new mothers may feel in 21st century Britain, this simply isn't possible for many many babies. So, are the parents (let's face it, mothers) of those unfortunate babies delinquent if they can't provide this? Have they caused the death by SIDS of their babies?

The ONS says that in 2021, "166 unexplained deaths of infants (aged under one year) [ocurred] in England and Wales in 2021, accounting for 7.1% of all infant deaths". Obviously for the parents concerned that's 166 too many. Equally obviously, we don't know that all 166 were caused by factors that can be prevented by always being in the same room as a napping/sleeping baby.

Put this into the perspective of the nearly 700,000 babies that were born in the UK in 2021. That's 0.02%. The NHS says that between 10-20% of women are affected by PND. How can it be reasonable to suggest that while they're suffering exhaustion, hormonal upheaval, unending pressure that breast is best, financial worries in this day and age and the lack of availability of affordable and good quality childcare, whatever other pressures a post-partum woman might be experiencing in her life, it's also OK to make such a bald statement as the Lullaby Trust's above? Yes of course there should be education, yes of course information should be made available. But it needs to be conveyed unsensationally, in a measured fashion, and not in a way that vulnerable new mothers read as "if I'm not in the same room as my baby for naps and overnight's sleep, it might succumb to SIDS". That's simply not responsible (or, in fact, necessarily factually accurate).